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Sorry Christmas related post, demands without invitation.

(36 Posts)
sugarplumfairy28 Sun 20-Nov-16 16:21:54

We live in Germany, my parents live in a flat under ours (it's a bit more complicated than that, but it sums it up) This will be our 3rd Christmas since living here.

First year we went back to the UK, and spent it with DH's family. Last year my BIL came over here and so I cooked Christmas dinner, my parents did have the courtesy to ask if they could be included.

This year, no-one is coming over and we're not going anywhere. My Mum made some flippant comment about what she wants me to cook for Christmas dinner. After digging around a little, she is expecting me, to cook, pay and host Christmas dinner for all of us.

AIBU in cooking a Christmas dinner that I want to eat, and DH for that matter, and my parents can get what they are given, even if I know full well they would prefer something else or perhaps not like it? They have invited themselves, but literally want everything doing for them and want to be catered for at my expense. If they would have asked even just out of courtesy I would probably feel a lot more accommodating.

RuggerHug Sun 20-Nov-16 16:25:06

'Since you were here last time we assumed we were going to yours so you can buy and cook whatever you like Mum'.

PberryT Sun 20-Nov-16 16:25:44

Say, that's nice dear, the cost will be xxxx.

QueenofLouisiana Sun 20-Nov-16 16:27:18

"Why would you worry about what DH and I are having for Christmas dinner?" confused with tinkly laugh may work.

EweAreHere Sun 20-Nov-16 16:30:06

Just tell her you can't afford to host this year.

Thattimeofyearagain Sun 20-Nov-16 16:31:23

Have you posted about your parents before op? If your the person I'm thinking of then YADNBU

MrsSpenserGregson Sun 20-Nov-16 16:36:14

What Thattimeofyearagain said ^^

On the face of what you've written in your OP, YABU - why on earth wouldn't someone be happy to host Christmas dinner for their parents (assuming no past history of abuse, nastiness, family feuds etc...)??

However I think I remember a huge backstory and if that's the case, YANBU and I'm sorry that you are still in this situation

Allalonenow Sun 20-Nov-16 16:37:33

Turn it round, next time she mentions it tell her you will be going to them this year, and say what you would like them to cook for you. Or book a table for two at your favourite restaurant.

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 20-Nov-16 16:43:04

Like mrs says, is there a back story? I would be happy to buy and cook dinner for my mother, she fed me for twenty odd years!! I'd also cook whatever was needed to accommodate all tastes because I love my family, hence I assume backstory..?

QueenArseClangers Sun 20-Nov-16 16:47:11

Are these the parents who persuaded you to house share in Germany then made you pay nearly all the bills?

Huldra Sun 20-Nov-16 16:53:54

I seem to remember a back story too.

If it were my in laws or parents living below us, we would assume that we would all be eating together. We would also be happy to be flexible with the menu so that everyone was happy. However, there would be also be conversation and offers of help and food provision on all sides.

In your case could you say that you are happy to have them over. You are eating xxx and could they bring desert and some wine.

Good luck.

PaulDacresConscience Sun 20-Nov-16 16:56:42

I think there is a back story to this, no?

If you are the poster I am thinking of then YANBU. Tell them what RuggerHug said.

sugarplumfairy28 Sun 20-Nov-16 17:08:19

Indeed there is the backstory. Queen that's the one.

I was fully prepared to cook for everyone, and to be honest probably buy it all anyway. What has just put me off, was the the bypassing of any manners, any offer to even help, and just start demanding things.

I would love to have a Christmas dinner like my Nan used to do. There was something for everyone. People got excited over her roast potatoes, and a huge buzz when we all sat down and could eat. There was an argument over who could help tidy up, and a mission to keep my Nan out of the kitchen and make her sit down. I loved those days. I would love to do that, but even I remember that you didn't demand that Nan cook you anything, you still asked if you could join them, and you bloody mucked in. The whole point was family.

I know even if I cook things that DH would like (lamb for example, as you literally only get lamb at Christmas or easter, never in the shops any other time of year) there will be things that my parents like. I always have to do Chicken for the children, there will be stuffing and veg. I know they won't go hungry but it won't be the menu they are demanding. I feel like it is a lesson in having some manners towards me.

VoodooPeople Sun 20-Nov-16 17:09:01

Putting aside the possibility of the aforementioned backstory ...

She is being unreasonable to dictate to you what you cook etc.

On the other hand most mothers will have cooked 16+ years worth of Christmas dinner for their children so it's not unreasonable to cook for them now you are a position to do so?

sugarplumfairy28 Sun 20-Nov-16 17:21:05

Voodoo my Mum never cooked Christmas dinner for us, she always said she couldn't be bothered and we went to my Nans. What I would give to be able to have my Nan and Grandad over to cook for them! I would bend over backwards for them.

It would be a case of having to compromise some things for me and DH to meet their demands, just in terms of oven space and time etc. Example we don't eat turkey, shameful I know, we always do Chicken but DH and I would like to do a small chicken and some lamb, Mum and Dad want a proper whole Turkey - even though they both eat chicken and lamb.

YouTheCat Sun 20-Nov-16 17:25:16

If they want turkey then they can cook it and have it at theirs.

Huldra Sun 20-Nov-16 17:28:58

Turkey Twizzlers? grin

QueenArseClangers Sun 20-Nov-16 17:34:18

They're being their grabby selves sugar.
Do the Christmas dinner you'd like and if they want to participate then give them a list of things they can cook/buy.

RubbishMantra Sun 20-Nov-16 17:40:18

The assumption that you will be hosting Christmas aside, It's incredibly rude to dictate what the meal should consist of.

If you're happy to host, then a non-committal "uh-huh" re. suggestions of what you should serve. Then serve what exactly what you and DH wanted to eat. I'd feel gutted making a feast that I didn't want to eat. That's why I've never cooked a turkey.

If you don't want to host, (wouldn't blame you) then, "would you like us to bring dessert/xyz to accompany the fabulous meal it appears you're making in your flat?"

Inviting oneself for dinner (whatever the occasion) and "suggesting" what your hosts should cook is mad and entitled!

DoItTooJulia Sun 20-Nov-16 17:45:36

Fuck 'em. You know they're awful and this is just more of the same. You know too that whatever you do it'll leave a bitter taste, so just fuck 'em!

ToastieRoastie Sun 20-Nov-16 17:48:16

Could you suggest they cook the turkey in their own oven and bring it upstairs, along with wine/dessert/whatever else you think they could contribute?

Benedikte2 Sun 20-Nov-16 17:50:36

Sorry mum I don't do turkey. IF I cook the meal it will be chicken and lamb, however, We thought you might like to do the Christmas dinner this year, for once!

RubbishMantra Sun 20-Nov-16 18:00:38

Ooh, just remembered a recent thread. Guests invited themselves to dinner, told hosts they would like a take-away in advance. Hosts were expected to pay for said take-away, as well as picking up guests and taking them home. Hosts drank too much accidentally wink so couldn't give a lift home, and called a taxi. Their guests asked for them to pay for the taxi fare home. Hosts politely declined.

Hosts made a perfectly nice meal, and also arranged a line of various whole fruits in order of size as hors d'oeuvres. The largest being a whole melon, as I recall.

Could this work for you? grin

wannabestressfree Sun 20-Nov-16 18:02:29

Why on earth do you still live with them? This is not going to get any better. It's the same thread with a variation on a theme.....

fluffiphlox Sun 20-Nov-16 18:06:42

Why are you living with people you seem to dislike and begrudge cooking a Christmas lunch for?

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