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Does you're mil favour your SIL DC over yours?

(117 Posts)
Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 14:07:16

This has an issue I've noticed after SIL had her DD. I had DS 6 months prior. Mil makes minimal effort in regards to DS, a little more effort with DD and minimal effort with DS1 from a previous relationship but is constantly with SIL and DGD apparently I've got my own DM and it's different with you're DDs child, Aibu to be annoyed? I have two DS2 and one DD and I just couldn't imagine not making the same effort with all my GC regardless if it's my DS child or DD child

Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 14:09:58

she seems to forget about the other GC she has as she upset abit I talks of SIL moving abroad.

Greengoddess12 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:10:15

My mil didn't she loved them all equally but probably spent a bit more time with her own daughters than me as I had my own mum.

I am a mil and adore my dgs and know that won't be any different if/when dds have children.

Your mil sounds odd.

Amelie10 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:11:41

I think it's more common for a mother to be closer to her dds children than her son's children. Not on mn but in RL.

regularbutpanickingabit Sat 19-Nov-16 14:13:32

Yes

Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 14:14:36

She literally spend no time with DS. Her FB posts about her grand daughters including mine DD but zero meantion of DS no pictures shared people wouldn't even think she had a DS even FIL has noticed and DH made a comment that she does have 2 or DGC.

itsmine Sat 19-Nov-16 14:15:25

Barring dysfunctional relationships it is perfectly normal for mils to spend more time with their own DDs. My mil sees my sil far more but I see mil, but then I see my dm more than I see mil so it balances out.

That said seeing the dc more is one thing, presents etc should all be equal.

Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 14:15:29

Other"

itsmine Sat 19-Nov-16 14:18:34

She may think your DS from a previous relationship isn't the same as the dgc from her Ds and her Dd though?

MsAwesomeDragon Sat 19-Nov-16 14:18:39

My mil lives with my sil. So she spends way more time with sil's dcs than with mine, but she idolises dd2 (dd1 was 6 when I met dh, so not her grandchild although mil is very friendly and generous). Mil is coming on holiday with us in the summer and can't stop talking about being able to spend time with dd2 away from the other grandchildren.

Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 14:18:48

We had issues when we first had DD she was the only grandchild (minus my DS from a previous relationship) and it was struggle to get her involved with her, making the effort to come and see her she could go months without seeing her DH had a falling out with his DM when he addressed it. All a sudden mil DD has had a baby and she's wanting to baby sit extra but never offers for us or really comes and the effort. We have stopped making the effort going round now. Even SIL commented that she didn't make much effort to see our DC.

Babyiwantabump Sat 19-Nov-16 14:19:54

I could have written your post!
I have 2 Ds' and one DD and one step DD.

Mil sees SDD and SIL DD every week - she never sees my DS' you could count on one hand the amount of times she's seen them since they were born (they are 2 and 10 months)

Mil and FIL seem to have no time at all for my DS and it makes me very very sad for them .

Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 14:21:50

I know mil doesn't see ds1 as a grandchild although she does get him a token gift at Christmas it would be nice to make an effort with him to include him more but then she doesn't make much more of an effort with the other two. DH treats him the same as the other two as he's been in his life since he was 2.

It's the lack of effort with them that gets my goat.

Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 14:24:26

I did wonder if it was because he was a boy but he is adorable little fella so pleasant I just think it's a bloody shame and her loss. Atleast I'm not alone babyiwantabump

MythicalChicken Sat 19-Nov-16 14:24:51

Oh yes! My MIL's house is a veritable shrine to SIL's child. Pictures everywhere. Only 2 pictures of our two though. It's so obvious she favors SIL's DS over our kids. But then she was so obviously the favorite child when SIL and DH were growing up, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised.

GenerationX2 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:24:55

OMG YES - she try really hard - and t be fair my DS is a 13 and my SIL's DS is still a cute little 2 year old.

But what is saddest for me is my FIL he totally ignores my DS and fawns all over my SIL DS all the time, even when the other grandchildren visit (they live a plane ride away) and are still little - he ignores them all infavour of the SIL's DS. He is a little socially awkward but it really upsets my the other siblings.

As my lovely Gran would say - there is nowt as odd as folks grin

Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 14:28:19

I noticed photos of DD and DGD no DS. Werid thing is DS is the imagine of DH and they had a reasonable relationship. The funny thing is mil gets jealous if SILs mil has DGD but she couldn't care less if my DM has DC.

JellyBelli Sat 19-Nov-16 14:31:22

Yes. Poor DS didnt even get a decent present for his 18th.

Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 14:33:22

This is the two babies first Christmases so it will be interesting to see what they both get although they won't be getting them at the same time.

Whatdoesaturkeydo Sat 19-Nov-16 14:36:35

My mil is the same and very blunt about it. Our eldest daughter is 18 and she was very good with her for years over the next 8 years we had to sons and she was good to them then my her daughter had her first child and we were told she wouldn't really have time for our children now as she had 'a real' grandchild now - I'm not sure what her sons children are hmm
We have had 3 more children since and sil 2 more - the 3 youngest see her on Christmas Eve only as she doesn't have time for them (this is entirely at her request if we drop in we are told she doesn't have time and she won't commit to scheduling a visit or coming to us) as she looks after sil children 7 days a week all day so sil can play with her horse.
It's normal for the smalls but I really feel for the eldest who had 9 years of a granny who spent time with her to one brief visit a year

witsender Sat 19-Nov-16 14:39:19

In terms of time, I can imagine a MIL spending more time with her child and therefore those GCs. However I wouldn't expect them to be treated differently in terms of love, gifts etc.

Underthemoonlight Sat 19-Nov-16 14:40:23

I'm lucky my own DP are great although my DF has terminal cancer so I try not to put on them but they are fab. It's there loss we will keep our distance not going out of our way of its not returned.

GreenHen Sat 19-Nov-16 14:56:05

Sadly - yes.
She makes sure she spends exactly the same on them for Christmas and Birthdays (and therefore, in her eyes, she treats them exactly the same).
Situation made worse by the fact that my own mum died when I was little and my dad died when DD was a toddler - so they are the only set of grandparents.
I don't think it is as simple as favouring the daughter's children - as they favoured their daughter over their son (despite calling her a bitch behind her back and making out that she takes advantage of them - this was to divide and conquer their children though - and it worked - can only guess what she has said about us to SIL) anyway.
To cut a long story full of anecdotes short - we have emotionally distanced ourselves and have a very superficial relationship now after years of trying.
Should add I am saying 'she' (MIL) but it is MIL & FIL.

Imbroglio Sat 19-Nov-16 15:10:26

Unequal dynamics in my family as well, so I get where you are coming from. In my case my SiL thought my kids were favoured, but I think the truth was more that I knew my mum better, and knew what she expected and wanted.

My advice FWIW is to let it go because these dynamics can be complicated and nigh on impossible to change, and if the children pick up on the idea of favourites it can be very damaging. My wider family is obsessed with it and its awful.

Chairmanmeow1 Sat 19-Nov-16 15:26:11

Yes it happens. I've seen it a lot, and while mothers are probably more likely to spend more time with their daughters, it can get nasty with some people. I hate the "favourites" too, every child on DH's side has to be earmarked as the "favourite" of an older relative practically from birth

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