Massive debilitating crush!!

[CrushCrazy]

Have nc for this as I'm too embarrassed and worried it's identifying... I have a massive, and totally inappropriate, crush on someone I work with and it's driving me crazy. It's been several weeks now, I can't sleep or eat properly, have lost weight (that I can ill afford), am hyper and think about him ALL the time. It is totally inappropriate for many reasons, main ones being that he is married with kids, as am I and that we work together. Before I get flamed I have absolutely no intention of acting on it, ever - I just want to vent (as I can't in RL) and I need advice on what to do to bring me back to normality!!.

Background: I met him at work a few months ago (we have lots of different projects on the go and work with many different people - it's a v large organisation). I just thought he was a lovely guy initially and although not particularly good looking facially I couldn't help but notice he's in hot shape for his age (mid 40s I'd guess - I'm early 40s). Anyway, it brightened my day but nothing more. We had to meet a few more times over the next few months and it was always a pleasure as I found him sparky and fun (and admittedly easy on the eye), but no more than that. Fast forward to one night where we both attended a symposium type event after work. I arrived there and he sought me out and came over and we chatted, stood together for the presentations and then chatted some more afterwards. There was a small amount of alcohol but it ended early so was by no means a boozy affair. Anyway, I really enjoyed the chat, I find myself feeling really animated when I'm around him, we make each other laugh etc. He's also incredibly bright and everyone wants to work with him, which is also v attractive. Anyway, I found myself thinking about him all the way home. I got the impression he fancied me, although he didn't say or do anything remotely inappropriate - I think you can just tell can't you?. Since that night I have been thinking about him non stop, obsessing about him really. I get giddy when I know I have to meet with him, taking extra care over my appearance etc. I almost have to sit on my hands in meetings as I have a massive overwhelming urge to touch him. He looks at me too, though he is a lovely guy and I'm pretty sure would never do anything. Anyway, after reaching one particularly hard deadline a group of us went to the pub. We chatted as a group and nothing inappropriate at all but moving more towards friends talk than work if you see what I mean. He said that he'd noticed another man looking me up and down and said he thought he was a sleazebag (I didn't notice) but, embarrassingly and inappropriately , I was pleased that he'd noticed that as I felt it made him notice me and that men fancy me ifswim. Gaaaaaaaaaaaah.

It's now got to the point where I'm really excited if I've got a legitimate opportunity to email him or meet with him and I feel like a pathetic teenager. I'm a professional, married woman in my 40s!

Anyway I'm rambling on. What I really want to know is how do I stop myself from feeling like this? I must admit I've enjoyed it up to a point as it's made me feel alive and I've enjoyed the daydreaming, but I fear if it carries on I'll make a fool of myself..... To add context I have 2 small children and a busy husband who gives me no attention and pretty much no emotional support. He's a good man but there's no spark at the moment and I often feel he's distant. We hardly ever have sex as we're both tired and our sleeping arrangements are complicated with 2 small children who co sleep. One night recently though I did instigate it (logistically quite difficult for various reasons and also quite unexpected by him I think atm...) as I was so pent up I just needed a shag!!. Is that awful???

Oh god I don't know what to do. I guess I'm unreasonable but I really don't think I can help biology and I never set out to fancy him, it just happened. The tough thing is that I don't think it's just physical, I admire him and think he's a lovely guy too and has lots of the qualities that I feel my husband lacks. Nothing will ever happen, even if my marriage did end (which I hope it won't) as he belongs to someone else and I'd never do that to another woman, so I'm not U in that sense, but my god it needs to stop!! Does this happen to anyone else or am I am a massive hormonal, mid life crisis crazy woman..??!

Help!!!

[CrushCrazy]

I'm also extra snappy with my kids, husband and wider family and just want to sit listening to music all day and daydreaming (which obviously I don't get the chance to do.....)

[JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu]

i dunno. mine lasted four years and i ended up leaving the country for good in order to get over him.
best of luck.

[mogonfoxnight]

I have a tiny crush on my dr at the moment (and I am married and with dc too). But... so have many women because he is damned attractive. Occasionally women in the waiting room eye each other up to see who is more likely to be adored by the doctor on that day... Possibly seeing yourself in a huge crowd of women who all have a crush on this chap might help you see it in perspective?

[WorraLiberty]

Christ, I think you probably need to pay it far less attention.

It'll pass eventually but it'll take longer if you give it this much head space.

[JellyWitch]

I'm lucky that my reciprocated crush wasn't local. It's been on and off for years but I am nonetheless happily married and keep crush very much in a little fantasy box.

If nothing is ever going to happen then it helps to spend less time together/communicating and also to find something else (a hobby, a different friendship etc) to get really focused on.

[Bluesrunthegame]

Read your post with some sympathy, very glad you have no intention of acting on your feelings!

Is it at all possible that he is something of a flirt and stirs women up like this regularly? Although you say he is a nice guy, so maybe not.

Not going to lecture, who needs that, but I found a thing called the Sedona method for releasing unwanted emotions, where you allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, then ask yourself could you let this go, would you let this go, and when. This often takes the heat out of feelings that are getting in the way of everyday life. (I haven't seen Frozen, but I understand there is a song about letting things go, might be the same idea.) When I had a crush on a guy that got in the way of getting on with my life (he wasn't interested and I was beginning to look like a fool, not that I'm saying you are), I pictured him and the emotions around him going into a big iron box that I then buried in my mind, in fact at the bottom of the sea. It seemed important to accept the emotions, running away just seemed to make them stronger, and then release them. A book called Focusing has also helped when I've had to deal with feelings becoming intrusive.

Other people will be along with advice on your marriage etc.

[Rainydayspending]

Here's a grip. He's just a person who is being friendly.
Work out why you are suddenly throwing over your life (not actually, but the constant daydreaming will affect your work, relationships and social life anyway). Whether it's some boredom at your life or a swan song from your ovaries it doesn't matter if you want the life you have now.

[CockacidalManiac]

I've experienced something like this a few years ago. It wasn't much fun, to say the least. I'm afraid I don't really have any answers for you.

[ohnometoo]

Nc for this.

You have my sympathies op.

I'm in similar situation. Our family are close friends with another family, children same age, we spend a lot of time together.

Anyway, I have this horrific crush on the husband. Same kind of thing as you. I have NO intention of acting on it, I love dh dearly (sex life not great though) and really love my friend (his wife) and her kids.

His feelings are reciprocal it's pretty clear and both dh and my friend have made jokes in the past about how it's clear we 'have the hots' for each other. Nothing we do, I think it's just obvious.

It's got to the point where I think we need to cut ties and see each other less, I can't see how it's healthy.

So no real advice, just huge bags of sympathy.

[fatsowhale]

Might it help to get your DC out of your bed and start sleeping with your husband again? This reads to me like your crush happened because you aren't getting what you need at home. If you started getting it, the crush might ease.

[user19861202]

This happened to me once- married, but developed a crush on someone I worked with, and even though I had no intention of following through it's all I could think about.

Someone advised me to picture crush doing a huge stinky shit to stop me from thinking of him in a sexual way. It worked.

[AutumnMadness]

I probably should name change before I dish out this incredibly embarrassing advice, but here we go: A) Have a lot of DIY sex while fantasising about this guy. It will help release emotions and tension and therefore help you look at him from a much more critical perspective. Don't bottle up your emotions as it's the forbidden fruit that is most attractive. B) Don't go near him while you are ovulating. Ovulation makes some of us proper batshit for socially inappropriate sex. Good luck.

[CrushCrazy]

Thank you everyone for your comments.

No I definitely don't think he likes stirring up women, he's too much of a genuine nice guy (sigh...). I guess what tipped it over from liking/ admiring/ appreciating him as an attractive guy but nothing more into crush territory was the evening in a more social setting when I got the impression he fancied me. I guess that suggests that I'm craving attention somehow and transferring it to him?? I also think I might be struggling with the fact that I'm likely to lose my appeal to men in the next few years iyswim. I've always been considered "attractive" and had men fancy me but I've kind of been dead to that the past few years with babies and tiredness and PND etc. He's made me feel alive again. God, I'm a classic mid life crisis waiting to happen aren't I..... :-( Maybe he is too, he hinted at being bored of the mundane life with kids etc (in an indirect way, not an asshole way). Got to run but thanks all and will be back to check in later......

[KingLooieCatz]

Are you me? I'm sure I would remember posting this.

Happily drinks after work are virtually unknown round here other than Christmas do and the object is in a distant enough team that Christmas nights out will be entirely separate. I think that's for the best.

It has prompted me to drop a massive hint to DH that I could do with more attention, and I've realized we really need to get back in the habit of closeness and just having a hug now and then. DH seems to have picked up on the massive hint, we'll see how long that lasts.

I also think the object of affection is a decent guy, there is a certain chemistry but nothing to throw life away over. I had a moment of realizing that however innocent I might think I was, to someone I'd be the OW. I don't want to be that.

Whenever I realize day dreaming is taking up too much headspace, I think user1986's suggestion will do the trick. Trying to get the image out of my head now.

[didthedeed]

I have had my inappropriate work crush for about ten years now. If he likes you too then it's really really hard to stop things happening.

At the beginning I was like you have described yourself at the moment - thinking about him took up literally every spare second of my day. I would even get annoyed with my DH for trying to have a conversation with me if I was happily daydreaming :/ Obv there were problems at home, young kids etc but that's no excuse.

We have a lot of work functions which involve alcohol and the situation soon became quite clear to us both. We'd flirt like crazy during the evening but ultimately were 'sensible' and went our separate ways. About eight years ago we were less sensible one night, and then the next time it went a bit further and etc etc. I'm sure you can guess the rest.

We still work together, we still fancy each other and still work and socialise together frequently but nothing has happened for the last five years. I don't think about him constantly now, don't feel sick with excitement if I see him - my day-to-day life is back to normal.

Not proud of this at all btw. And not saying you should do what I did! Just saying to be careful, having no intention of ever acting on it doesn't always mean much. My best advice really is to never drink around him. Those inhibitions are there for a reason!

Also AutumnMadness - no offence but the DIY fantasising would just make it harder to separate the person from sex, surely?

[PinkyPie80]

I think you need to remember the phrase "the grass is not always greener". I am one of those that acted upon the fantasy (although I was engaged no children at the time, he was married with kids). Ended horrifically and 15 years later I am still known around town as "the other woman". Once the thrill of the chase is off, reality is very different.

[CrushCrazy]

Yes Autumn I'm embarrassed to say there's been a lot of DIY while fantasising in the past few weeks - and didthedeed is right, I think it's made the feelings stronger as I think about him while I'm, er, at the peak so to say...

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Maybe he is too, he hinted at being bored of the mundane life with kids etc

I would really, really think about that, and then I'd completely cut this off and stop humouring it. He is looking for an affair. Whether he's done this before or not is largely irrelevant, but he certainly seems to know how to get his point across without being too creepy.

Harmless work crushes are just that, but if you're snapping at your children because they are distracting your fantasy world with him, you need to put the brakes on this fast. There are a few ways to do it - channel the romance back into your marriage, and take steps so that you do feel more connected to your husband; take time off work and forget about him; take steps to end your relationship if this has shown you that it isn't working for you (although NOT FOR HIM. He is married.) Do something like putting an elastic band round your wrist and flicking it whenever you think about him should help end the habit. Absolutely stop dressing up for him and making excuses to meet or email him.

YABU to let a work crush affect your children. YANBU to have a work crush, if it's harmless and controlled, but this is neither of those things and you're on dangerous territory.

It is time that you made some serious decisions. Your comment about not feeling attractive to men for much longer is rather telling - do you already have one foot out of the door in your marriage? Maybe you can get some good out of this if it's the catalyst to make you end things and find someone available who makes you happy.

[HateSummer]

You don't have time to have sex or talk to your dh and are snappy at them but you have time to day dream about this man. Get over yourself. Stop telling us how incredibly wonderful he is. Start giving attention to your family and maybe things might start getting better. Don't blame your husband for this stupid thing you're feeling.

[vicki2010]

I feel exactly the same about my dog walker!!!!! I am happily married, lovely family and life and this guy is ten years younger then me but everytime I see him I want to grab his cheeks and give him a long lingering snog!! That is all.......he's beautiful

[CrushCrazy]

HateSummer that isn't entirely fair although I see where you're coming from. I have put everything into my kids and into trying to keep the love in my marriage but my husband, although a good man, is incredibly selfish and emotionally unavailable. I have tried talking to him, until I'm blue in the face actually, but nothing changes. Obviously the answer is not this man as he is married, I know that. Also I don't want to hurt my children by leaving the marriage so that won't happen. I can see why I've developed the crush I guess, but it did genuinely take me by surprise.

To the poster who said she bets her diamond watch something will happen - what makes you say that? We're never in a situation where something could and I can guarantee that neither of us would engineer a situation where it could. Or maybe I'm naive?

AnchorDownDeep thank you, your post makes a lot of sense. Although I don't think he's looking for an affair at all, but I guess no one does at the start do they? I suspect he just feels a spark like I do and said some silly stuff (like I did).

[PurpleMinionMummy]

I sympathise op. I have a horrendous crush on someone atm. I too am married with kids. I think you recognise this is happening because of difficulty in your marriage. My dh and Aren't physically close atm and i know this is why for me. When you address that and reconnect with your husband the crush will more than likely pass. Take it as a warning signal, especially as your dh could also find himself in the same place but take a different route!. Have a good think about what you want and talk with your dh.

[PurpleMinionMummy]

And absolutely something could happen. People go into denial over what they're doing and get deeper and deeper. Affairs do happen to people who never plan them.