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Dh or me? Visiting MIL and her new fiancé over xmas

(7 Posts)
fishandlilacs Sun 20-Nov-16 20:41:48

Bit of back story, we lost beloved FIL just over a year ago after a long drawn out period of him being ill. He basically had a very poor quality of life and MIL was his carer for about 5 years. She's also considerably younger than he was by 15 years.
After he died she had met another chap on a dating site within a month. Yes a bit fast but when you're in your late 60s, and had basically lost the man you loved a few years ago due to his illness why wait?
There were a few raised eyebrows from other family members (Dh is her only child, but there's extended family on all sides) but on the whole, it's good to see her happy etc.

She is now engaged to 'bob', no plans to get married specifically but there is talk of her moving in with him.

Now we have tried to build a relationship with Bob this year, we went on a holiday in the summer and we have visited several times (3 hour drive away) but it's not been easy. He couldn't be less interested in us, the children irritate him, he has a yappy dog that snaps and growls at the kids and he gets annoyed because he has to keep it on the lead when the kids are around ( the dog snapped at my son during the holiday and gave him a nasty nip) but be is a nice enough chap in his own way. Just very stuck in his ways, only interested in MIL and not her family it seems quite clear.

The other thing is his house, it's a dump, cluttered, dusty, hasnt been decorated since the 70s. His two grown up children live with him (they are in thier 50s) jobless, heavy smokers and drinkers thier entire lives seems to revolve around the pub opposite his house..they are all a bit rough If I can be candid here. Its not ideal.

MIL wants us to go up for the day between Xmas and new year. Dh has flatly refused, he has said we will visit her at her house but not at Bobs. But as MIL practically already lives there and it's inevitable that she will eventually then we might need to suck this up.
Personally I think it will be a visit that takes us 1 day. Yes it's not ideal but we need to get on with it.

Fortitudine Sun 20-Nov-16 20:46:21

I wouldn't want my children in an unhygienic, smoky environment, with a dog who poses a risk of biting. I don't think he's being unreasonable at all.

inlectorecumbit Sun 20-Nov-16 20:50:58

I would say that you should be guided by your DH on this one.

fishandlilacs Sun 20-Nov-16 20:54:54

Sorry, I should have also said we might not have another option to see MIL at all over xmas at all as she's spending Xmas at Bobs.
She won't come here as she doesn't drive, we have nowhere for them to sleep if they come. She hasn't been here for four years since FIL became too ill to do the journey.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Sun 20-Nov-16 21:00:29

How sad and really difficult for you all. Can you stay in a hotel nearby?

QuintessentialShadow Sun 20-Nov-16 21:03:18

She is a grown up. She can handle hearing the truth. Let her spend Christmas with her man and HIS family. Maybe her eyes will open.

holeinmyheart Sun 20-Nov-16 21:38:50

I think you should do what will make your family happy. She is doing what makes her happy, isn't she? She is a bit young to say she can't get on a bus or train to visit you as she has legs and arms still.
I think you sound lovely and forgiving and Bob sounds pretty smelly and irresponsible. Let your MIL go to their house as much as possible. When she has finished cleaning up after all of them and washing their stinky washing perhaps she will go off them.
To be honest, she is still in the honeymoon stage and his smelly mouth and house full of hungry grown up layabouts perhaps, don't seem too bad. Don't go and distract her attention away from their awfulness. Give her lots of rope.

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