AIBU to completely ignore neighbour?(45 Posts)
OH and I at the beginning of this year relocated 200 miles away with 3 year old DS.
I soon fell pregnant with our second - and I am due next week.
I am always friendly with our neighbours and was open for conversation, however the household directly opposite us has taken a particular liking to us.
Their son is the same age as ours but is raised very differently. He is fully aware of how babies are made and has a colourful vocabulary. Including a word that is racist.
I try so hard too separate ourselves from them, ignoring her messages, pretending we aren't in, just smiling and waving rather than hanging about too chat but NOTHING works. If I do not answer a text within 10 minutes I get another one following very quickly after, a phone call, a door knock and often a Facebook message also - OH let slip I had Facebook so that's how I ended up with her on that.
When OH pulls up from work very late at night they come out to chat to him and then she will knock on the door until I speak to her also.
She has asked to borrow things numerous times and if I am going to the shop 'can I grab her ....' All of which I say I can't for whatever excuse.
I understand she maybe slightly lonely and I do 100% understand that as I have found maternity leave quite lonely but I can't stand her views or lack of respect for my privacy.
She knocked the other day and I told her I would really like some space as baby will be here soon and due to a complicated pregnancy (true) I needed to be fully recuperated before birth. She just nodded and left. Half an hour later she returned to ask if I had ever seen that Tesco sells orange peppers.
When her son is here to play he breaks my sons toys/ruins his pictures/etc and she never pulls him up on it. She often tries to guilt trip me into having her 6 month old as she 'gets no time too herself.'
I really seriously do not want to have maintain this level of relationship with her, she texts me as soon as she wakes up in the morning and is at the door half an hour after that. She then sends her DS over to shout for my DS - which obviously then DS doesn't understand why he can't answer the door to his friend.
Please any advice would be great, I feel so so trapped.
I have tried - what feels like - everything!!
Defriend her on FB, block her number or stop responding to texts, stop answering the door to her. Or answer and say "I'm busy, don't knock here again today".
Blunt to the point of being rude is the only language people like her understand.
Block her number on your mobile and just say its broken if she asks. Don't answer the door when she knocks and firmly send her DS away when he comes over -you don't need to be mean, just a 'we are very busy right now, we will see you later' and shut the door. Sounds a nightmare, I would hate that!
I feel for you op! That sounds like a miserable situation. I'm guessing you're stuck in "passive friendly" mode in your interactions with her, you know you'll need to be more assertive and blunt if you want her to back off, which no one enjoys doing.
What do you when she says something or her child says something racist? Are you keeping quiet? It's time to start calling her out when she says something you find repugnant and to tell her child that it's wrong to say that word (racist epithet) - even in front of her, she won't like it and it will probably end in her leaving with her child but it will have the desired effect of making her back off from you.
I hate confrontation but when someone feels okay to be racist/bigoted in my presence I have no problems asserting my feelings whatsoever!
When he first said it I was so taken aback and I looked at her for her reaction and she laughed, I then said "I really don't tolerate that language around me or DS"
The second time he said was when we bumped into them as we were on our way back from nursery, and I said right in front of her "do not say that again as its a very nasty word" -she didn't react at all.
It's got to the point where she withdrew her son from the nursery he was at and then applied for the nursery DS is at.
Thankfully he wasn't allowed too start full time as she hasn't yet started toilet training nor does she want too.
I think the responses have just made me realise that I will just have too point blank ignore her and hope she doesn't then react maliciously
Bloody hell, OP, YANBU.
Ignore, ignore, ignore. You've been very patient.
Can you change your number? Block her on FB.
There have been a few 'stalker' threads on MN, might be helpful to see how other people managed to get read of theirs.
Oh my goodness you poor thing. I think you are definitely going to have to be blunt.
You're going to have to make it really clear you don't like her. No fobbing off or "I'll see you laters" etc. What will happen then though?!
Do you rent or own the house?
Op I feel for you, she almost sounds vulnerable ie not parenting her son, un concerned or doesn't realise impact of racist words, he knows where babies come from at three , she has no sense of boundaries and pestered you again after you saying you needed space.
It doesn't sound like normal behavior to me.
I wonder if you simply made something up like a strange anxiety disorder which has flared up and you cant talk ? Nothing to do with her, but you need to be alone? Explain this to spare her feelings but also be very clear you need space - the doctor said so? Ie try and explain to her " so when you see me and say hi, a normal person would say hi back but when I am feeling like this - I feel ill, shakey, nervous, its odd and I cant help it, so dont be offended but I need to go into my shell"
<scrapping the barrel here>
Really difficult one. Another option to try, though it may not work is to sit down with her and explain in part how you feel. Something like 'I really value your friendship but dh and I are actually quite private and introverted and like to have lots of quiet private time. Could we schedule a play visit and coffee for a lovely catch up once a week/fortnight then on our usual busy days just keep to family? I don't speak to other neighbours at all because of this but I really like you...'. Or something like that. I think I'm also scraping the barrel though!
I think, even though it makes my bum go funny, you need to speak to her directly and tell her you're blocking her because you simply don't want this level of communication with a neighbour. If you are very nice about it, you may succeed in having a total wind down of her attention. If you do not, then it's tough tactics, tell her you don't like her and you don't want to be friends. It sounds horrendous for you, I feel very sorry for you.
This sounds awful. I think you need to tread carefully as she sounds like she has potential to kick off if you ignore her. I really have no advice as you have tried everything except outright telling her to fuck off.
God this brings back memories!
i can laugh about it now but it wasn't funny at the time.
There was a family that lived above me years ago. We only got to know each other as she'd just had a baby and i'd help her carry the pram up etc
She went from 'god neighbour' to 'stalker'.
She'd listen out for what time i woke up, left the house, came back. i would get constant texts, phone calls, knocks on the door. I felt trapped in my own space and suffocated, she would drain my energy.
These people have either got some mental health issues going on or they just don't give a shit about taking bare faced advantage of someone.
My friends found it funny that i was being 'stalked by a woman'
You have to make them go cold turkey. Block them on phone/fb etc.
Once they can only contact you physically - you keep it short and non-committal - never explain why you can't do x/y/z.
Don't answer the door even if they know you're in. My patience and tolerance for the 'i know you're in/why didn't you open the door' reached it's limit one day.
I opened the door and let her have it
I no longer cared if she felt hurt or anyone thought i was being mean, fuck me but if they've got skin thick enough to behave like this then they can take on my wrath
yeah she got the hump with me and bad mouthed me....but she could no longer behave like that again.
Your dh needs to get on board with this as well. It isn't funny and he shouldn't encourage her when she accosts him.
If she follows him he can very easily say 'we're about to eat' and then shut the door in her face if she won't go away.
As you have to live on the same road get used to doing the cheerful, smiley 'hi' as you pass them by without stopping to engage in any real conversation
I think maybe you might just be best off to outright say it "Mary, I don't mean to be rude but I need to be honest, I'm finding the level of contact you seem to want too much, maybe we could do coffee on a Tuesday morning and leave it at that in between, I'm just not into intense friendships", if she disagrees or keeps going then you just need to adopt her attitude and be cheeky "knock knock - "Hi Mary, it's not Tuesday, you are making me uncomfortable, let's just leave it at a neighbourly hello" and close the door
Imagine what it is going to be like when you have the baby (next week?). You will have your 3 yr old, new baby and that nightmare across the road to contend with.
Discuss the situation with her now and lay down some rules. If she doesn't like it tough! Stick to those rules and if she can't, tell the police you are being harassed and would they please talk to her. You cannot possibly cope with two 3 yr olds, a newborn, 6 month baby and her in your space.
Bloody hell. I'd change my phone no for a start. And practice saying "sorry I'm busy" and shutting the door at speed. I think you're prob going to end up screeching at her when she knocks and wakes the baby repeatedly, hopefully that will do the trick!!
Sounds bloody awful. I'd go down the direct route because she's obviously shit at taking hints.
Why are you being polite when she isn't?
I think once the baby arrives you'll reach your breaking point and snap like dontmindme. I think it's important you clarify in your mind how much she has reduced your quality of life and come up with clear boundaries.
I'd personally be very blunt and completely end the "friendship". Subtlety is lost on her.
Why isn't your OH helping you? You shouldn't be dealing with a stalker on your own.
I echo what most other posters have said. I know it feels socially awkward and you don't want bad feeling but you need to be straightforward. Anything other than a straight statement like 'go away and stop coming round here all the time' will just encourage her. Also block on phone and social media.
Sounds awful. As an interim measure I'd try organising something for the middle of next week and explicitly saying you don't want any contact in the meantime. Stick to your guns.
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