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DH thinks IABU for saying I won't apologise to next door

(63 Posts)
Tarla Wed 16-Nov-16 14:26:01

DS had a meltdown yesterday afternoon shortly after dinner. I know exactly what triggered it and was able to calm him down fairly quickly so it was loud while it lasted but was over within fifteen minutes.

At the time it happened, next door were doing DIY, lots of drilling and hammering. It's not an issue, it was only 5pm. The noise from the DIY wasn't the trigger for the meltdown, the DIY couldn't be heard from the area of the house DS was in but he did move to the other side of the house during it, to the side that has the shared wall.

DH has been on at me today saying that I need to knock on next door and apologise for the noise from DS having a meltdown, he's told me to get them a box of biscuits or something. I've said I'm not knocking or going out of my way to bring gifts but if I see them in passing I'll mention that I hope DS didn't bother them. They know DS is being assessed for ASD and that he sometimes has meltdowns. I've knocked in the past if he's had one in the small hours (he had a 3am corker not long after we moved in) but it's rare he has them at that time of day and when we've spoken to them they've been fine, said they know he isn't doing it on purpose and that we're doing our best. Last night was 5pm, short lived and they were doing DIY anyway so already lots of banging and crashing, I really don't think DS disturbed them. I also don't think I should apologise every single time he has a meltdown, only for exceptional ones like the 3am one.

Which of us is BU?

SpookyPotato Wed 16-Nov-16 14:28:26

He is, it was 5pm and they were doing DIY anyway!

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst Wed 16-Nov-16 14:28:48


If you apologise for noise then so should they. Don't see any reason to give biscuits, etc.

Elland Wed 16-Nov-16 14:29:11

I don't think you need to apologise for a child having a 15 minute meltdown at 5pm regardless of them doing DIY - you sound like you know exactly when it's appropriate to apologise and when it's not needed, so to summarise, your OH is BU.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 16-Nov-16 14:29:17

Was your DH there when the meltdown happened?
If so, and he wants an apology to the neighbours, why isn't he round there apologising?
Seems very odd to me.
Why do YOU have to do it?
At 5pm with DIY being done by them... NO, no apology is needed.

Tarla Wed 16-Nov-16 14:31:43

DH was at work (funnily enough, the trigger was him getting stuck late at work!), I get the job of apologising because I was there hmm I'm going to text him and crow a bit about him being the unreasonable one I'm mature like that

Devilishpyjamas Wed 16-Nov-16 14:32:11

Your dh is being ridiculous

KoalaDownUnder Wed 16-Nov-16 14:32:28


If I was your neighbour, I would neither want nor expect an apology for that. You've explained the situation, they know what's going on.

Captainladder Wed 16-Nov-16 14:33:22

He is. It wasn't late, they were doing DIY, you calmed down DS really quickly... (mine waiting for ASD diagnosis and often has loud meltdowns. Have never thought I needed to explain myself to next door.)

I don't think you should have to apologise for your DS.


ConvincingLiar Wed 16-Nov-16 14:33:37

Doesn't warrant an apology, less still biscuits.

AllTheBabies Wed 16-Nov-16 14:33:59

He's being utterly ridiculous!

Tarla Wed 16-Nov-16 14:34:25

We used to have really shitty neighbours at an old house so DH gets a bit paranoid about neighbourly interactions.

BertrandRussell Wed 16-Nov-16 14:36:37

I think, actually, if I were the neighbour, I'd be a bit upset that you thought I was unreasonable enough to need apologizing to for a 5.00pm tantrum........

Tarla Wed 16-Nov-16 14:38:05

Yeah, if it was the other way around I'd be wondering why my neighbour was on my doorstep with biscuits to apologise for it.

ErrolTheDragon Wed 16-Nov-16 14:39:33

YANBU, and if your DH still thinks otherwise, regardless of whether he was there at the time or not then he should do it.

Soubriquet Wed 16-Nov-16 14:39:57

How ridiculous

It was 5pm, there was DIY noise anyway and your ds was calmed down within 15 mins

Now if it was 5am, an apology would have been a nice thought but 5pm?! No way


Losingtheplod Wed 16-Nov-16 14:41:41

I think if you apologised for this your neighbours would think you'd lost it. You have no reason at all to think you have upset them, so no need for an apology!

AmysTiara Wed 16-Nov-16 14:42:09

Your DH is being ridiculous. Tell him to go and apologise if he's so concerned.

harderandharder2breathe Wed 16-Nov-16 14:44:06


It was 5pm and short lived and they were making noise themselves (so not trying to nap or watch tv or anything).

Rachel0Greep Wed 16-Nov-16 14:45:52

Not at all. If that was the case our neighbours owe us years of biscuits. grin
brew for you.

CheshireChat Wed 16-Nov-16 14:49:07

It's entirely possible they never even heard your son over the diy noise. Your husband can do the apologising if he likes.

Skittlesss Wed 16-Nov-16 14:54:29

If any apologies are needed then your husband needs to apologise to you for even suggesting that!

RomanticWalksToTheFridge Wed 16-Nov-16 14:56:50

No, forget it. It willall be fine.

FWIW- about a year or so ago I accidentally locked my dog out of the house when i had to rush DS to A&E. The dog whined and yelped and barked for 9 hours. I got home to multiple messages on my machine from neighbours about the noise (mostly worried because leaving her out is a very unusual thing).

I went around the next day with bottles of wine to everyone. All of them without exception said; 'Don't be silly. We were worried. Glad everything is okay'.

I heart my neighbours.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 16-Nov-16 15:03:41

No, YANBU. As BertrandRussell said, were I your neighbour and you brought biscuits to apologise for this incident, I would wonder just how much of a git you thought I was. An apology where none is merited is more likely to hamper good relations with your neighbour. Your DH needs to get over his paranoia and be happy that your new neighbours are decent people.

YelloDraw Wed 16-Nov-16 15:05:17

Why is it your job to apologies?

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