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Aibu to think the time has come!?

(16 Posts)
MartinaMartini Fri 18-Nov-16 22:54:56

I'm posting here as need some honest feedback as to whether I'm doing the right thing!? To cut a long story short I've been with my husband for 12 years now and we have 3 wonderful children, the eldest is 8 and the youngest is 1.

The problem is he's a heavy drinker (6/ 7+ cans a night) and frequent recreational cocaine user and I've just had enough. I've been unhappy for the last 4 years in particular but have stayed through fear of the unknown/ other women suffer through more/ for the children/ when he's nice he's lovely/ hes a good provider/ fear that he'll meet someone else and I won't be able to handle it/ that he'll want unsupervised access to the children.

Since having my last baby and suffering an awful pregnancy due to the emotional stress endured from him, I have been psyching myself up to leave...well, make him leave. This time has now come and hes left. However he's left before and then returns the next day full of promises and gushing about how much we mean to him and how he'll change. He usually uses the time to get smashed with his friends. They all have families and hold down good jobs which validates his behaviour in his eyes. He's 40 so you'd think he'd outgrown all that by now.

I've found porn on his phone and he stays out overnight about once a week seeing one friend or another...or so he says. He's a good liar.

Tonight he has blamed me for making him the way he is.

My main concern for separating is that I may come to regret it. Or worse still, that he'll gain access to the kids. I do not leave the children alone in his presence as it is due to the many reasons above.

Let me know what you think please as I seem numb to it all now where he's concerned.

VestalVirgin Fri 18-Nov-16 22:59:45

I think it is a good decision to separate from him.

Of course there are always risks, but you cannot shelter the kids completely from his behaviour when you live with him, even if you don't leave him alone with them.

MartinaMartini Fri 18-Nov-16 23:02:20

Thank you so much for responding. I need to just focus on the children and gain strength from that.

HerOtherHalf Fri 18-Nov-16 23:03:30

Why would you regret getting shot of an alcoholic junkie? You and your kids deserve so much better, surely.

Cherrysoup Fri 18-Nov-16 23:03:40

If it comes down to a full on separation, I don't see him being allowed unsupervised contact. Do you think you can be strong enough to tell him to stay away if he tries to come home?

MadeForThis Fri 18-Nov-16 23:06:08

Can you get him to take a drugs test before he is allowed the kids alone?

MartinaMartini Fri 18-Nov-16 23:07:33

I hope so. I'm posting on here as I think my friends irl have just accepted that I'm just accepting my situation. I'm too embarrassed to keep saying it and not following it through. My family know there are cracks but not the full extend by any means. From the outside we look the perfect family.

My main fear is having to hand my children over to him knowing he drink drives and wouldnt hesitate to get drunk or be on drugs around them. Courts seem to award dad's whatever rights they want just cos they ask. I know he'd put on an Oscar winning performance.

MartinaMartini Fri 18-Nov-16 23:09:17

I've done my research and coke only stays in the body for about 3 days so he can skirt around that. All his mates know this only too well. He shaves his head too so hair testing becomes difficult.

centreyourself Fri 18-Nov-16 23:13:30

flowers for you OP

I think you'd do far better to have this thread in relationships OP. You will receive sound, sympathetic advice (not that posters on this board aren't being helpful).

Fwiw I think if you do let him back in, things will continue to deteriorate between you. Stick to your guns and keep him away. He sounds awful.

centreyourself Fri 18-Nov-16 23:15:48

Sorry we x-posted. Oh God, what a dilemma. The thought of having to stay in order to protect your kids from a drink driving loon.

BiscuitMillionaire Fri 18-Nov-16 23:36:47

Have you got any evidence of his drug use? texts, emails, etc? If so perhaps he would only get supervised contact (I'm not an expert).

Benedikte2 Fri 18-Nov-16 23:42:47

Seek legal advice asap. The Family court will not allow him to drive them if there is good evidence of his heavy drinking and drug use. Court can demand he is drug tested before given access and if a test can't be taken because he hasn't any hair, then that will just delay his case further.
After some recent cases where children have been harmed by father's granted contact, courts are a bit more wary where there are good grounds to suspect children could be at risk. On the other hand you could offer supervised contact, which would make you seem very reasonabl to the court.
You know you are doing the right thing by separating so hang in there. I was afraid of many of the things you cite but the reality was better than I had imagined.
If you are tempted to let him back do so only on condition he seeks counselling and remains sober for a specified period before he returns.

centreyourself Sat 19-Nov-16 18:54:41

How are you feeling today Martini?

CheshireChat Sat 19-Nov-16 20:25:26

Just wanted to say my dad was an alcoholic and I 100% believe my mum should've left him and that our life would've so much better for it. So this might help you along with your decision.

BeccaAnn Sat 19-Nov-16 20:26:10

On the can't test because of no hair on his head, they can and do test 'other' types of hair that might not be shaved if necessary. (Pubes, eyebrows, arm/leg hair). If you can prove regular use of illegal drugs and regular drink driving then contact centre would be a place to start for visits.

Birdsgottafly Sat 19-Nov-16 21:12:08

I'd be reporting him to the Police, whilst you are still with him, if you know that he will fail a drug/drink driving test.

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