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I don't mean to be ungrateful, but...

(34 Posts)
Unhappybirthday Sat 19-Nov-16 13:19:51

I had a big birthday in the week and my DH has made a huge effort. So far I've had a surprise night out, an expensive gift, a trip away and a night at a hotel.
But there's a snag. We are in the process of remortgaging and whilst going through the application at the bank it turns out DH has ran up.a credit card debt and not realised. In the grand scheme of things it's not a big problem, but we have been here before and this is actually bordering on being a deal breaker.
When we were younger he did similar and I sorted it out, but I told him I wasn't going to spend my life trying to repair the damage his spending had done.

We are out tonight doing something that can't be cancelled, he's upset (he generally fucks up every birthday) but I'm struggling not to be able to put it to one side and move on.

ScarletForYa Sat 19-Nov-16 13:21:52

He ran up a credit card ave didn't realise?

What? How could he not realise?

He's lying.

Cary2012 Sat 19-Nov-16 13:22:56


It takes the gloss off every penny spent on your birthday. I'd be annoyed.

How do you run up a credit card bill without realising it though?

ImprovingMyMH Sat 19-Nov-16 13:23:49

I think that 3 of your 4 presents also sound like presents to himself. And he's a grown man, it's not difficult to check a credit card balance online or using an app. You can also usually set up a weekly text of your balance. I wouldn't be feeling very understand either TBH.

Arfarfanarf Sat 19-Nov-16 13:24:21

How can a person not realise they ran up a debt?
How did he think he was paying for things?

TheNaze73 Sat 19-Nov-16 13:24:43

That's bullshit.

Lying about money is up there with infidelity for me. Total deal breaker. Makes me think all the nice presents were a smokescreen

Unhappybirthday Sat 19-Nov-16 13:24:55

I'm gutted.

He thought the balance was £500. It's much more.

kissmethere Sat 19-Nov-16 13:25:42

Yanbu its money that could be done without spending on something non essential. He needs to take that more seriously. You're not being ungrateful just sounds like you have your head screwed on.

ImprovingMyMH Sat 19-Nov-16 13:26:43

You can also set up a credit card to be paid off in full every month. So you get the consumer protection, collect the cashback (if your credit card offers any), but don't build up an outstanding balance.

downwardfacingdog Sat 19-Nov-16 13:29:11

Yanbu. My DH borrowed (a lot) of money to buy my engagement ring after we'd worked really hard to clear our (mainly his) debts. I was so upset when I found out.

rookiemere Sat 19-Nov-16 13:39:52


I'd be angry if DH "treated" me to luxurious meals and nights away that he also enjoyed whilst we were in debt.
It's harder to think of treats that aren't costly, but a homemade meal would have been more work for him and not cost a quarter of a night out.
However do you have form for being a bit princessy about presents - or is he just crap generally for birthdays?

SaltyBitch Sat 19-Nov-16 13:44:22

Putting you in debt is not a birthday present - don't feel guilty for being angry whatsoever. You have every right and more to be.

slenderisthenight Sat 19-Nov-16 13:44:24

This is a really sad situation and I understand how it's happened. I don't think anything good is going to come from making a huge deal of it and allowing it to spoil the treats. Be honest about the upset it's causing you and that you would have vastly preferred treats within budget. Agree the repayment plan (to cost him, not you) and that there will be no more gifts for either of you for a while to even things out. I'm guessing he's humiliated and gutted and it's just not going to help to go through him for a shortcut. Unless you really are finished, which is different. But in the circumstances, I wouldn't be.

Scooby20 Sat 19-Nov-16 13:44:58

We're these all surprises? Surely you knew you (as a couple) could afford this either. Or did he lie and tell you he was saving up for these treats?

If me and dh were strapped for cash I would say 'not bothered about doing much for my birthday this year, don't want to spend money at the moment'. Even for birthdays and Christmas me and dh have a conversation about what to spend.

But I honestly don't get how a grown man can't know the balance in his credit card. It really does take the shine off your birthday. Knowing the debt is going to cause problems.

ParadiseCity Sat 19-Nov-16 13:47:58

Happy Birthday OP flowers

I really feel for you. I'd feel doubly angry and let down given that he has done this in the past. I don't really have any advice on how to feel better because I know I'd be so cross. But I can empathise. cake

LadyTmalia Sat 19-Nov-16 13:50:45

Did he know last time that the next time would be a deal breaker?
How much is the debt?

It sucks, but if its a deal breaker to you, and he has been warned. You need to figure out if it is going to work or not. sad

Floggingmolly Sat 19-Nov-16 13:55:29

The "he generally fucks up every birthday" is fairly telling, I think. He was desperate not to let you down, wasn't he? Doesn't excuse the lying; but why was he worried about your reaction if he didn't come through?
I'm betting you would have made your displeasure known if he hadn't...

EweAreHere Sat 19-Nov-16 13:56:50

What a shame he's taken the shine of your birthday by plunging you back into debt. Honestly, he's a grown up and should know better.

elodie2000 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:01:03

Why so many presents/ trips away?
Totally unnecessary even for a 'big' birthday. I don't get why people get themselves in debt for these reasons. Same goes for Christmas.
He was obviously trying to please you but didn't have the funds. Be kind to him OP, enjoy what he's bought/ arranged but tell him not to do it again.

SlottedSpoon Sat 19-Nov-16 14:02:56

There is no way he can't have realised the collective amount that all these 'gifts' have cost. I think he just likes to live like Mr Big and he's justifying it by telling you it's for your birthday. But that's no good when you have debts that make you uncomfortable and you can't get a mortgage. He needs a stern talking to and he needs to not sulk like a baby and make you feel ungrateful for these 'grand gestures' that neither of you can afford.

If he does then you need to seriously question whether you want to take on a mortgage with this man child.

RebelandaStunner Sat 19-Nov-16 14:10:30

There's a fabulous invention called scissors great for cutting up Credit Cards in the wrong hands.
I think his intention was to make you happy and feel special, but he needs to get his head out of the sand.

Candlelight123 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:12:25

I don't believe that he didn't realise, surely as he booked all these treats he knew this prices?

Wolpertinger Sat 19-Nov-16 14:17:27

I'd also have a look at he fucks up every birthday

What's done is done. You don't what him to do it again. But he clearly has gone crazy over this birthday and bought loads of stuff that you didn't really have the cash for.

Can you have a calm chat about what you both think birthdays mean and what constitutes appropriate gift giving? He seems to be coming from somewhere you are not so you then don't appreciate his gifts, he feels guilty, vows to do better next year, spends harder on even more wrong things and so the cycle is repeated.

If what you really want is a quite night in with the kids at a childminder, or a smaller gift without the wow factor but the knowledge that you aren't in debt - he may need this spelled out to him.

Gift preferences also change over time and he is not a mind reader - DH and I used to be into big gifts but are now just as happy with small gestures. This came as a surprise to both of us but if we didn't talk, one of us would be getting it badly wrong.

Coconutty Sat 19-Nov-16 14:18:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Unhappybirthday Sat 19-Nov-16 14:23:37

Apparently there's a direct debit that automatically pays £150 a month onto the card and unless you login online you don't get a statement.
He had a balance added a holiday and didn't increase the repayment, hence the balance is much higher than he was expecting.

I just don't know what to say. I've now got to go on the trip whilst wishing I didn't.

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