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To chose husband over friend ...

(95 Posts)
MrsExpo Sat 19-Nov-16 16:39:01

A situation has arisen where I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, as it were. I either chose option A and totally p* off my DH, OR chose option B and totally p* off one of my closest friends. There really is no middle ground on this one.

Having given the matter a lot of thought to try to find a compromise and failed, I chose option B. Now friend is very upset, and I'm upset because I've upset her. I have explained the situation to her in detail, and while she understands, she's still upset. DH is ok, of course.

There really is nothing I could do. AIBU?

Oldbutstillgotit Sat 19-Nov-16 16:40:27

More detail needed

Scooby20 Sat 19-Nov-16 16:40:53

Totally depends on the situation of course.

Sometimes I would put dh first. Sometimes it would be the friend.

Unless you are going to share what the situation is, it's impossible to say.

Dani240 Sat 19-Nov-16 16:40:59

Impossible to know if YABU without more details.

Lunar1 Sat 19-Nov-16 16:41:40

You need to give more details.

MissVictoria Sat 19-Nov-16 16:42:21

Not unreasonable at all. You aren't at fault though, you had no choice. At the end of the day, potentially losing a friendship is probably worse than losing a marriage.

Sparlklesilverglitter Sat 19-Nov-16 16:42:25

Impossible to say unless I know what this is all about

As a rough rule I wouldn't ever put a friend needs above my DH

Dozer Sat 19-Nov-16 16:43:33

Not enough info. Depends whether your H was being U, or your friend.

EatTheCake Sat 19-Nov-16 16:43:46

Unless I know what the problem is I can't really answer

But for me no one comes above my DH and children needs

QuiltedAloeVera Sat 19-Nov-16 16:46:02

In general, isn't the point of getting married that you're agreeing to put your spouse first "forsaking all others..."?

I know I'd expect a friend to prioritise their husband over me, and I wouldn't expect my husband to prioritise his friends over me... But then again, it depends on the situation and the seriousness of each issue.

More detail needed.

Mrsemcgregor Sat 19-Nov-16 16:48:37

It depends if your husband would have been U in being upset. Or if your friend is being U. You are not BU but I suspect one of them is.

TaliDiNozzo Sat 19-Nov-16 16:50:21

Totally dependent on the situation. Need more info on this one!

Lilaclily Sat 19-Nov-16 16:51:28

Is it an invite Scenario?
You've turned down friends birthday party to go to neice wedding on husband's side for example

TheBouquets Sat 19-Nov-16 17:05:41

It is always difficult to deal with conflicting interests.
As pp said if it is a conflict of invitations it is so hard to chose and to face the consequences both of which have the potential to be life altering.
In my case I chose to mention to my relative that there was a conflict of interest on a particular day. Would that relative chose one invitation over the other? They made a choice. The choice resulted in a few years of silence (so far). It was not just about that particular date it was about the constant choosing of one side over the other.
It is a difficult decision so you need to think carefully and not be pushed by either side.

TaliDiNozzo Sat 19-Nov-16 17:06:18

Lilac, that was my immediate thought. In which case invitation etiquette would dictate first that if you've accepted the first invitation you stick with that one.

TheBouquets Sat 19-Nov-16 17:12:29

QuiltedAloeVera. On the assumption that you are married and have made the "forsaking all others" vow, does this mean that you never see your parents, grandparents, siblings, nieces, nephews, workmates, school friends, neighbours or distant relatives ever again?
And if "forsaking all others" utterly disconnects you from everyone you know why then does inheritance potential continue after marriage.
Don't you think a bit of give and take would be better than "forsaking all others"

DamePlata Sat 19-Nov-16 17:15:00

Did she say he made a pass at her and you have to decide who to believe?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 19-Nov-16 17:16:16

Too little detail.

gillybeanz Sat 19-Nov-16 17:27:55

confused HTF can anybody tell you.

FeralBeryl Sat 19-Nov-16 17:30:09

No one can possibly comment without more information!
As someone says above - has she accused him of impropriety? Or is it that there are 2 nights out planned on the same date?
Answer would be drastically different for both.

Soubriquet Sat 19-Nov-16 17:32:53

Depends on the situation really

Husband has cheated, friend wants you to dump him, yabu

Friend wants you to go out for the night, husband would rather you stay home, Yanbu as long as that's what you want too

pipsqueak25 Sat 19-Nov-16 17:39:53

hopefully op is busy and not been able to get back to us to give more info, or it's a potential 'let's keep 'em on tenter hooks time, and delete if i get my arse kicked' really hope it's the former and we can help op in a proper capacity.

Tartyflette Sat 19-Nov-16 17:42:27

Well, leaving aside the highly emotive situation of a pass, (as speculated above) how about this? Perhaps OP has a significant event coming up and her friend has gone ahead and booked an activity she knows will be really appreciated, theatre trip or concert to see favourite actor/singer/whatever, OP goes home to tell DH all about it only to find he has already booked surprise exotic trip at the same time, to OP's dream place and is now devastated.
What to do?
I think in this sort of scenario it would be right to choose DH, he is your life partner (hopefully) and his feelings should come before those of a friend, however close. Obvs this also depends on motives and lack of twattishness on the part of DH or friend.

MrsExpo Sat 19-Nov-16 17:53:03

Thanks everyone ... not an invitation issue.

I'll try to keep it short ... friend and I both own horses which live at the same stables. Stables is a DIY place where you do all the horse care jobs yourself. This means I literally have to be there every afternoon come rain or shine and can be out of the house for 2-3 hours or longer if I ride my horse. I often help fried with her horse jobs and both animals share a field (quite a big deal for horses, to those of you who have no experience of horse care). DH fed up with the time commitment and suggested I move to another place where they do jobs for you (at extra cost, but he's ok with that) leaving me free to actually ride and enjoy horse during my time at stables and also giving me the option to not go some days as horse well cared for by professionals.

Additional services not available at DIY yard. So secured place at different yard, also a little bit nearer home. Moving horse in a couple of weeks.

So, choices were A, leave horse where it is, or B move it away. Option A would have p** of my DH and B has upset friend.

I should add that DH is retired and I don't work, so this will free up time for us to spend doing stuff together, go away on hols etc without the worry of who will look after horse.

(Sorry for this being a bit of a first world problem, but I'm genuinely upset that friend has not taken this at all well).

mumofthemonsters808 Sat 19-Nov-16 17:55:05

Most people I know would put their Husband first, but as previous posters have said its impossible to call it, without the full details.

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