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Christmas visit to PIL

(160 Posts)
herbwife Thu 17-Nov-16 10:21:37

First time post and a bit of a brain dump, so sorry if it's a bit long/ mixed up.

So received an email from MIL with her plan for Christmas set out day by day and with accommodation organised etc. Seems perfectly reasonable, but she has arranged for us to stay with BIL and his DW while our 3DC stay at theirs. Nothing wrong in that you might think except the DC don't like being there without me as she is very strict about what they can and can't do (no toys downstairs, keep quiet, no mess) basically they can play on the trampoline or colour/ draw (as long as they don't get too many pencils out or use a lot of paper).
They have to share the smallest of the 3 bedrooms, MIL and FIL use the 2 larger ones, so 12 yr old DD1 (who has started her periods and is VERY self conscious about it) has to share what is really just a box room with 8yr old DS.
DH and I are supposed to drop the DC there and then head over to BIL's. BIL lives 20-30 min drive away. Neither DH or myself drive.
They only want DC there NYE. So DH loses a precious day with them (he works away during the week so only sees them weekends and his holidays).
I would have to bring the DC back on my own (5 hour train journey) with all luggage/ presents on a busy tourist line.
We were not asked in advance about any of this and actually have theatre tickets (panto) for the day MIL wants us to go.
PIL won't come to us as it's too far for FIL to drive and they can't stand my DM (another thread entirely)
So AIBU to say we're not going? WWYD?


ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Thu 17-Nov-16 10:27:13

YANBU. I think when you have your first child it's time to spend xmas In your own home and stop going to parents to be honest. Going to parents is what single adults do surely?

ConvincingLiar Thu 17-Nov-16 10:30:10

It's kind of you to plan ahead mil but your plan isn't compatible with our pre-existing arrangements. I suggest we meet up at x on date or date instead. Would that suit you?

Oldraver Thu 17-Nov-16 10:31:20

I would not be going. Dont drag your DC's out to what sounds like a misery house especially at Christmas.

Would you be there to see them open their presents or would thye have to wait for you to arrive ?

BarbarianMum Thu 17-Nov-16 10:33:41

I'd stay "sorry that doesn't work for us" and talk to them to arrange something that does. When you say "she has planned her Christmas" do you really mean you/your dh has had no input into your bit? That's bonkers.

herbwife Thu 17-Nov-16 10:40:17

Presents are planned for day after we get there. Difficult to organise alternative date over Christmas as we're restricted to school holidays and it has to be a few days stay as they live on the opposite side of the country.

herbwife Thu 17-Nov-16 10:46:26

Yes, knew nothing of the plans until I got the email.
I think she has done this because we said she had to run plans past us together (she has previously spoken to DH and I individually and said DH has already agreed and vice versa).

BratFarrarsPony Thu 17-Nov-16 10:49:20

just say oh sorry we have panto tickets for that day, what a shame we cannot come...

ChuckGravestones Thu 17-Nov-16 10:51:31

I'd go back with 'no that doesn't work for us. We'll email you with the days we are free but we will not be sleeping in a separate house to the kids.'

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Thu 17-Nov-16 10:53:26

just tell her you cannot do that because you have Panto tickets, let her rearrange the whole thing and then have another excuse, and another and another

let her waste her time making and remaking arrangements and do what the hell you please!

SmilingButClueless Thu 17-Nov-16 10:57:21

Would your BIL and SIL have room for all of you? If so, talk to them (or get your DH to), arrange to stay there and then tell your MIL that's what is happening.

Or are there any holiday rentals in the area?

I'm more shocked that your MIL has dictated told you that she only wants the children on NYE. That would definitely not be happening if it was me!

LittlePaintBox Thu 17-Nov-16 10:59:05

The truth is you can't go because you've got panto tickets, just tell her that.

Underparmummy Thu 17-Nov-16 10:59:49

Jesus. I would be blunt.

Those sleeping arrangements and dh missing days with the kids aren't f*cking happening. End of.

YANBU - controlling much?!

Holiday rental is a great idea if you can afford one.

Rachel0Greep Thu 17-Nov-16 11:01:05

No. I would hate the thought of not being in the same house as the children, for starters. Not to mention any other complications.
Have your Christmas in the comfort of your own home.

Gottagetmoving Thu 17-Nov-16 11:01:22

Stay at home.

wifeyhun Thu 17-Nov-16 11:02:17

I would not be going and I would be staying at home.

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight Thu 17-Nov-16 11:03:15

Sounds like a fucking nightmare - a five hour train journey back? No way - Christmas is supposed to be about spending time having fun and relaxing.

Have Christmas at home with your DH & DC. Tough on them if your inlaws won't come to you.

girlywhirly Thu 17-Nov-16 11:04:30

YANBU. Who on earth buys panto tickets without consulting people first?

AS for the rest, well it isn't going to work. It would be different if the DC loved staying at their GP's and MIL had run everything past you first and you had agreed. It sounds as though she hasn't really thought any of it through properly for anyone, except herself and FIL.

I think you need to email back as soon as, saying thank you very much for the kind offer, but you have decided to stay at home this year. You are sorry about the panto, but you are sure she can get refund on the seats and the theatre can re sell the tickets; such a shame she didn't think to ask you first!

If MIL gets upset, you can elaborate on the other reasons her plan is impractical, cost and difficulty of train travel, lack of time for DH to see the DC due to staying 30 mins away, and say you would appreciate being asked.

FaFoutis Thu 17-Nov-16 11:05:24

Stay at home.

BertrandRussell Thu 17-Nov-16 11:05:42

They're expecting you to spend Christmas Night in a separate house to your children????????shock!

shopaholic999 Thu 17-Nov-16 11:06:46

What is it with these controlling parents and in laws!

I'll be taking note of all these crazy posts and do the complete opposite when my dc have their own family.

Fwiw, yanbu and stick to your guns about if you don't want to go!

What has your dh said?

Pumpkintopf Thu 17-Nov-16 11:07:10

Send back what convincingliar said. Can they really not share a bedroom for a couple of nights to allow you to sleep in the same house as your children? No way would I be leaving kids there and going 30 mins away to stay somewhere else!

BiddyPop Thu 17-Nov-16 11:07:41

Basic message back:
You already have plans for those days.

Additional arguments for when DMIL phones and cries -
Your DH wants to spend time with his DCs and misses them.

You will be staying with your DCs, and those arrangements aren't suitable now that they are getting older.

You cannot facilitate the travels involved.

But I agree - Hell No to that plan!

5moreminutes Thu 17-Nov-16 11:15:23

I agree panto tickets are all you have to mention - they are expensive and non refundable.

My mum proposes plans like these which seem wonderful inside her head - thankfully she runs them past me before she sees them as set in stone though!

herbwife Thu 17-Nov-16 11:17:22

Knowing MIL she'd just say " come over after the panto". Don't think BIL would have room for all of us. Couldn't afford holiday let, PIL live in a very expensive area.

Ugh I sound like such a whinerblush

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