To feel like running away and getting away from all this crap(9 Posts)
This is a long one so I appreciate anyone who gets to the end.
Ex left me for OW before Dd was born. He took all the furniture and some baby stuff, he even took the food from the cupboards when he left just because he had paid for them.
He came to see Dd twice on his paternity leave and both times he came and had me take loads of photos of him holding her and her in different outfits for his social media accounts. Then he held her for about a minute and said his back hurt and shoved her back in her moses basket. He spent both those visits trying it on with me days after I had given birth and when I knocked him back he left shortly after.
He spent the rest of his paternity leave going on day trips with the OW and he was even too busy to come and register Dd with me. I needed to register her to claim benefits (alongside my SMP) and couldn't afford to wait around for him to come with me so I did it alone and he isn't on her birth certificate.
All I got was messages full of abuse for weeks after Dd was born so I blocked his number and told him to only contact me via email, letter or call my landline.
I used to ring him weekly to arrange contact with Dd and all I got was abuse. He said by law he had to have my mobile number and refused to contact me through any other way.
I didn't budge so he got into my emails and into my social media and changed all my passwords and found my number out. He said he had gathered loads of 'evidence' that I was a bad mum and would use it against me in court. His evidence was an ex messaging me asking how I was which meant I had loads of men in and out of Dd's life and because I had to take a loan out to replace all the stuff he had taken so that meant I was financially unstable. He also said I was mental because I suffer anxiety and said he suffered domestic violence because I threw a lantern at him the second time I found out he was cheating. Obviously not good but it was the only time I had ever done anything like that. He was EA throughout and made me feel worthless and for a long time I had plans to kill myself once Dd was born. Once she arrived and he had gone I didn't feel the same and saw him for what he really was.
I used to phone him every week to ask him to come see Dd and he would rarely answer so I would leave messages. When he did answer all he was bothered about was money I apparently owed him for the time he lived with me. He wanted reimbursing for bills and rent and anything he had paid half towards. He refused to pay CM and then started accusing me of cheating on him and saying Dd wasn't his.
This went on for 9 months and he sent me a letter stating the amount of contact he wanted and if I didn't comply he would be taking me to court and had been advised he had a strong case against me. He said he would be guaranteed at least 50% access, probably more.
I went to see a solicitor who said to arrange contact at soft play with him for a few weeks and then let him have her a few hours with his mum to supervise him and build it up from there. We met at soft play once and then I let him have her a few hours a week after this.
He introduced OW straight away and has never had one on one time with Dd. He sees contact as a couple thing they do together.
He worked weekends and got days off during the week and he never knew his rota so every week I had to wait for him to decide when he could have her and he usually asked the day before and I rarely said no. I would rearrange my life to suit him. He only had Dd for 3 hours twice a week because of his work hours. He wanted me to pay to put Dd in nursery whilst I worked and then take her out randomly when it suited him and I refused to do this.
This contact went on for about 18 months and he eventually he got a new mon to fri, 9-5 job, got a house with OW, had a few holidays etc and then decided he wanted more time with Dd. We agreed on EOW sat 12-7, sun 10-7 with no overnights and then he also had her the sun in between 10-7 so I get hardly any leisure time her. He has recently started having overnights so it's sat 12 until sun 7 EOW and sun 10-7 the weeks in between. He says he can't have her during the week because of work.
During this time him and OW were trying to get Dd to call her mummy. He buys her cards from Dd with mummy on them and made a big deal about her on Mother's Day and I got nothing. They say to Dd that they are her proper family because they are a mummy and daddy and that I'm not her family. He thinks Dd won't come home and tell me these things and when she does he basically calls her a liar.
For the past few months we have got on fine and he even told me what a good mum I was and how well Dd was brought up and what a good job I was doing.
He then split up with OW briefly (he cheated on her) and since then he has started sending me horrible messages and trying to cause trouble over nothing.
My mum died a month ago and he has given me more stress and grief in the past month than the whole year combined. He has been a nightmare and totally taken advantage of my vulnerable mental state. Every week he has something to say and calls me a bad mum for this and that. Told me I barely let him see Dd and how disgusting everyone says I am.
There are loads of other things that I can't be bothered to list (have posted about on here though) but this is the latest:
He took Dd to a party whilst I was visiting my mum in hospital and invited all her friends to his party that he has booked the day before mine. He knew mine was booked months ago and that her nursery friends are the only children going. He has nothing to with nursery and did this so no one would turn up to mine.
Luckily two of them mums thought it was a bit odd and asked me about it. One of the other mums works at the nursery and he handed her a pile of invitations to hand out to Dd's nursery friends and she asked me about it before handing them out and they weren't handed out.
He text me this morning gloating at the fact a friend of Dd's was going to his party and not mine. Then proceeded to tell me I was petty and pathetic when I told him what a knob he was.
He said I use Dd as a weapon (have no idea what he is talking about as I always put her best interests first) and that he would have to consider taking me to court for joint custody if I carried on. Used his old favourite line of courts now favour fathers and that he will get at least 50/50. I asked if it was so easy to obtain then why are there hardly any fathers granted it? Fathers who have never abandoned their children and have been there 100% from day one struggle to get it so not sure how he thinks he will get it. He called me deluded and said I needed my head testing.
I lost my cool and told him to go for it. I said I was fed up of his crap and that he wasn't seeing Dd anymore until he takes me to court.
I am just angry at this moment but I know I won't stop Dd seeing her dad as it isn't fair on her and it makes me feel sick to think about doing that to her but I am fed up of his threats. I have never threatened it before.
I am not in a good place right now with losing my mum and I don't need all this. I am sick of my life and all the shit that I have to put up with. I always have to rise above and be the better person or I have to soldier on for Dd and I can't do it much longer. I feel like I am unravelling.
I really want to pack up and fuck off somewhere far away and leave all this behind
On a side note: what will happen if he does take me to court? How long will it take etc. Please can anyone with experience talk me through it all so if he goes through with his threats I know what to expect?
I have no practical advice but couldn't just read and run.
Your ex sounds like an utter bellend. Leaves you for another woman, then proceeds to make your life a living hell? I know you said he cheated before but did you have any sign of his character before he left?
I would get to a doctor. I expect the stress of all this is going to weigh you down, with the passing of your mother and Ex-knobhead piling this on top. I think even the strongest amongst us would need to ask for a little help. He sounds abusive and horrible.
In regards to court, keep everything documented. Texts, emails, events. So that if he does try and go for joint custody (which tbh I doubt he will, he just seems to love terrorising you) at least you'll be able to show the emotional trauma he's putting you through.
Alot of love and hugs xx
He sounds like an absolute arsehole. Luckily this seems to be ingrained behaviour and will come across in court if he goes through with it. Judges tend to have very little time for people who are trying to use the court system to bolster their own self-esteem so he won't come out of it well.
MadJeff is right about keeping anything he sends in writing - document anything verbal as well - and yes, go and see your GP if it's all getting to be too much, they may be able to help you manage the physical anxiety which at least will free up some of your energy.
Oh my love im so sorry you're going through this. He is an utter, utter cunt.
There are elements of his behaviour that are similar to my H - they both seem to deflect and project their poor behaviour on to the women they so badly let down, as they are simply too emotionally immature to take responsibility for their actions.
Unfortunately I am at a loss as to what can be done about this. I too have felt like running away.
In the unlikely event this gets to court, they will see him for what he is.
I am absolutely raging on your behalf op!!
I'm sorry I can't really advise you, hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along soon. In your position I would be wanting to run away too.
I am sorry you are going through this.
On a practical level do you keep the abusive texts? You can go to a solicitor who will pen an official looking letter for you stating what you will and won't accept from him from now on in and setting out contact agreements. The letter my DSIS had said something along the lines of if this is unacceptable please go and get your own advice etc. The letter itself means nothing but can be enough for him to rethink his behaviour. The examples you give which he says he will use is nothing. Especially since in one of them, he illegally accessed your information in order to gather the said evidence.
in my sisters case this was enough to stop the threats which turned out to be pretty empty.
He is still being EA to you. He is talking rubbish about mobile phones and law etc but yet he clearly thinks he can and will get away with treating you like this. You need to find a way to stand up to him and get your control back. Let him rattle his own cage.
I am sorry that this arsehole is not giving you time to grieve.
Sweetheart this guy is full of shit. Make no more concessions to him. Stick to your guns and let him take you to court. You have tried to act in the best interests of your DD and he is taking the piss. Block him and ignore. Build up your strength and stop accomodating him. You owe him nothing.
There's not a chance he's going to take you to court. He's full of shit. What a dickhead. Tell him to do one.
He's a twat. If you can afford it, talk to a solicitor, if not Citizens Advice. Emotional Abuse is currently a hot topic, you may be able to get some form of action against him.
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