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Who is BU?- I owe ex 2k, therefore he shouldn't pay child support?

(232 Posts)
IncognitoPony Fri 18-Nov-16 10:58:12

I begged my ex to lend me 2k for a deposit on a flat so that I could finish my degree.

We have a 10 m/o DD.

The other day I asked him if we could arrange some payments for DD as I'm finding it really difficult to get by at the moment with having to pay bills.

He told me that he won't pay a penny unless I pay the 2k back. I don't have 2k. I'm staring to think about selling my body to get by but I don't want to do that.


Cocklodger Fri 18-Nov-16 11:00:17

He is being U.

FrankAndBeans Fri 18-Nov-16 11:00:57

The maintenance is for your child, the debt is with you, not your child. I think HIBU but I can see why he would be annoyed, but that's not a reason to short his child.
Are you still doing the degree?

SprogletsMum Fri 18-Nov-16 11:01:21

He owes your dd child maintenance so if he's refusing to pay it until the debt is paid back I'd work out how much he should be paying and then the debt should reduce by that much.
He sounds like a complete tosser.

WorraLiberty Fri 18-Nov-16 11:02:03

What was the payback plan and are you sticking to it?

I don't think he should be witholding child support btw.

But it sounds as though there's a backstory here.

IncognitoPony Fri 18-Nov-16 11:02:28

Frank yes. My university is in another city so I had to find somewhere to live. I would be homeless otherwise.

Paulat2112 Fri 18-Nov-16 11:02:31

Can you go through the official route? It used to be called CSA, can't remember what it's called now but I'm sure someone else here will

TupsNSups Fri 18-Nov-16 11:02:48

What was the agreement for you paying him back? Was it instalments?

If it was could you ask him if you can keep the weekly instalments as CM rather than him giving you extra money?

(I hope that makes sense)

IncognitoPony Fri 18-Nov-16 11:03:58

But it sounds as though there's a backstory here

My ex abused me. I think he's punishing me.

FrankAndBeans Fri 18-Nov-16 11:04:50

Are you in the process of paying him back? I can see where he is coming from if you're not.

IncognitoPony Fri 18-Nov-16 11:05:53

He didn't agree on weekly enstallments. Just keeps saying I owe him money. I can't actually afford to pay him anything decent. Maybe £5 a week but I need that money.

pringlecat Fri 18-Nov-16 11:06:11

I don't think he's being unreasonable to net off his maintenance to you against his loan to you. However at some point, the maintenance due will be more than £2k (if it isn't already), so he should make you payments.

Has either of you done any calculations?

TupsNSups Fri 18-Nov-16 11:06:25

Paulat2112 going through CSA (or whatever its called) May or may not help. If the ex has proof of the 2k he could say it was for CM and it will get taken into account. it depends how op was paid the money.

WamBamThankYouMaam Fri 18-Nov-16 11:09:26

So you borrowed £2k and have no intention of paying it back?

I think he's got a very valid point.

IncognitoPony Fri 18-Nov-16 11:09:46

No calculations were done. I dont know how much he earns and I know that's something he would never share with me.

He paid my landlord via debit.

IncognitoPony Fri 18-Nov-16 11:10:43

Wam I would if I had the money, but I don't at the moment.

WorraLiberty Fri 18-Nov-16 11:10:55

I meant a backstory with regards to the length of loan/payment plan etc.

How are you supporting yourself and the baby, apart from his payments?

IncognitoPony Fri 18-Nov-16 11:11:00

I'm a student.

NerrSnerr Fri 18-Nov-16 11:12:04

I think you need to set something up to pay him back, even if it starts of a small amount a week. You really shouldn't have borrowed money you can't pay back. I can understand why he's reluctant to give you maintenance but not sure where you stand legally. I would go officially through the CMS. If you're struggling maybe you need to halt your studies and get a job to support your son.

LIZS Fri 18-Nov-16 11:12:34

Have you been to cms?

WorraLiberty Fri 18-Nov-16 11:14:04

Did you promise him payment from a student loan?

This mess is likely to worsen unless both of you can work this out on paper.

IncognitoPony Fri 18-Nov-16 11:14:46

Worral I get CB, CTC and HB. I have to pay some of my rent with CTC as my landlord was the only person in the area willing to take on a a person with a child so my rent is a bit expensive. DD is in nursery but I've had to pay some of my own money for extra days as I'm in uni everyday. Rest is paid for with childcare grant.

QueenofallIsee Fri 18-Nov-16 11:15:43

If he was a decent sort, then he would want to pay for his daughter regardless. That said though, why on earth did you beg him (an ex of all people) for a 'loan' when actually you wanted a gift of £2k?

Go to the CSA, they won't care about the 2k but morally I think you need to take responsiblity for what you owe him.

OnionKnight Fri 18-Nov-16 11:17:31

You're both being U, you need to pay him back and he needs to pay maintenance.

IncognitoPony Fri 18-Nov-16 11:18:01

He said I can pay him back when I finish my degree as I would most likely have a well paying job to do so. Thought about approaching CMS but only if I couldn't get ex to pay for DD.

And I would never give up my studies. I would be in a much worse position than I am.

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