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To have had such a reaction to this?

(125 Posts)
Flowersinyourhair Sun 20-Nov-16 08:30:48

I was out yesterday with two women. One is a friend and the other is a friend of hers so an acquaintance of mine. The acquaintance is pregnant (around 5.5 months). All was great until just after we'd eaten lunch when the acquaintance says that she's going outside for a fag.
I'm sure my face told a thousand tales. I felt a wave of anger that this woman could be so blasé about it. Earlier in the conversation she had refered to how she has given up drinking due to the pregnancy so I couldn't understand why giving up smoking hadn't occurred to her.
AIBU to think that in 2016 with so much awareness about the damage that smoking can do to unborn babies it is madness that this woman, and so many more like her, are still puffing away.
In the interest of presenting the full facts here, my friend told me that the smoking mum to be hadn't made any effort to reduce her cigarettes and actually, when challenged, spoke of her right to smoke and the health of her previous child...

elodie2000 Sun 20-Nov-16 08:34:43

Nothing you can do about it other than decline nights out if this woman is going to be there. Obviously SIBU

Evergreen17 Sun 20-Nov-16 08:39:43

Unfortunately it is her life and she might have been a really heavy smoker and now only has 1 a day? Hard without knowing the full story. I was judged for wanting to drink a small glass if Prosecco by friends and felt like crap. And dint get my glass.
I have friends that smoke through pregnancy yet used to tell me to "wash my hands" before I picked up their babies.
Well I guess it is her business not yours and just avoid

Evergreen17 Sun 20-Nov-16 08:40:41

To add it was my birthday and we were out for afternoon tea sad

EdmundCleverClogs Sun 20-Nov-16 08:50:58

Obviously smoking whilst pregnant is not great, but it's a very difficult habit to give up (especially cold turkey, which is pretty much expected when you find out). Telling anyone to 'just give up', and giving patronising information about 'how bad it is - don't you know in this day and age', doesn't help anyone. She does have a right to smoke, and although she has said she hasn't 'cut down', she may not have been a heavy smoker to being with. It could be worse, at least it's not heavy drinking or drug use.

Flowersinyourhair Sun 20-Nov-16 08:59:41

I didn't tell her anything Edmund. I didn't say anything at all to her and in many ways wish I had. I think that society should challenge people about the choices they make that affect the lives of others.
Yes it's her choice to smoke. Unfortunately her unborn child doesn't have any say in it.

treaclesoda Sun 20-Nov-16 09:02:47

Maybe giving up smoking had occurred to her but she just hadn't been able to manage to do it?

I would silently judge too, but it's so patronising to assume that it simply hadn't occurred to her.

NavyandWhite Sun 20-Nov-16 09:07:01

This thread will be full of people saying it's her life, don't judge her, she needs support.

Which are true. Some women find it hard to stop and some women carry on smoking regardless. It's hard not to worry about the baby though.

StealthPolarBear Sun 20-Nov-16 09:07:35

About one in nine women smokes during pregnancy, it's not that unusual sadly

JosephineMaynard Sun 20-Nov-16 09:08:49

The thought of giving up smoking is bound to have occurred to her, and her midwife is sure to have told her about the risks of smoking in pregnancy .

Despite what she says, it's possible that she may have made an effort to cut down, it may be that she's smoking a lot less than she used to. All the stuff about her right to smoke may be a defensive reaction to being challenged rather than because she believes it to be harmless.

Obviously it'd be better for the baby if she quit completely while she's pregnant. But nothing you can do about it.

Fortnum Sun 20-Nov-16 09:09:18

Could you encourage her to use an e cig ?

GnomeDePlume Sun 20-Nov-16 09:09:32

I didn't say anything at all to her and in many ways wish I had. I think that society should challenge people about the choices they make that affect the lives of others.

Society does this through its various representatives.

If you decide to start challenging people about the things you think they should be doing then be prepared to be challenged yourself. People in glass houses and all that. You are unlikely to be perfect.

AyeAmarok Sun 20-Nov-16 09:09:47

To be fair, you don't know that she hasn't tried to give up but failed.

EdmundCleverClogs Sun 20-Nov-16 09:11:16

Flowersinyourhair, no - you came on here to say it. Which has no effect on her lifestyle, just preaching to people who are unlikely to be smoking regardless hmm.

Smokers are already being challenged on the choices they make. As you said yourself, it's 2016 and the information is all around us, it's not your personal job to harangue her (or anyone) on your opinion on the matter. Smoking whilst pregnant is not a good thing to do, but we cannot start policing women on what they can or cannot do with their own bodies whilst pregnant either. Otherwise where will it stop? Berating a woman who has an odd glass of wine when pregnant? Eating unhealthily? Living in a polluted city? Not exercising enough? All these things can have an effect on an unborn baby, perhaps we should just keep women locked away for 9 months to make sure they can't do anything bad whilst pregnant.

treaclesoda Sun 20-Nov-16 09:14:23

The problem with saying that society needs to challenge pregnant women on their choices is that it is all a bit of a slippery slope. I 100% agree that smoking in pregnancy is not good, there is no good that can come of exposing the developing baby to smoking. However, there are also plenty of people who would challenge your 'right' to drink coffee and tea, to eat particular foods (there is quite a lot of disagreement about what is safe and what is not). Where do we stop? I know people who have tried to order coffee when pregnant and been refused. Or ordered a beer for a friend and been refused, even though it wasn't even for them.

The idea that we all need to police pregnant women makes me very uncomfortable.

MissVictoria Sun 20-Nov-16 09:14:34

It's illegal to smoke with an under 18 in your car.... same should definitely apply to a baby inside your body!
I don't care how "hard" it is to quit, it was 100% a choice to start in the first place, nobody NEEDS to smoke. (Or drink)
Smoking or drinking when you know you're pregnant is selfish, there's no excuse for committing a behaviour you know is a risk to the health and development of your child.
Yes, plenty of babies get lucky and suffer no permanent damage, but plenty DO. It's a 50-50 coin toss, and its your babies life you're gambling with.

JosephineMaynard Sun 20-Nov-16 09:23:20

I don't care how "hard" it is to quit, it was 100% a choice to start in the first place

A choice that's almost certainly been made when the woman was neither pregnant or thinking of TTC. Unless we're going to ban young women from smoking just in case they decide they want a baby 10, 15, 20 years in the future and find it impossible to quit when pregnant, this is a situation that's going to keep happening.

And the notion of criminalising pregnant women for smoking is extremely disturbing.

iwantabutler Sun 20-Nov-16 09:28:01

A woman I met who smoked was told not to cut out smoking by her doctor because the body's reaction to the withdrawal might affect the baby...

Thisjustinno Sun 20-Nov-16 09:28:38

I also hate the judging of pregnant women. It's her body.

DefinitelyNotAJourno Sun 20-Nov-16 09:31:03

It's her child's body.

TupsNSups Sun 20-Nov-16 09:34:25

How judgemental! You do not know this woman or her life.
You have no idea if she has tried to quit or cut down or anything in fact.

I smoked through all of my pregnancies, judge away I really don't care, I have 3 healthy dc.

I did cut down, I did try to stop, it just didn't work. I didn't drink or take drugs or eat soft cheese or Mr whippy ice cream but I could NOT quit smoking.

I think you need to stop judging and myob especially as you didnt have the balls to say it to her face and just decided to come Slag her off on here. Says more about you than her tbh.

NavyandWhite Sun 20-Nov-16 09:38:04

She doesn't be know the woman and whether she's tried to stop or whatever.

She does know that she's smoking at 5.5 months pregnant.

elodie2000 Sun 20-Nov-16 09:39:15

How judgemental! You do not know this woman or her life.
EH? This is not someone OP has met on the street? If they were on an evening out, you would assume they know each other well enough...

elodie2000 Sun 20-Nov-16 09:44:58

missvictoria - nobody NEEDS to smoke
Nobody needs to StART smoking. However, it is an addiction, therefore a smoker does actually need the drug. Have you ever tried
to stop smoking? Many people can't and it's not just about willpower.
Having said that, I disagree with smoking throughout pregnancy and this woman IBU. If she can't stop she needs help from her GP.

RentANDBills Sun 20-Nov-16 09:46:44

When I was at school it was actually a "thing" for young pregnant women to take up smoking as they'd heard it reduced the size of the baby and therefore it was an easier labour sad confused

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