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To ask you for suggestions to help for friend

(12 Posts)
gillybeanz Tue 15-Nov-16 23:14:16

I know I'm not really.

Friend is in a state and lots of pain.
Has been found capable of work and lost all her benefits, car and is so ill with no money and a 14 year old.
She can't drive child to school anymore, can't even get to shop as can't walk atm. Some days she manages with a stick, others she can't get off the floor, or climb stairs to bed.
I have no idea how they will manage and the effect it will have on them.
I want to help but friend is hard and won't accept help readily, what can I do?
I don't drive so can't help with transport which I know will really affect them.

I thought hamper of food and household stuff, maybe enough dry goods for a few months. I'm not well off and only work pt myself, but could manage this.
Apart from CAB are there any other organisations that could help?

harderandharder2breathe Tue 15-Nov-16 23:32:04

Appeal! She needs to fill out the forms as if they're relating to her worst days. And there's plenty more useful help than me on here, there's at least one thread about helping people claiming PIP

You sound like a really thoughtful friend

Can you go to the shops for her if she gives you the money or you can afford to get her bread and milk etc yourself?

Will she let you help around the house with stuff she finds too difficult? Otherwise it'll likely fall to her daughter

If her daughter is doing a lot for her mum because of this, encourage them to seek support for her as a young carer. I see stuff in my GP surgery about it, or her school is a good place to start. She should let the school know things are difficult so they are aware and can support her if needed

I think just be there and keep her company when you can, make her a cup of tea and bring some biscuits or something, do the dishes ("I'll just tidy up after myself" excuse).

If she doesn't want help, don't take it personally. Keep in touch by phone or text and make sure she knows if she changes her mind she can ask you for anything

gillybeanz Tue 15-Nov-16 23:42:49

Thank you for the ideas.
She won't let me help round the house, she tends to leave everything out that she can, rather than put away in cupboards.
It's all easier for her to reach, she says.
I feel for her dd and having to give up a hobby she loves as it's in another town and the fares wouldn't be cheap.
My dh can do the odd run for them, but couldn't offer the same time every week to be relied upon.

That's great help with getting round her hardness. I know she's quite soft and she'll be breaking her heart and worried sick now, but she'll never show it.
What on earth will they do for money, she'll get a job at somewhere like Poundland but they won't be able to cope with her and she's an insurance nightmare, no one will want to take her on.
How will an employer cope with her screams of pain, her not being able to move, or having to roll on the floor for respite.
I'm so worried for her.

Graphista Tue 15-Nov-16 23:48:07

Welfare rights department usually at local social services office asap

1 to get any financial help she can

2 to get appeal under way as soon as possible

Shelter if there's likely to be issues with rent/mortgage

Possibly her mp may be able to help too.

gillybeanz Wed 16-Nov-16 09:39:16

Thank you.
I'm sure they'll lose their home as it's private rented, I'm so worried for them, it's terrible what this government are doing.
She isn't work shy and lost so many jobs before she was signed off work for good.
She worked in a call centre and used to smash her targets, but couldn't sit for long enough and then the pain became so bad and she was in and out of hospital all the time. She was last admitted in September for 2 weeks.
She's a sp and father has never been involved.
Her parents live abroad and her brothers work ft have own families and no spare room between them.

Just wondered if anyone could think of any work she might be able to do?
It's looking pretty grim from where I stand.
Will the council home them?
I have no experience of anything like this and it's scary just thinking about it, my sympathy to anyone else going through this.

Also wondered if anyone knew of any charities that might help the dd continue attending the youth organisation she is involved with. Something to help with travel.
It's the only thing she does, and wins awards, badges, that type of thing.

Graphista Wed 16-Nov-16 15:21:56

Shelter! They'll honestly help her avoid losing her home, they're not just for after you've become homeless (the sad fact is shelter still having to exist 50 YEARS after Cathy come home sad).

Even IF she were to be evicted for non payment of rent it takes a LONG time and landlords have to go through a lot of hoops! But the law is complicated as it depends on the exact terms of her tenancy.

The youth organisation - contact them directly, most will help if at all possible. Most are also registered charities and have contingencies for situations like this, it might be ax simple as getting a lift from another parent who's child goes.

She's not fit to work, honestly she needs to speak to welfare rights and social services asap, they know their stuff on this as its happening too bloody often

Graphista Wed 16-Nov-16 15:22:51

Social services will also ensure she and daughter get emotional/practical support

Clarinet1 Wed 16-Nov-16 15:42:45

You could see whether they could get a referral to the local food bank - GPs or schools can usually arrange this. Besides offering food to tide them over, some food banks will also have people who can advise on getting benefits reinstated etc.

Graphista Wed 16-Nov-16 16:33:01

Clarinet good idea ours does

gillybeanz Wed 16-Nov-16 21:49:40

Thank you so much for the lovely suggestions.
I went to see her today, she won't let me help much as she's a very proud person, but she is beginning to at least see that her friends want to help and are happy to.
I can't hold this against her as I have no idea how hard it must be to go through this and then have to cope with the level of pain she must have.

Thank you again for the great suggestions, I work at night but can help with the back and to of paperwork and shopping during the day.

Strange thing KCH was on BBC4 on Monday night, I posted but didn't know till late, so got no comments. Even stranger they should be allowed to show it now and advertise you could buy it, as they took it out of public viewing a while back and haven't shown it in years.

friendswithacat Wed 16-Nov-16 21:53:15

Well, the bottom line is you can't if she is refusing all offers of help.

Is the problem with her back?

gillybeanz Wed 16-Nov-16 22:27:51

Yes, she has spondylitis?, Fibro, Arthritis, Asthma, lung damage, depression and anxiety, and severe damage to kidney, she had this anyway but has been on so much medication for 10 years it's made kidney worse. (only has 1.5)
She's a very poorly (young) 32, well to me it's young.

Between me, dh, and another female friend we'll do our best, but it is hard when we know if we push her too hard it will have the reverse effect of not helping at all.

I can't thank you all enough for your help. Have looked for the PIP thread, could somebody link please as can't find/ not sure where to find it.
Many thanks.

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