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Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

(275 Posts)
ricecrispies16 Sat 19-Nov-16 13:31:15

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.


and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

BlackeyedSusan Sat 19-Nov-16 13:34:16

well, on the plus side the girlfriend cares enough to go to her in the night, shame the dad isn't though.


Houseofplumroots Sat 19-Nov-16 13:35:46

Not a lot you can do about it, gf sounds like she's being nice to her so what's the issue?

HermioneJeanGranger Sat 19-Nov-16 13:41:52

It's not ideal but I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

MommaGee Sat 19-Nov-16 13:45:48

If she's sleeping in the kids bed, where are the kids sleeping?

ricecrispies16 Sat 19-Nov-16 13:46:30

I presume the kids are with her ex?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sat 19-Nov-16 13:48:47

Unfortunately not a lot you can do about it, in his care it's up to him. The girlfriend does sound nice though so at least that's something.

MauiChristmas Sat 19-Nov-16 13:51:43

You are over reacting. Sorry flowers but what her dad dies in his time is his issue - your daughter sounds like she is being surrounded in love and cared for. Your ex is moving on. Step away from facebook and leave them to it.

ricecrispies16 Sat 19-Nov-16 13:52:38

I'm just worried. Why on earth is he leaving her to deal with her in the night? I will add that she doesn't normally wake in the night so that worries me.

The thing is there's no routine for her, she won't know if she's coming or going at this rate, his house in the week one night, hers the other and then obviously she's with me the rest of the week. The arrangement is he has her two nights a week. At the very least she needs continuity!

MauiChristmas Sat 19-Nov-16 13:53:29

She's with her father....

ladylambkin Sat 19-Nov-16 13:54:42

I think you are overreacting. Try not to quiz your DD on the goings on at her dad's, you want her to feel that she can enjoy going there and it's not upsetting you

ricecrispies16 Sat 19-Nov-16 13:55:49

I don't quiz her, I ask her normal questions about what she's been upto and if she's had a nice time. Of course I don't let her see that I don't like it.

cansu Sat 19-Nov-16 13:59:06

Be honest with yourself. You dislike this because you dislike the idea of anither woman 'mothering or caring for' your dd. Understandable but sort of goes with the territory when in this kind of scenario. You may be right that he is jumping into this quickly etc etc but it is his call and as long as your dd is safe then your ex can have new girlfriend with him and dd. The best thing would be not to overreact.

ladylambkin Sat 19-Nov-16 14:00:34

flowers op it's difficult I know when your ex moves on and someone else is involved with your child. It will get better though I promise

Hotwaterbottle1 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:02:23

Sorry but you are bu. The gf sounds lovely.

EweAreHere Sat 19-Nov-16 14:03:28

You are not over-reacting if she has only been his girlfriend for 2 months.

I will never understand how adults can be so selfish and childish ... dragging their children into their short-term, new relationships like this. 2 months is not an established relationship. Children should not be involved at this stage.

SemiNormal Sat 19-Nov-16 14:06:12

YANBU in my opinion but I know my view is the minority on Mumsnet.
I think as her mother you should be aware of where she is sleeping at night and it would make me uncomfortable to not be with my son and have no idea where he was sleeping. I also think that your ex should have spoken with you about introducing the new partner before doing so, out of respect as much as anything else. I think it's a shitty way for you to find out. Unless there are concerns about her safety I don't think there is much you can do about it sadly.

Northernmum12 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:06:28

I'm in complete agreement with you OP, that behaviour would piss me off to the highest degree. It's great that she's being nice to your DD but at the end of the day you are her mother and you are entitled to know when she's meeting GF's and where she will be staying when she's not with you. If the tables were turned how would your ex react?

ImNotDancing Sat 19-Nov-16 14:08:31

It's worth mentioning that 3 year olds have very active imaginations...
the one I look after could tell you all sorts of stories of what she did the day before when you know that in actual fact you went to soft play and for a walk.
that may account for her waking in the night and the gf coming to her?
Also, the earlier mentioned 3 year old is my friends partners little one and my friend cares for and loves her as if she was her own

Stormwhale Sat 19-Nov-16 14:09:34

You are not over reacting at all. I don't know what you can do about it though. If you genuinely thought she was a threat to your child or that her father was neglecting her then I would say ss, but it doesn't sound like that is the case. I think you are going to have to put up with it.

Have you tried asking how your ex would feel if it was a new partner of yours being so involved so quickly? I doubt he would like a strange man tending to your child in the night!

stitchglitched Sat 19-Nov-16 14:10:01

YANBU. A new partner of 2 months shouldn't even have been introduced to the child yet, let alone be doing their night time care. If you said your new boyfriend of 2 months was looking after your child you would be flamed.

Sadly there isn't really anything you can do about it, but that doesn't make it right.

BubbleGumBubble Sat 19-Nov-16 14:13:31

Its difficult OP but unless there are real concerns regarding safety then you will just have to get over it.

It is dads contact time and unless he is putting her in danger then you have no right to interfere.
She sounds caring and your DD does not sound unhappy.

Stormwhale Sat 19-Nov-16 14:14:11

Also your ex is putting your child at risk in my opinion. She is only two. If the new partner was inappropriate with her, I doubt your child would be able to tell you what had happened. This woman is a complete stranger, and I'm not usually a paedophile on every corner sort of person, but this is really worrying. Two months is not long enough to know someone is not a threat to a child.

SheldonCRules Sat 19-Nov-16 14:14:27

I think it's far too early to introduce a new partner but many do.

I'd see nothing wrong with her attending to her in the night, when you meet someone would you honestly not let them do anything for your DD?

TheNaze73 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:15:09

YABU. She sounds like a good woman.

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