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Is this my mother?

(53 Posts)
Catcrazy08 Thu 17-Nov-16 13:15:13

Have been reading on mumsnet and think I finally have a label for my mother's behaviour. Narscasstic.
I text her this morning, and asked have I ever make you proud?
Am I the family disappointment?
Her reply...
That's just stupid. Sorry that's the way you feel. I'm the one ignored no matter how I try to invite my kids to do things or visit. Not continuing with this.if that's the way you feel your imagining all this. I've more than enough to cope with at the moment but don't unload on anyone.
Thoughts please?

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl Thu 17-Nov-16 13:16:45

That's a deep question to ask by text in the morning.

There is obviously a back story here

atticusclaw2 Thu 17-Nov-16 13:17:21

I would think that a very attention seeking and self pitying email to send your mother I'm afraid.

I'm sure I will now be flamed.

NapQueen Thu 17-Nov-16 13:18:19

Could be you.coukd be her.

impossible to say without more detail.

RestlessTraveller Thu 17-Nov-16 13:18:49

Why would you send that text?!

NavyandWhite Thu 17-Nov-16 13:18:57

Back story?

HallowedMimic Thu 17-Nov-16 13:19:05

A question like that just screams attention seeking.

I would be utterly exasperated if my children pulled stuff like that.

TupsNSups Thu 17-Nov-16 13:19:23

I think it probably depends on context really.

Why did you send the text? (A very deep text for early morning)
Do you and your siblings ignore her when she asks you to do things,wants to visit?
Does she have a lot going on at the moment?

Dowser Thu 17-Nov-16 13:19:47

Can't understand why you wouldn't pick up the phone and ask her.

Those sort of conversations on txt never go well

roundandroundthehouses Thu 17-Nov-16 13:20:03

I was going to say it depends on the context of what has gone before. If my dd (when adult) asked me that in the middle of a deep conversation I would answer her honestly, with (I hope) reassurance and love. If she asked me out of the blue in a text, I'd be very taken aback and would wonder if she was OK, possibly invite her to meet and talk. But in the middle of a row she might get a different response.

Maudlinmaud Thu 17-Nov-16 13:21:23

I think a question like that would be better asked in person. It's difficult to read the tone of a message and it is a sensitive subject.

Dowser Thu 17-Nov-16 13:21:52

I'm proud of my kids for just being alive and breathing. It's non conditional. The fact that they are lovely people to boot makes me doubly proud . The fact that thy can drive me nuts too ( as I do them ) makes us all human.

TupsNSups Thu 17-Nov-16 13:22:46

Do you ever ask her if she is ok and needs to talk or anything?

From her reply * Not continuing with this* sounds like you often do stuff like this.

and I've more than enough to cope with at the moment but don't unload on anyone

She sounds pretty down tbh.

Catcrazy08 Thu 17-Nov-16 13:24:52

Agree to her it must have come out of the blue. I was testing her reaction I suppose.
She never compliments me, praises or has ever shown love.
She need to be the centre of attention all the time.
I had been reading threads on mn about narcissistic parents and it rung so many bells.
My mother demands all the time.

RestlessTraveller Thu 17-Nov-16 13:28:40

I think narcissism is completely over-diagnosed on MN.

Catcrazy08 Thu 17-Nov-16 13:28:54

If I ever need her she has always got more on more problems etc...
If I told her my daughter wasn't very well she would say she needed to go to A&E for something herself.
We have fallen out on several occasions because I stand up to her now when she is being nasty or selfish

QueenOfTheNaps Thu 17-Nov-16 13:29:10

If I received that message I'd be a bit, "new phone, who's this?"

Honestly, there's a time and a place for conversations like that and it's not an early morning text. You obviously have some issues with your relationship- maybe a face to face conversation would be best?

Haffdonga Thu 17-Nov-16 13:31:43

If as a (hopefully not narcissistic) mum I got a message like that out of the blue from one of my dcs, my immediate answer would be Of course you make me proud. Why are you asking? Are you feeling OK? Want a chat?

Instead CatCrazy your mum has immediately turned your question round into a Poor me pity party. I'm the one ignored etc etc

That really does seem quite narcissistic on the face of it. As others say, depends on what had been said between you before.

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl Thu 17-Nov-16 13:34:37

Is your mother quite lonely? My mother is the same. She won't change now so I just let go. It's hard sometimes but it's a lost battle really

pigsDOfly Thu 17-Nov-16 13:35:46

Not sure why you would think her reply to your question would lead you to think your DM is narcissistic.

Unless there is a great deal more going on in your relationship I agree with pps, it's an odd question to text someone out of the blue first thing in the morning.

Also there's a lot of labels thrown around on MN by people who don't really know what the real meaning of the terms involves: narcissism is a personality disorder that is notoriously difficult to diagnose. Doubt a psychiatrist would diagnose your DM as one judged on a slightly irritable reply to the question you texted her.

Devilishpyjamas Thu 17-Nov-16 13:37:41

My immediate response to that text would be to ring and make sure my child was okay. It would unnerve me.

Competitive illnesses (your later post) is a bit of a sign of narcissm imo. Have a family member who does that and it drives me mad (& she is a bit narc).

Of course there's a difference between meeting the criteria for a NPD dx & being very self centred but with the family member I mentioned above I certainly found it helpful To realise it was them not me. Our relationship improved as well (ironically) as I stopped stressing about their reaction & let a lot of it wash over me.

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight Thu 17-Nov-16 13:37:57

Is your mother quite lonely? My mother is the same. She won't change now so I just let go. It's hard sometimes but it's a lost battle really

Same here. Over time I have learnt to not expect much from her emotionally. The main thing that helped me was to get in the habit of not responding and not getting into an argument when she 'started'.

You can't change other people, only the way you react to them.

EssentialHummus Thu 17-Nov-16 13:46:40

I'm another one with a mother who exhibits some of the signs of narcissistic behaviour. Personally, I don't find it helpful to diagnose here - and I don't think you can diagnose hers based on the exchange you had, though her reply is very cold.

Instead, when I think of my mother / my interactions with her, I think, "What do I need to do to protect myself from how she tries to make me feel? How can I minimise contact with her? How can I avoid situations that make her play up? What stock phrases do I need to have ready when she starts ranting?" Personally, I find it much more helpful.

At some point soon I'll need to tell her I'm pregnant, and I've already placed a little bet with myself as to how soon afterwards she'll be mysteriously ill with something life-threatening that sorts itself out within 5-6 months, but might re-occur post-birth hmm.

Bertucci Thu 17-Nov-16 13:48:49

Does she need a label? Does it help you?

Perhaps you need to address it face to face. Texting is better suited to the non-profound stuff, imo.

Greengoddess12 Thu 17-Nov-16 13:55:57

Gosh op if my kids texted me that I would be on the phone immediately wondering what the hell was wrong.

My dsis makes everything about her from my oldest child's wedding to Christmas invites to a yearly cancer scare.

For example she told my dad I hadn't asked her for Christmas when I clearly had but she doesn't want to come ( fair enough) but wants to blame me.

If my parents who have altzimers forget any aspect of her life she accuses them of selfishness.

Is that familiar with you op and is your mum like that?

Basically all about her.

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