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(4 Posts)
Battendownthehatches Wed 16-Nov-16 23:51:13

My mum has a terminal illness, the doctors have said she could have a year or 2. There is only my sister and I and my dad (mum and dad are separated but are on friendly terms, but my dad doesn't keep that well himself).

Now a bit of a background, I love my mum, dad and sister but I'm not close to them, never have been. It's always been the 3 of them, it's me who has distanced myself from them (mum and dad were/are alcoholics).

I was devestated when my mum was diagnosed with her illness, but my world didn't stop like it did for my sister.
I have been going down to see mum everyday making her lunch and I usually sit for about 3 hours and my sister goes to see her after work to take her dinner.
I am a foster carer so I am at home when the children (my own and FC) are at school.

Going down everyday is starting to take its toll on me and the past couple of weeks there would be one day a week when I wouldn't go down. At the weekend, I didn't go down on Saturday because I was at a training course then I was going out for dinner, however, I became ill on Saturday early evening, and was still ill on Sunday so I didn't manage down at the weekend at all.

The hassle I received from my sister IMO was ridiculous. She started going on about how she knows I have no time for any of them, it's terrible that I don't go down everyday, if I can't manage down during the day I should go down at night.
Although mum has a terminal illness, she can actually manage the odd day here and there herself and even my dad has said she doesn't need someone to go down everyday BUT he won't say this to my sister to keep the peace.

Because I'm going down everyday the housework is slipping, the kids aren't getting the most nutritious dinners most days. At the weekends I go down later afternoon/early evening so can't plan to do anything with the children. I think my sister thinks I just sit on my arse everyday and do nothing (I do sometimes do this but not all the time).

DSis just doesn't get that my "job" can be stressful sometimes, that I have to keep my house up to a certain standard. Once I've dropped the kids off at school it's back to the house to clean up the breakfast dishes, take the dogs out, grab a quick breakfast for myself then it's down to see mum, by the time I leave her it's back home to take the dogs out again, then it's time to get the kids, take them to their clubs, then home to make shitty dinners for them. Sometimes the only thing I get to eat is a yogurt in the morning and I dint get to eat anything until later in the evening.

I hate confrontation with family members and I'm trying so hard to keep everything together for my mums sake, and also because Christmas is coming up and we will all be spending it together and I just can't be bothered with the agro.

So is it me. Am I the one being unreasonable?

MommaGee Thu 17-Nov-16 00:18:34

YNBU and I'm guessing your sister is taking her stress out on your rather than actually thinking you don't do enough.

I'm sorry you have this happening to your mom but as a foster carer more so than as a biological mom, you do need to find some balance.

If you're taking mom lunch can you not eat with her? Can the kiddies come with you of a weekend? Is she able to heat up a dinner in a microwave? Just thinking if you and did could alternate days so did goes and takes dinner lunch dinner (in fridge to reheat) then you take lunch dinner lunch OT might ease pressure off you both.
Without sounding harsh, your mom could (hopefully) have several years ahead and ots no good you and did being so emotionally and physically exhausted towards the end that you're no use to her
Sending love

Battendownthehatches Thu 17-Nov-16 00:40:35

Thanks MommaGee

My mum is a very very heavy smoker, I'm not allowed to take FC into her home, and there is no way she wouldn't smoke when the children are there (her attitude is it's her house she will do what she wants which is fair enough), I also won't eat in her house, IT IS DISGUSTING. It actually needs a cleaning firm in to clean it and that's something I just can't afford.

My sister works during the day so she can't do afternoons, my DH works and doesn't come home until 7pm at night no because I can't take the children to my mums I don't have anyone to look after them. For me to go down after 7pm at night to take down dinnerwould be no good to my mum.

LetsAllEatCakes Thu 17-Nov-16 07:49:07

Yanbu. Your sister is lashing out in anger and grief at you. You need boundries in place. While of course you will be diverting lots of time for your mum, equally you and your family need time too.

I'd suggest that you take a step back from your sister. I'm not sure how best to explain this to her but I'm sure someone will have good advice for you.

You may be best getting this moved to relationships though since you certainly aren't being unreasonable and you could probably get a lot of advice there.

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