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Help needed over family Christmas

(38 Posts)
Peanutandphoenix Sat 19-Nov-16 09:05:14

Hi all sorry if this is long I don't want to drip feed and it's more of a WWYD than a AIBU I have just had to tell my mum that I will be working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day so she won't get to see me and she's really upset and angry about it for some reason she thought I didn't have to work Christmas and it's the 2nd year running that I've worked Christmas Day. I can't change my shifts because I'm a care assistant and I work nights and everyone's shifts have been sorted out. I can understand why she's upset about it because last year both me and my dad missed out on Christmas Day because my dad was ill and I had work in the night so it ended up being just her, my DSis and my dn and my mum said it was horrible and didn't feel like Christmas. I tried to make her feel better about the whole thing by telling her that I'm off for my birthday which is 3 days before Christmas but I don't think that made her feel any better. I didn't mean to upset her I know she wanted a big family Christmas this year but there's noting I can do about my shifts but I feel bad about it all now. WWYD in my situation.

ChuckGravestones Sat 19-Nov-16 09:07:30

Not alot you can do. When you work and the work doesn't close over the festive period, then there is always a chance that you will be working.

Can you go over there after you have worked for an evening meal and some time together?

I'd be telling her that it is no good getting upset we just have to do the best we can.

regularbutpanickingabit Sat 19-Nov-16 09:09:24

You have nothing to feel guilty about. She should be trying to make YOU feel better about having to work those three days. It's not your fault you have to work and you are the one missing out on Christmas! Is she always this self-involved and mean?

In any other world, she should be working out how to make sure you DON'T feel bad and how to sneak in some festive spirit for you between shifts.

Seriously, don't apologise any more. If she's horrible again then suggest that if your birthday isn't considered important enough to make a fuss of then you will see friends instead.

FrancisCrawford Sat 19-Nov-16 09:14:05

I get the upset bit, but angry?

That's really unreasonable of her. And selfish.

Being a family isn't about making other members feel crappy.

Peanutandphoenix Sat 19-Nov-16 09:30:24

Thank you all for your kind responses I could go over on Christmas Day night before I have to go to work that night. Yes she's always like this over things especially when it's to do with me but my sister use to do the same job and had to work Christmas Day and she was always fine about it. I was going to suggest having a big family meal on 23rd just so that I can at least be there for something because I really don't like having to miss out on Christmas Day again but shit happens if I can suck it up and deal with then why can't my mum without acting like a child over it all. It's not like they will even notice that I'm not there because there will be 12 people over Christmas and it's not just my mum that won't get to see me none of family will get to see me. Thank you regularbutpanickingabit I will suggest that to her and see what she says.

potoftea Sat 19-Nov-16 09:36:12

Your mum has every right to be sad about not seeing you. But that's it. No right whatsoever to make you feel guilty or somehow in the wrong.
Even if you weren't working but instead had decided to spend the time with friends instead of family, that'd be fine too.
My DS won't be around for Christmas this year as he is away travelling. I'll miss him hugely but that's OK, he's not in any way responsible for my sadness. I'd rather he lived his life in freedom than guilt.

regularbutpanickingabit Sat 19-Nov-16 09:39:20

I'm sorry you are the one who always has to bear the brunt of that attitude. Please don't take it on as your fault or constantly try and make her feel better. As the others have said, missing your child because you enjoy celebrating with them is totally normal but laying on a guilt trip hissy fit is absolutely no acceptable.

Redglitter Sat 19-Nov-16 09:39:50

My brother and I both work shifts so usually one of us is working. We just move Christmas Day to the first suitable day. This year it happens to be Boxing Day. There have been years it's been the 27th or 28th. It's not like your mum's going to be sitting on her own on Christmas day. Could you compromise & do something on your days off

HappydaysArehere Sat 19-Nov-16 09:42:43

Is it possible to do something together on New Year's Eve or Day? I know it's not the same but perhaps it's a possibility. Well done you for doing such a worthwhile job. I bet the people you care for will enjoy your company which will mean a lot.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints Sat 19-Nov-16 09:58:52

Well there's nothing you can do about it is there. I know it won't be quite the same but could you do it a different day? When we first got together both DH & I worked in hospitality so working at Christmas was expected. His DM did Christmas on the day with SIL, FIL, DN etc (& us stopping in quickly) but would move her amazing boxing day buffet to a day we could attend. It was lovely & still felt festive!

NotMoreMinecraft Sat 19-Nov-16 10:42:25

I'd do the celebrations on a different day too. It's just a day. If anyone is upset it should be the person working not someone who's off.

ToastyFingers Sat 19-Nov-16 11:12:25

I wouldn't indulge her, whatever you do won't be good enough.

Last Christmas she spent time with her daughter and granddaughter and it was 'horrible'? What a rude, nasty thing to say!

If I were you I'd just say "never mind mum, if only the 25th will do, I'll just see you in the new year."

God forbid you have to work to earn a living, spoiling her perfect Christmas with your silly love of affording food and housing.

Wolpertinger Sat 19-Nov-16 11:26:32

Um, you work in healthcare. It's what happens. You see family at some point over the Christmas period and do Christmas on a different day. It's still magical and the world doesn't end. Relevant family members don't plan 'big family Christmases' that depend on everyone being there until they know what everyone's shifts are.

I'd ignore your mother - you have to earn a living, you tried to swap shifts, you couldn't, end of.

She's lucky you didn't just say you wanted to spend Christmas at your own home this year and not go to hers - which is also entirely reasonable. A party is an invite not a summons.

8misskitty8 Sat 19-Nov-16 11:30:36

She is being totally unreasonable. You and her are adults not children. You have give her the option to celebrate with you a few days after and it's not like she'll be on her own on the actual Christmas Day.

My dad was a police officer and many times as a child he wasn't there on Christmas Day as he was working.
Some years he did split shifts so was home for a few hours before going back to work. (These were the days when police patrolled the streets before it became all about paperwork !)
We celebrated Christmas on the day with my mum and her parents. The nearest day to Christmas that my dad was off we had a second Christmas meal with him.
Yes mum and me and my brother would have loved for dad to be there on Christmas Day but he had to work for the family. So we just had to deal with it. Your mum will just have to do the same.

YelloDraw Sat 19-Nov-16 11:35:40

Is your mum usually so selfish and childish? "it didn't feel like Christmas" well it bloody wasn't much fun for you working I expect!

Peanutandphoenix Sat 19-Nov-16 11:37:35

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies you've all made me feel a little less guilty about having to work. I will definitely see if they are willing to do something on a different day I hate the idea of missing Christmas with my family but there are going to be times when my job comes first and I miss out on things my mum needs to count herself lucky though because there are millions of families out there who will for whatever reason be celebrating Christmas without a family member. Potoftea I hope your son is enjoying travelling and staying safe wherever he is. Happydaysarehere thank you for your kind words I love my job and some of residents don't get to see their families at Christmas so if I can make Christmas Day a nice day for them just by being there then I will. Your all right though there really is nothing I can do about it and my mum will just have to accept that and just see me on a different day it's not my fault I have to work to keep a roof over my head and food in my cupboards I'm not the only person who will be working this Christmas. Thank you all again for making me feel better and for your kind words I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas however your spending it smile. flowerswine for all of you.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Sat 19-Nov-16 11:38:24

I would do nothing. She's a grown adult, and it's your work.

Fed up to the back teeth of adult women behaving like spoilt children

<may be projecting a little>

Peanutandphoenix Sat 19-Nov-16 11:41:39

Yellodaw yes she can be like that over some things. It might not be any fun for her but it's really shit for me because I know I'll be missing out on seeing my niece open her presents and celebrating the day with them but I have 21st to 23rd and 22nd is my birthday so it's not like my mum won't see me at all and she can do something special on one of those days with all the family.

Peanutandphoenix Sat 19-Nov-16 11:44:20

Sukeytakeitoffagain your right she is a grown adult and it's the nature of the job that so choose to do she is use to working in places where you get Christmas Day off I think she forgets that not everyone gets Christmas Day off.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Sat 19-Nov-16 11:49:09

The thing that struck me is that she's having a party with 12 people. In my opinion, you bring there can't make much genuine difference (no offence!). What your mother wants is present her happy devoted family to visitors.

Please stop apologising to her. You do wonderful, essential work which means the world to your clients and their families. My dad is in care and the carers who look after him are amazing. I cannot abide sulking adults and their pathetic egos.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Sat 19-Nov-16 11:49:49

You being there, not bring.

Peanutandphoenix Sat 19-Nov-16 11:51:38

Wolpertinger your right it would've been better if they had just waited until I knew what shifts I was doing over Christmas before planning something but they always plan things before finding out what shifts I'm doing I missed my nieces 3rd birthday party because I had to work I just had to see her on a different day and feel a little but upset when I saw all the pictures on Facebook unfortunately am the one who has to make sacrifices because of my job. Exactly 8misskitty there are people out there like your dad who miss Christmas am sure he would've loved to of been able to spend the day with his family but sometimes things like Christmas have to come 2nd to the job that your doing.

ChatEnOeuf Sat 19-Nov-16 11:54:33

I'm sorry you've got the rubbish shifts over Christmas this year, I've been there and it isn't nice. But your mum can't make you feel bad about it, even if she is upset.

If you get enough rest in between, you could make an effort to see them for a Christmas dinner before you go to work. Save a couple of presents for then. Or go to theirs after your first night (though I'd never manage that!).

I explain to DD (5) that Christmas day is Jesus' birthday, and just like she has her party on another day sometimes, so do we. Even if I'm working, we can do presents on the actual day, but have the big dinner on whatever say is nearest.

Peanutandphoenix Sat 19-Nov-16 11:56:02

That's my point exactly sukeytakeitoffagain me not being there isn't going to make a massive amount of difference when there are going to be 12 other people there. Thank you Hun I do the job because very I love it and I love all the residents and it means more to me seeing them happy and having a wonderfully day my happiness and misding my family comes 2nd to that.

Yamadori Sat 19-Nov-16 11:58:42

Before I knew him, my DH was in the emergency services and used to work over Christmas - one year his parents took a Christmas dinner on a plate to the station and sat with him while he ate it.

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