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Kids from my previous marriage

(74 Posts)
theartistseye Sat 19-Nov-16 23:22:38

Pleading from opinions from those pref with his kids, my kids situations

My Background:
Terribly Abusive childhood, Incredibly Abusive first marriage (two kids)

Recent past:
Met a very special man, got so much of love and respect from him. He has two kids too from prev marriage (his ex cheated). We got married a year ago. I love him with all my heart and soul and in his words am an incredible wife and he has not known love like I give him ever existed.

We are in a long distance marriage and despite heavy cost have done whatever possible to meet regularly.

Kids legal custody is with neither the ex or me (never filed out of fear of losing them - they were staying with me anyway)

My husband now is American and we have filed for residency for the kids and me.

My ex is a terrible person and has put up all sorts of rules like my kids never allowed to meet my (new) husband. The kids are currently living with the ex - due to complex financial hit that I had. They are unhappy with him but trying to survive. Its a battle and the older one who is 15 is in depression and younger one 11 getting there.

Please don't ask to seek legal help - because it won't happen. Well I could even get them legally soon maybe. In a land where this almost doesn't exist the school has threatened to report the ex's mind games, manipulation, emotional and verbal abuse as the kids are messed up.

But the issue is there will be no settlement (weak laws) and I have lost everything I ever had financially recently.

Husband too comes from a secure background but like me was hit recently and not ready to take them on financially if their father is alive.

My husband now is not allowed to meet my kids - he's met and spent time with them before - but ex has become super abusive and simply won't allow it.

Here is my issue: My husband wants to back off continuing residency for the kids for this reason. To me the kids will feel I abandoned them. They are living with the ex anyway - but live in hope that if things get worse they can join me. I am hoping our financials improve and we can then take them with us. (ex willing to let them go but then says will not pay anything at all and as it stands we can't afford them - top private schools etc)

My husband feels its unfair for him to continue with their application if he can't even meet the kids.

My stand is that decision for him to not meet them is not mine, nor the kids. The kids dote on my husband and are always full of praise of him. My ex being controlling and continue his abuse. Why should my kids or me be punished? We have had terribly tough lives already.

Here I was at the happiest point of my life with my man and now I am having to make a choice...

My darling husband says the only way he will continue with kids residency papers is if the ex allows him to meet them. I understand his pain, but I have been nothing but a supportive wife.

My husband darling has his issues too and I have been nothing but supportive - he suffers from panic and anxiety attacks, almost at PTSD level (due to his ex cheating) with very minor triggers sometimes - I am incredibly tolerant of this and accommodating, having reduced social life drastically, avoiding all male friends and reassuring him as much as I can. He does completely trust me - but the attacks still come on in 'trigger' situations. I mention this only to give a full view of the situation that there are tough issues but I am accepting and dealing with all.

He has said anybody would agree that his stance is right. Hence posting here with his versions bits included. That way we can have fairer understanding.

DonkeyOaty Sat 19-Nov-16 23:49:29

Gosh what a lot you've got going on sad

What do you mean by "attacks" from your current husband?

SavageBeauty73 Sat 19-Nov-16 23:51:29

I'd always put my kids first. If you ex is abusive I would fight for my kids.

theartistseye Sat 19-Nov-16 23:51:38

I mean he has panic attacks. No he doesn't and would never hit me smile

theartistseye Sat 19-Nov-16 23:56:46

Working on getting the kids - trying to get financials back in place. It will take a while tough market. Am in business and was doing quite okay - lost everything. Will get back but need a year.

My question is, is my husband being reasonable by wanting to put the kids applications on hold as my ex won't let him meet them even once in a few months.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend Sat 19-Nov-16 23:57:25

Sorry if I come across as rude here but from what I can see you got married to a man that has such severe issues you can't talk to another man without him having a panic attack and you're question is should you leave your children with your abusive ex because your husband doesn't think they should be his responsibility?

Do you honestly need strangers on a forum to tell you what the right thing is to do?

coolaschmoola Sat 19-Nov-16 23:58:43

ANY man who put conditions on my children would not be my husband. End of story.

And the truth - no 'good' man would do it.

franincisco Sun 20-Nov-16 00:01:33

Yes I think your children will feel that you have abandoned them.

He has said anybody would agree that his stance is right.

Well I for one disagree. Sorry OP but your now husband sounds as if he is playing a few mind games. He either wants to have the kids with you both or he doesn't. By saying he will only go ahead with the residency if he gets to meet them is a bit controlling IMO. If your ex is really that bad you should be fighting tooth and nail to get them. Going to a state school is a very small price to pay if he is that bad.

clumsyduck Sun 20-Nov-16 00:01:57

Sounds like your heading right back into another controlling marriage

Sorry op but concentrate on doing the best for your kids

elodie2000 Sun 20-Nov-16 00:05:47

Ditto other replies... hmm

MsPavlichenko Sun 20-Nov-16 00:05:59

Your current husband is a controlling abuser (whether or not he hits you). You need to focus on your DC . I suggest you see a lawyer/cab. Better still Women's Aid.

HarryPottersMagicWand Sun 20-Nov-16 00:06:54

Put your children before a man. Yes of course they will feel abandoned, because you are abandoning them. Private school doesn't bloody matter. You should be moving heaven and earth to get them away from their abusive home that is causing them mental health issues. But you seem more concerned with your lovely husband.

theartistseye Sun 20-Nov-16 00:07:51

@Snoopy.. maybe it didn't come out right. Its not that bad, but he doesn't like me having long conversations with male friends.

@franincisco.. there are no public schools were we are - well none for expatriates.

sterlingcooper Sun 20-Nov-16 00:08:46

But it doesn't sound like your ex would ever agree to you taking the children out of this country. So surely applying for US residencey for them would be pointless anyway?

PickAChew Sun 20-Nov-16 00:09:33

Darling is not a fitting description for your current husband. He married you knowing you had children.

And your current relationship with him - long distance? - is rather odd, tbh.

bloodyteenagers Sun 20-Nov-16 00:10:27

Your children should come first.
Any man who decided to put conditions on this would not be sharing my life any more.

JustHereForThePooStories Sun 20-Nov-16 00:13:00

So you want to move to America, leaving your kids behind, so you can start a new life with your new husband and you want strangers on a forum to allow you to justify it?

HerRoyalFattyness Sun 20-Nov-16 00:13:07

The children cone first. Your current husband is being a prick. If your children are living with an abusive arsehole and it's affecting their mental health, your priority has to be them. Your husband should be backing you up, not putting conditions in place where he wants to see them. It's not about him or what he wants.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend Sun 20-Nov-16 00:14:26

Ok OP he could be the most amazing husband in every way but the fact of the matter is that you believe you're children are so unhappy with your ex that they are suffering depression. You're children are your priority, nobody but you can help them.
If he truly loves you he would want to do anything he could to build a relationship with your children

lostoldlogin2 Sun 20-Nov-16 00:19:24

your new husband sounds like a fucking nutcase. PTSD because someone cheated on him???? Seriously?

People get PTSD from being shot at or similar levels of real trauma not having their feelings hurt FGS.

Your ex husband may be an arsehole - but your new one is too from your posts. Triggered by you speaking to male friends.....right......

You want to get shut of hubby dearest and fight to get your children back with you and away from your first abusive husband. And quick.

Anything else is putting your man above your children. And no decent man would want you to do this anyway.

stitchglitched Sun 20-Nov-16 00:19:36

I don't understand why you would marry someone before they met your kids. You have no way of knowing how they will get on or how he will treat them. But if your ex is saying he will let you have them what is the issue? Why haven't you got them now? No man on earth would stop me being with my children.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 20-Nov-16 00:19:54

Your ex was and is controlling.

Your current husband wants to be controlling but your X has got in there first in terms of controlling you, because he holds the ultimate card, your children.

Your current husband wants you to relinquish your interest in that card (your children) and thus surrender ultimate control to him.

You need the Freedom Programme, a shed load of help and support and a divorce.

And you don't catch PTSD off a cheating ex. If it's affecting him that badly he needs to go to the Doctor first thing on Monday. Actually, suggest that - I'd be interested to see what he says.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 20-Nov-16 00:21:43

OP, you need to sort out your unhappy DCs and your DH needs to sort out his easily triggered panic attacks before planning a next step.

DrQuinzel Sun 20-Nov-16 00:21:51

I don't understand, you currently can't care for your kids because you can't afford their private schooling? Surely state school with a loving mother would be better than "top private school" with abusive ex?

Also, PTSD stems from an exposure to a situation in which death, serious injury or sexual violence etc could have occurred. I don't see how he can have PTSD from being cheated on and I would hazard a guess he is using this as a form of manipulating you. Your relationship sounds incredibly abusive.

theartistseye Sun 20-Nov-16 00:23:00

@harrypotters - I am working 18-20 hours per day to get the business back on track. Skipping meals and sleep. I cannot put every single element on here. Working with some high up authorities - collecting counsellors letters, I see the kids but they sleep there as I don't have a place even to keep them at the moment.

I am not in a First World country and do not belong to one either.

Tried to focus on the issue to be discussed. That husband feels its very unfair that he can't see them even once - his family is flying over to the country I am in (sis/bil/kids/parents) and he feels its just not okay that the kids can't attend one dinner even with all of us.

I do agree with each of you that he should see its not my fault, not the kids decision - they would love to be us. We have no control over what the ex does.

Yes - I am looking at ending our marriage if the kids papers don't proceed mine don't either. I wanted opinions because husband is pretty sure its unfair that he cannot have a meal with or even talk to the kids. I think he is completing the cycle of abuse that ex is meting out even though he may not see it as such.

Thank you for all your help. I will end the marriage and continue the battle for the kids - will become more difficult as I will continue to live here then and there's very poor laws where I am an ex is powerful here... I have told my husband my stand before posting on here, wanted to be sure I am being fair.

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