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Aibu to respond like this when asked when I'm having a second child?

(106 Posts)
steppedonlego Thu 17-Nov-16 15:49:18

I have a DD age 3, and people at work are constantly asking me when I intend to have another one, to the point where I'm asked two to three times a day. For the past two years since I returned to work I've given the platitude of "oh well maybe when we're ready..." but it's been really getting to me lately.

I struggled for two years to get pregnant, suffering two miscarriages, a difficult pregnancy that saw me unable to walk at all for the last month because of severe SPD, and PND so badly that I'm still receiving treatment for it now. Added to this several disasters whilst I was on maternity leave (boiler broke down expensively, car broke down expensively, several other more minor things) which has left us in significant debt that we are slowly paying off, but the cost of a second baby, mainly because I would have to be off work with no overtime for two months, would bring us to bankruptcy.

I'd love a second child, but life circumstances is looking more like it's never going to happen, so I'm trying to be content with what I have (especially with DD, who is the loveliest little girl) but it's like a wound that I'm trying to heal that is being poked at every day.

AIBU to tell the next person who demands I have another child all this? (or rather, AIBU for finding imagining telling people this just to imagine the look on their faces cathartic, as I actually could never tell people this kind of personal information anywhere but an anonymous forum)

maxfielder20 Thu 17-Nov-16 15:53:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PerspicaciaTick Thu 17-Nov-16 15:56:10

Are the people you work with especially stupid? They've been asking you the same question 2 or 3 times a day for 2 years?
I'd be tempted to keep a tally of who has asked, then announce a small, one-off prize for the winner... possibly an earhorn for the hard-of-thinking.

Graphista Thu 17-Nov-16 15:57:12

How on earth is it ANY of their business? I'd respond by asking THEM deeply personal questions!

'Are you getting your roots done soon?'

'Have you started menopause?'

'Do you have trouble maintaining an erection now you're getting older?'

'Did you know that colour really doesn't suit you?'

See how they bloody like it! wink

Sparlklesilverglitter Thu 17-Nov-16 15:59:56

I'm 39 and nit long had my first baby and I won't be having another as I feel as I get older I'm better just having one and I was an only child and bloody loved it!

People have already said "well if your having another you better get on with it" "when is the next one"

My reply is I am stopping at one! No more to be said on the matter cheeky noisy fuckers

Arfarfanarf Thu 17-Nov-16 16:03:08

I think I'd reply
you know, you really ought to be careful about asking people that question. For all you know, they might ::insert list:: and find such questions very upsetting.

or, yes, hit them with the lot.

Or say, you ask me that so often, my reproductive plans must be very important to you. That's a little odd.

that'll probably ensure they never ask you anything again, ever. or talk to you for that matter grin

VestalVirgin Thu 17-Nov-16 16:05:36

I don't find it difficult to tell people personal things, so I would just say "Pregnancy was horrible, birth was, too, and I really don't want to go through all that again, but perhaps if I ever win the lottery, I might consider adoption."

But you could also just say "I am very happy with DD and don't want another child" and leave it at that. Not completely true, but in the circumstances you are in, you really don't want another child, so it is true enough.

I find it very weird that people don't ask IF you will have another child, but WHEN. Like, why do they assume you want a second child? Plenty of people only have one child.

... or perhaps you could say: "When science finds a way for men to get pregnant and give birth, DH will have our second child." grin

Comtesse Thu 17-Nov-16 16:06:11

"Gosh that IS a very personal question! Why on earth would you want to know that?"

Loaferloveforyou Thu 17-Nov-16 16:07:53

I'm getting married soon and I regularly get asked when I'll be having a baby. By family, friends and colleagues.

YADNBU - it's as if having kids is a woman's sole purpose in life.

But I suspect, as it is for me, these people don't mean anything nasty by it and probably think they are the first to ask bloody irritating it is though

Gottagetmoving Thu 17-Nov-16 16:08:31

Just say you don't want another. Surely then they won't ask again?

steppedonlego Thu 17-Nov-16 16:09:45

Just to clarify, I work in a huge building with over 100 staff, so it isn't the same people asking everyday, but the same people may ask weeks apart if that makes any sense. (Keeps it in the range of irritating and a bit intrusive rather than plain strange)

graph I should possibly do this, especially as it tends to be mainly men. Can't imagine they'd be too happy about the strength of their reproductive abilities.

arfarf I have actually done this with various degrees of success, a couple of people very shamefaced and agreeable and haven't asked again, right through the spectrum of reaction to one Bitchface who hoiked her bosum up and declared that "well that kind of woman should just get over it, it's cruel to just have one on their own" shock

Rumtopf Thu 17-Nov-16 16:10:59

I used to make a blithe statement about "oh it'll happen when it's meant to", that kind of thing. But now, after 8 unexplained miscarriages, I'm a lot more blunt. The last time someone asked me I told them, "it's not for the lack of trying, we have sex all the time but I have a tendency to miscarry which is rather painful to talk about" at which I picked up my wine glass and went to find someone else to talk to. Apparently they stood gaping like a fish. Idiots.

You may well have to be blunt and rather direct about it I'm afraid.

steppedonlego Thu 17-Nov-16 16:13:01

gottaget you'd think wouldn't you? But rather than a conversation ender, most people see it as an invitation to convince me to have another, like they expect me to say "Oh, you're worried about what DD might feel like after we'be died? Well that's changed my view entirely, must dash, I have to immediately go home and mount DH"

steppedonlego Thu 17-Nov-16 16:14:49

rum flowers so sorry for your losses, perhaps next time I should, would enjoy a gaping fish.

choccyp1g Thu 17-Nov-16 16:26:59

Someone once said to me when I asked a nosy question.

" A lot of people have asked me that, and I always tell them to mind their own business"

ginauk84 Thu 17-Nov-16 16:27:09

I feel your pain, my DD is 3 now and I am so sick of my MIL and my MIL's mum telling us you have to have another one. I could throttle them, I had severe SPD during my pregnancy and it didn't go away when I had my daughter. It is one (of many) reasons we won't be having another, I don't want to end up a cripple - my mum and close friends understand this but his family don't seem to, some people end up in a wheelchair for life with it. My health is important to me but sometimes I feel like because I am not actually related to them they don't really care what state I am in as long as I give them another grandchild! It's all very well people telling you to ignore them, it's not that easy is it! Some good suggestions here from people and I shall also be using them.

whiteonesugar Thu 17-Nov-16 16:30:38

When we were TTC DS (3 miscarriages, 2 years, horrible horrible time) someone asked me 'when you having a baby then, must be about time?' I responded 'it's not always as easy as it looks on Jeremy Kyle' and left it there. He didn't ask again. Another time I just replied 'that's really none of your business'. Sometimes you have to just be blunt.

DS is 21 month now and I have been asked countless times. I just brush over it but the reality is after the drama getting him I don't know if I can actually put myself through it again. Dreading when it really ramps up, usually once your child is 2 I find people start asking. Sorry it's bothering you, people just don't think.

Floggingmolly Thu 17-Nov-16 16:30:41

You can't possibly be asked this two or three times a day confused. A huge building, with over 100 staff, and they all give a shit how many kids you have?!!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Thu 17-Nov-16 16:36:11

I used to arch an eyebrow and say "are you asking if I'm having unprotected sex?". That tended to shut them up and if it didn't then "because if you are will we talk about your sex life too?".

My mother was particularly intrusive about this stuff and I would just tell her I didn't see how it was her business.

amicissimma Thu 17-Nov-16 16:46:22

I have a larger than usual gap between my DCs, which represents a great deal of heartache. When I was asked The Question I found that replying 'When and if God wills it' shut them up. I think they thought I might start spouting Religion at them and left me alone.

archersfan22 Thu 17-Nov-16 16:48:00

I find this very hard to understand - I come from a family that really doesn't talk/ask about this sort of thing (even to a close family member) so I always find it weird when random people ask. I never quite knew what to say during the years that we were trying but nothing was happening. I think I made it clear enough that I didn't want to talk about it because not many people asked more than once.

GeorgiePeachie Thu 17-Nov-16 16:49:11

MovingOn AHAHAHA. Brilliant.

twinjocks Thu 17-Nov-16 16:49:46

Choccyp1g "A lot of people have asked me that, and I always tell them to mind their own business"

That is completely brilliant - I might have to steal it - not to reply about prospective children, as I'm past all that - but so useful in so many scenarios!! Thanks!

OP - To the question you're being pestered with - I used to just answer in a slightly manic way "NEVER!". Usually shut them up!

steppedonlego Thu 17-Nov-16 16:58:23

flogging I assure you it's the truth, though (at the risk of drip feeding) I am part time, so work 3 days a week so am asked by 6-9 people a week, which I don't think is unbelievable, people just seem to think that it's acceptable small talk fodder on par with the weather rather than seeing it as the rather painful subject it actually can be.

Thankyou for the advice ladies, more than anything I needed the reassurance that I wasn't being drippy and oversensitive, so I feel much better now. wine for all.

SquedgieBeckenheim Thu 17-Nov-16 17:02:43

I used to tell people we didn't want any more. Those that persisted I would say "I nearly died last time, I don't want to risk leaving DD motherless". I found they stopped asking after that. When I left it open as in "maybe one day" the nosey fuckers kept asking!
Turns out we are having number 2, so we've had a few shocked reactions to that news! Deep down we always wanted 2, but the decision to TTC took a lot of soul searching due to the problems last time.
It's not a question I would ever ask anyone, as you never know what heartache you may be dragging up. I don't get why anyone thinks it ok!

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