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To be this upset by a parents attitude?

(62 Posts)
MrsJen3 Thu 17-Nov-16 12:39:44

I probably need to toughen up and get used to this but it has upset me enough to make me cry when telling someone about it this morning😶
At nursery pick up yesterday my GS age 2.5 (been with us since he was 5 months old, I'm his grandma & foster carer) snatched the dummy from another childs mouth and threw it across the room. I immediately told him "that's not nice" and he said "sowwy" to the child without being asked. I picked the dummy up and handed it to the child's mum who took the dummy but ignored my apology, she just ignored me full stop. GS then began to play up as he knew he had done wrong and had been told off and he doesn't cope with either of those things well (it is highly likely he has FAS and his behaviour can be challenging) and this parent just watched us looking down her nose at me and GS.
If I had been this other parents I just know I would have reacted with much more kindness and understanding but I guess everyone is different. Do you look down on people with challenging children? Is this something I'll just have to get used to if my GS doesn't have behavioural problems because of FAS? Am I going to have to explain to every parent that actually it's not his fault or mine that his behaviour is difficult?

MrsJen3 Thu 17-Nov-16 12:41:19

That should say 'does have behavioural problems because of FAS '

humblesims Thu 17-Nov-16 12:44:05

She sounds rude. You and GS apologised. No need to explain. Some people just are rude and unfriendly.

RhiWrites Thu 17-Nov-16 12:44:42

I can see that this was upsetting, no one likes being blanked. But you don't know what was going on in her head. Maybe she was having a bad day and just didn't feel able to produce a suitable reply.

HammerToFall Thu 17-Nov-16 12:44:45

I could have written. Your post today. My daughter is adopted and has attachment issues. She is having a really hard time at school and has more or less retreated letting her characters that have helped her survive in the past take over as she can't deal with things at the minute. So school are seein anger aggression and defiance but they insist she is in control of it and have no understanding of the two parts of the brain disengaging which makes her unable to think logically. Ichildren that have had early trauma do not behave like other children and people need to be far more aware of the issues than they are. Could you speak to nursery and explain and ask them to send a letter home to the other parents or something?

Blossomdeary Thu 17-Nov-16 12:45:22

Ignore her - forget it. If your boy does have FAS there will be many more times when you will need to be strong, so now's a good time to start! I know it is annoying, but you need to just think that it is her problem and not yours.

claraschu Thu 17-Nov-16 12:48:10

Aw Jen, don't be upset. If I were the other mother (and I was in a reasonably good mood), I would have been grateful to you for apologising, falling over myself to reassure you that it was fine, telling you that all children do things like that, etc. Maybe the other mother was just having a tough day and not really putting herself in your shoes.

MrsJen3 Thu 17-Nov-16 12:50:50

I know I should ignore her and I've thought maybe she's had a bad day, maybe she's just not a nice person and so on but I can't believe how upset I am. I feel it's unreasonable of me to be this upset about it, I'm usually much stronger than this but I still feel so upset .

MrsJen3 Thu 17-Nov-16 12:53:37

Maybe it's the thought that this is just the start of having to cope with negative attitudes from other parents. If he has got FAS when he starts school I've no doubt there will be many more incidents like this for me to manage.

NavyandWhite Thu 17-Nov-16 12:53:57

Sounds tough OP. Please try not to dwell on her. She may have her own problems or she might just be someone who isn't very understanding.

flowerscakebrew

Amelie10 Thu 17-Nov-16 12:57:19

I think what he did sounds quite normal for 2.5 year and not really anything to do with his condition? I'm not sure what you wanted her to say though.

Tissunnyupnorth Thu 17-Nov-16 12:59:46

I think he's got you on his side & that is all that matters. flowers

Rootvegetables Thu 17-Nov-16 13:01:53

I have 2 year old twins, we go to lots of playgroups sometimes they do things like that sometimes other people's 2 year olds do. It seems like very standard behaviour to me! I never really worry about what other people's children are doing and accept apologies graciously but sometimes others don't it just seems to be the way it is. people may have other stuff going on, I think I often seem a bit aloof but usually I'm just making sure I'm watching them. Also I've come to realise some people just aren't very nice, there's little I can do about that. You shouldn't feel bad or need to explain anything but I guess when it's someone close to you obviously you take it personally.

MatildaTheCat Thu 17-Nov-16 13:03:58

This could be typical toddler behaviour and no doubt her own child is capable of similar behaviour. You apologised, she ignored you and is therefore rude. End of.

Sorry but yes, if dgs does go on to be diagnosed with FAS you are going to get a lot of comments and snooty looks and do the walk of shame more than anyone prefers. In your position I might consider being non specific about the actual diagnosis because you will get judgers who will think even more negatively if alcohol is mentioned. Perhaps 'born with a brain injury' or similar? Some people with asd children have cards printed which explain they have this condition and behavioural challenges which reduces the number of times they need to explain. Could be worth considering.

flowers to you, it sounds very hard.

iamEarthymama Thu 17-Nov-16 13:05:22

I had 3 year old on foot and 1year old in buggy this morning on the bus.
A family, grandmother and daughter with a small child in a buggy each were waiting at of the stops.
We could have squeezed 3 buggies on, I stood and made room but driver said they have been instructed to only have 2 Prams or buggies on board at any ne time.
My little one was fast asleep so i was reluctant to wake.
Mother got on while grandmother folded buggy and paid. She was struggling to close the buggy so I stood and helped, lifted it into luggage area and apologised explaining about child being asleep.
I didn't get any acknowledgement from either of them, certainly no thanks for helping, not even a smile.
People are odd, I find when I am in a bad place that it often helps to paste a smile on and be kind.
I hope your grandson is ok amd you get the support you and he need.

AliceInUnderpants Thu 17-Nov-16 13:05:58

Perhaps she was still cross, so kept quiet rather than say something that she would regret?

Sorry but, yes, this is something you are going to have to develop a tough skin against if your GS does have ongoing issues with his behaviour, regardless of the cause. A quick look around the world (virtual or real) will show you that many people continue to be intolerant of disabled people sad

museumum Thu 17-Nov-16 13:12:50

I really wouldn't worry about it so much, the other mother didn't say anything, I find collection time quite hard, I'm busy and rushed and tired and thinking about dinner and worried a bit about how my ds's day has been. If i saw another child doing something that upset him i'd be focussed on him tbh and making sure that he's overall had a good day and is ok insert all the working mum guilt here and may not have the most emotional energy to be nice to the mum of the other child, even though i know it's the right thing to do, or i might not have even noticed the other mum and be focussed on my ds and trying to get a word with his keyworker.

ChocolateBudgeCake Thu 17-Nov-16 13:16:05

Yes she may be having a bad day. Yes she may just be one of the less friendly people in life. Yes she might be a judgy bitch.

But you handled the situation well and you don't need to justify your GS's behaviour. Many children without additional needs would behave that way. You intervened and he apologised.

Just ignore her and move on.

Tomorrowillbeachicken Thu 17-Nov-16 13:16:21

I'd return the favour and blank her.

golfbuggy Thu 17-Nov-16 13:16:35

Eh? Can't really see what she did wrong. You apologized, she said nothing further. Yes she could have said "thanks" when you gave the dummy back, but it's hardly necessary in this situation. I think that accusing her of "looking down her nose" at you is projecting wildly. She was stood there looking at you, you have no idea what she was thinking.

Velvetdarkness Thu 17-Nov-16 13:19:18

I have an autistic child and a toddler so tantrums are my life. People do stare but I ignore. I'm confident in my parenting and if anyone pulls a face I sometimes say "it's tough being a mum isn't it?" To draw them into being friendly but mostly I just don't care any more. My life is hard enough already.

MrsJen3 Thu 17-Nov-16 13:22:49

Amelie10 the snatching/throwing of the dummy I agree is totally typical 2 year old behaviour, the frustration and meltdown afterwards also potentially typical two year old behaviour so the other parents attitude was, I feel, uncalled for. The reason for my mentioning the possibilty of FAS is because maybe this is just the start of me having to deal with other parents disapproving unsympathetic behaviour. After all if someone can't find it within them to acknowledge an apology for a 2 year olds typical toddler behaviour what's it going to be like when he's 5, 6 or 7 and behaving badly.
Just an acknowledgement of my apology would have helped.

Trifleorbust Thu 17-Nov-16 13:23:27

I'm going to be honest and say I don't have a lot of patience with really badly behaved kids confused

If someone apologised I would accept it, but it doesn't necessarily make me feel very warm to them.
You may have to accept that your GS' behaviour will attract disapproval.

Sorry you were upset.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Thu 17-Nov-16 13:24:19

Hi Jen, let it go, it really isn't worth hanging on to.
I think the reason why you are so upset, is, the realisation, that this could be the beginning of a long road, and it could be tough.
However, there is a lot of help out there, and many different coping strategies . Don't be frightened to speak up on your DGs behalf.
Next time you see this woman, go over to her, with a smile of course, and explain, that he has FAS, hopefully she will be amongst other parents, when you do.
You sound really lovely, your DG is blessed to have you. 💐💐💐

Gottagetmoving Thu 17-Nov-16 13:26:02

You apologised and she ignored you. Don't think any more about it.
So long as you are happy with your own behaviour don't worry about hers because it has nothing to do with you.
She could just be an unfriendly, grumpy person.
Life is too short to worry about someone else's attitude.

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