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AIBU?

AIBU mil issues

25 replies

kookiecookie3 · 17/11/2016 20:21

My mum is terminally Ill we have probably weeks left. Mum has always been a hands on nana very active in my lo lives etc. Always there to and always would look after them.
My in laws barely see them, -and have never looked after them, now 5 and 2. I'm not complaining at that the less they see them the better.

What really got to me a few weeks ago was that MIL said to my DH that she would look after my youngest when it was my mum's funeral. Now is it just me or is that rude when my mum isn't even dead yet! Personally I would of expected them to be actually coming to the funeral!

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RichardBucket · 17/11/2016 20:24

Difficult to say - depends on context, tone, history. Hopefully it was kindly meant but a little tactless.

Very sorry about your mum.

LeavesinAutumn · 17/11/2016 20:25

Kookie so sorry your mum is so ill

Its hard to call from info given, because she could be very worried and trying to do a nice gesture? Do you think they will come or perhaps mean look after lo whilst you are there?

But yes, its painful to hear such talk esp from someone you dont feel cares for you much, if you did feel she cared for you - then what she says wouldnt be mis construed.
But obv you are going to be feeling very differently now, and raw and emotional...and people may not always know the right thing to say

JuneBuggy · 17/11/2016 20:26

People say odd things around those who are or may well soon be grieving. Try not to read too much into it, she was probably trying to be helpful by giving you one less thing to worry about. Sorry to hear about your mum

facepalming · 17/11/2016 20:28

Firstly I'm so sorry cookie. What an awful thing to be dealing with.

Sounds like you and your mum have a wonderful relationship.

It's certainly a little insensitive of your MIL so I don't think you Abu to be hurt by her comment.

That said as someone who jumps straight to the practical when dealing with something difficult I tend to think that she is just looking for ways to help. She discussed with your DH not you which could have been an effort at tact?

In what context did that even come up in a conversation with your DH?

DontMindMe1 · 17/11/2016 20:29

why is she assuming the youngest won't be there with their family?

I've seen young babies, toddlers and teens at funerals, i thought it was normal?

kookiecookie3 · 17/11/2016 20:30

Thanks for all your kind words, it is such a difficult time seeing someone who I'm so close to go through all this.
It may have been said as to help, but part of me thinks she's kinda pushing her way in now that my mum is 'out of the picture'

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RichardBucket · 17/11/2016 20:31

DontMindMe1 My 14-year-old cousin wasn't allowed at our nan's funeral because her parents thought she was too young.

I went to my first when I was about seven. I think it varies from family to family.

JuneBuggy · 17/11/2016 20:32

Just to counter DontMindMe1, we have never taken DS (now 5) to funerals we've attended of family members or otherwise. I don't know if that's right / wrong, my family just feel it isn't a great place for them to be. Your MiL may well feel the same.

kookiecookie3 · 17/11/2016 20:33

I don't know the context of the convo @facepalm he just said it to me kinda out of the blue one night.

To be honest I would like lo to be as he along with his sister are the only things that are making me get out of bed in the morning!!

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JuneBuggy · 17/11/2016 20:34

There's absolutely no doubt about it, seeing someone you love become ill is beyond awful. Your Mum's illness may have woken MiL up to her own mortality and what she's missing out on. Give her the benefit of the doubt if you can OP, let her try and support you albeit in a slightly clumsy way x

kookiecookie3 · 17/11/2016 20:35

its just that she never offered to look after either of them before but now she does.
If he doesn't come I would looking at putting in nursery for an extra day anyway.

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Pisssssedofff · 17/11/2016 20:37

It was probably meant well, my ex mil came out with gems like that but looking back I don't think she meant them in a bad way

Nanny0gg · 17/11/2016 21:24

Maybe she was just trying to be kind?

TBH I can't see why your DH felt the need to tell you about it at this time.

Sorry for what you're all going through.

glueandstick · 17/11/2016 22:57

I think sometimes people say things without thinking the effects through and your relationship with her compounds it.

My mother has no filter (bless her) and rang me up to ask if I'd like her to cremate our beloved pets. They are ill but not dead yet. I'm sure it came from a good place but so badly worded.

I'm so sorry about your mum. She probably didn't mean to come across like that. I imagine you are very very raw right now.

OzzieFem · 17/11/2016 23:03

Your MIL may be trying to be helpful but as OP stated she barely saw them, and had never looked after Gc before. Would the 2 yr old be comfortable with her on the day, especially as children pick up on adults emotions?

Lunde · 17/11/2016 23:05

Some people are very bad with expressing feelings - but try to jump in with what they think is practical help even if it seems a bit odd

My DF and MIL both passed away (6 months apart) when the DDs were 4 and 2 - they both came to funerals and it was fine. No other option really.

Interesting2Me · 18/11/2016 00:15

Maybe she's offering because she's trying to help. Maybe she's trying to step up and be a better person in a time of need.

Is she normally an evil bitch? Because if not, it sounds like you are just transferring your grief onto an easy target.

FeralBeryl · 18/11/2016 00:45

I'm so sorry for you all
Yes I get that sometimes people can say inappropriate things etc but I personally think it's a bit shit that she isn't 'planning' to be there to support you - and indeed her son, who I'm sure will be beyond devastated too.
My MIL falls into the gobshite category but she wouldn't have missed DFs day for the world. She did collect them earlier than us from childcare so we could stay, but that was much later on.

Take care x

Trifleorbust · 18/11/2016 06:56

She was probably just trying to offer you support. Do you have reason not to like her?

Sorry to hear about your mum.

Scooby20 · 18/11/2016 07:00

I think she was, badly, trying to help.

Tbh if my mum had said this to me when dh was losing a parent I wouldn't have passed the information on if I thought it would upset dh.

Either your husband didn't think there was anything odd about it or he should have kept it to himself if he thought there was.

I honestly think she is trying to help and you are reacting this way because you are grieving. Which is understandable. [Flowers]

Scooby20 · 18/11/2016 07:00

Or rather

KC225 · 18/11/2016 07:17

Sorry, you are going through an awful time but I think your MIL was offering practical help at what will be a difficult time. It wasn't said to you, it was said to DH so she wasn't being clumsy or insensitive YOUR DH WAS for telling you. I am assuming that she thought the offer would be on the table so it would be one less thing to think about when the time comes.

blueturtle6 · 18/11/2016 07:23

Shes ibu, if she offered to look after them whilst you see you mum when she's ill that would be better.
My gran died when is was 5 I didn't understand it, but going to the funeral may have helped me, depends on how your children would be seeing you upset?

Penfold007 · 18/11/2016 07:41

I've no idea what the back story is but I can imagine how awful things are for you at the moment. Taking your post on face value you are being U, your MIL has just offered some practical help not tried to take over. I'm sorry your mum is so unwell.

kookiecookie3 · 18/11/2016 20:49

lol @interesting time, yes she is usually an evil bitch!! They don't speak to me, FIL doesn't even speak to the kids!! Can't even say hello! They all just ignore me.

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