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AIBU?

To think i could get my ds back?

59 replies

Fouristhebestnumber · 18/11/2016 08:15

Sorry if this is long, I'm going to try not to drip feed. And I'm not a troll (mumsnet scarf, cube of poo, fruit shoots)

I split up with exh 3 years ago. I met someone else. Again, I know that is frowned upon here but I'm not holding back.. my exh was emotionally abusive, I wanted to leave him for years but he would always tell me that no one else would ever take me on with my 'issues' (depression and anxiety) and I believed him then I met someone at work and it was as though I'd known him forever.. exh was hurt and angry of course.. we shared a flat, living there with ds who was then 3.. I tried to stay a while, on the sofa, but exh began to get physical with me - physically throwing me out of the flat, held me up against the wall by my throat, once deliberately shut my fingers in the door... I started to worry for my safety so I left. The only place I had to go was my alcoholic fathers spare room.

I thought I'd take ds with me but exh forcibly stopped me, I left and then later that day a courier brought me an urgent court summons forbidding me to see ds for 10 days due to safeguarding issues.

I became very ill, I developed tinnitus and static vision, both of which I still have. I couldn't afford a solicitor. Exh was given residency and I was given eow, 1 night in the week and 1 afternoon.

Ever since life has been hellish. Ds was enrolled in a school close to exh. I live a few miles away due to not being able to afford to stay close, its an expensive area and I pay exh maintenance for ds.

Every moment he isn't with me I feel incomplete. I miss him so much. Every time I take him back it makes me cry. I need him so much.

I just got made redundant at work too. I'm thinking of taking the money and using it to fight for ds. I asked a solicitor and she said that because ds has been living happily with exh for 3 years and goes to school there that I wouldn't win.. it has to be worth a try though?

OP posts:

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RedHelenB · 18/11/2016 08:20

Probably not if your son is happy and settled where he is. Have you spoken to your ex about having more time with him? Maybe you could phrase it that you would be able to take care of ds for another night now you are redundant.

RoseGoldHippie · 18/11/2016 08:22

Have you asked DS who he would like to live with?
Are you still in the spare room or have you found your own place to live now?

Fouristhebestnumber · 18/11/2016 08:24

I have my own place .. ds has his own room, he shares it with dps 3 dc who are here eow but he adores them..

Ds says he wants to be with me but he's a lovely kind boy who wants to make people happy.. I am positive that if exh asked him the same question he'd say him.

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LIZS · 18/11/2016 08:25

Where are you living now? Were SS involved if there were safeguarding issues?

reallyanotherone · 18/11/2016 08:25

If your ds is settled then no, you probably won't win unless there are safeguarding issues like your ex is continuing to be abusive.

Why don't you use the money to get a place nearby so you can see him more?

There are many separated parents feeling like you, male and female. One has to lose residency and main care of their child. You need to put your own feelings aside and do what is best for ds.

Fouristhebestnumber · 18/11/2016 08:29

Yes ss were involved. I was very unwell with my depression at the time. I still am. The only time I'm truly happy is when I'm with ds.

I can't move closer as we have to be out where I am for dp and his dc - they are local and their dm won't allow them to stay with dp unless he's local (that's a whole other thing)

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Scooby20 · 18/11/2016 08:32

How far away do you live?

Lots of people travel a 'few miles' for school.

reallyanotherone · 18/11/2016 08:33

I can't move closer as we have to be out where I am for dp and his dc - they are local and their dm won't allow them to stay with dp unless he's local (that's a whole other thing)

So essentially you are living where you are to facilitate the relationship between your new dp and his children, at the cost of your relationship with your ds?

I know it's hard but this is the choice when you move on.

Fouristhebestnumber · 18/11/2016 08:34

I live an hours bus ride from ds school. If he came here he'd have to change school. He likes school. I know I'm being selfish. I'm just so lost without him.

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Hidingtonothing · 18/11/2016 08:34

Could you go for 50/50, not perfect I know but better than what you have currently. If you can show the court that you've sorted whatever the 'safeguarding' issues were and got your life together you should be in with a fairly good chance I would have thought. Could you make that work logistically?

Hidingtonothing · 18/11/2016 08:35

Ah, cross posted with you, sorry OP

Fouristhebestnumber · 18/11/2016 08:36

Yes. I made a choice because dp was losing his dc completely. And I couldn't afford a decent place close to ds. Rentals are about 500pcm dearer for the same thing near to him. Ds loves my house. Near him I had a tiny 1 bed full of damp.

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user1477282676 · 18/11/2016 08:38

If you want him then you have to put him first and not your DPs children. It's obvious really.

Fouristhebestnumber · 18/11/2016 08:38

Exh argued that 50/50 won't work because of travel.. I'm not sure it would work logically really. I don't know how I'd get to an arrangement which wouldn't mean I'd have to go without ds for days eow.

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NerrSnerr · 18/11/2016 08:39

I think if you want him back you'll have to be prepared to move back to the area, even if this means moving by yourself and not living with your partner. It sounds like your son has had a lot of upheaval and I think it'd be unfair to make him move schools etc

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 18/11/2016 08:40

You talk a lot about what you want - what do you think your DS would want?

I'm concerned when you say you are only happy when with your DS - that's a heavy burden for him

Fouristhebestnumber · 18/11/2016 08:40

It's not as simple as that. Dp wouldn't leave here because of his kids. I can't afford to leave and live alone and besides I can't. I love dp. I'm not good alone

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Gazelda · 18/11/2016 08:40

I can only imagine how this is breaking your heart.

But, is it in your DS's best interest to not only move home but also to leave the person who has been his main caregiver for half his life and to move schools and to go from having his own bedroom to one he shares with 3 others? I think that would be asking a lot of him unless he is very unhappy living with his DF.

Perhaps it would be better to see if you can increase the time you have with him during the week?

Do you have holidays, Christmas etc?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/11/2016 08:41

Your solicitor is right. I am sorry. You could improve chances of getting more access by moving back closer to him and sorting a room for him (4 children in one room doesn't sound too workable), but it sounds like that would impact on DPs access arrangements so that will be a tough decision to make.

Does you solicitor have any thoughts on if there's anything else you could do? They are the best authority here, they have access to all the social services notes and relevant information. If they've told you there's no chance, they are highly likely to be right.

is DP supportive? Would he move, if it'd help?

Fouristhebestnumber · 18/11/2016 08:41

I know it is. But it's true. I've made such a mess of my life.

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user1477282676 · 18/11/2016 08:41

Well you've answered your own question...you won't leave your DP. You don't see how DS could live there...you won't move.....

You're not prepared to put your son first.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 18/11/2016 08:42

To be honest, if you feel that you can't live without your DP, I don't actually think your in a position to be your DS' primary care giver

The court would want to be very assured that you would always put your DS' needs about yours. I don't see that here.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/11/2016 08:43

Crossposts. There isn't a chance, then. He's had that routine for half his life, he's settled and happy. You'd need a really good reason to disrupt that and even then the court are likely to side with the status quo.

Do you have MH help?

RhiWrites · 18/11/2016 08:43

Did you report the assaults and abuse to the police? Did you go tinge court hearing? It's a bit unusual for primary custody to be granted to the male parent and it's unfathomable to me that this would have happened if he was known to be violent.

Why did the court give you so little time with your son?

Fouristhebestnumber · 18/11/2016 08:43

Thank you for being kind. I know that him staying with his dad is what's best for him. But its killing me. I've had therapy and I still feel like it's all a bad dream.

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