Christmas is cancelled

[littlepinkfizz]

Hi my 16 year old is a lovely ,innocent looking girl. She does well at school and is mostly fine at home. However she has been lying to us without us even knowing, going out with her friends during the summer,coming home early but it appshe has been taking cannabis and has previously been drunk on several occasions. She denies all to the point that we have doubted ourselves and I have felt guilty. But after staying out all night and refuting tell us where she was she was grounded and pocket money stopped.
She went out to a community youth group that she does volunteer work with as part of her Duke of Ed, She returned home and headed up to her room saying her friend's mum had dropped her home( I had left this girl home the previous week). Later I noticed a small package on the stairs.. herbal cannabis. She eventually confessed that she had arranged herself to meet the dealer and buy it herself . She smoked it but her friend ( a different one ) did not.She says her friends don't do drugs. She does not seem remorseful and we have even offered to get her s counselker to speak to and are waiting to have one get back to us. She said she would speak to one.

I have got her about half of what I usually spend on her and her older sisters for Christmas already, but do not feel that it would be correct to
reward her with what she normally gets due to her recent behaviour.

AIBU?

[EveOnline2016]

Do you think she will sell these items you plan to buy her Christmas to fund her drug and alcohol dependencies.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I would send (and read) that FRANK website so she is completely up to speed (ha!) on the consequences of the drugs she takes.

I would urge some caution about how you react. this is something that most teenage parents will experience. like it or not, cannabis is very common at this age

I think the parallel issue is the lying, and the fact you need to be able to trust her

[littlepinkfizz]

No it's not that... I feel that if she gets lots of things,then I am rewarding her behaviour.

[loopylou6]

That's a majorly tough one, most teens will have a dabble with a bit of weed I think, but it's such a fine line how to deal with it.
I think it's excellent that she was honest with you, and I think withholding her presents may make her resent you and that's when real problems start, at the moment she is communicating with you, and you need to keep that line open.

[JassyRadlett]

Here's the thing for me. Christmas gifts aren't a reward, they're gifts - not given in exchange for a behaviour you like, or a certain job being done, but because you are expressing love.

I can understand how you are feeling, but I think withdrawing or reducing Christmas presents could be a counterproductive way of tackling this, because it could be perceived as withdrawing affection rather than withdrawing reward. And at a time when you don't want her to be more distant from you and putting up barriers that could be a mistake.

If it were, say, February, what sort of approach would you take? I'd do that, and treat Christmas as a standalone thing - a chance for a reset/fresh start where her drug use isn't being held over her all day.

[NoCapes]

Didn't we all dabble in alcohol and weed at that age??
Only difference here is my Mum still doesn't know
I'd be grateful she's telling you tbh

[claraschu]

I don't think Christmas is cancellable. Christmas just happens, and if it is part of your family tradition, I don't see how not observing it would help your daughter in any way.

The things that might help: cutting off her access to funds; making sure she has full and accurate (not exaggerated) information about how damaging cannabis and other drugs can be; counselling to deal with any issues or insecurities that might get her into trouble or make her feel like she needs to self-medicate; trying to be open and encouraging her to confide in you; keeping track of her and setting boundaries which are appropriate to her age; telling her that she can call you at any hour of the day or night if she feels scared or needs help.

If you say: "No Christmas presents" she is not going to stop smoking pot and behave herself because of your punishment, I don't thing. It will just make everyone in your family feel bad, but not really achieve anything.

[brasty]

I think you are over reacting. She will know that you would over react, hence the lying.

[Katinkka]

Don't be silly. Have words by all means but don't go crazy.

[MrsArthurShappey]

Didn't we all dabble in alcohol and weed at that age??
Only difference here is my Mum still doesn't know
I'd be grateful she's telling you tbh

^ this! And I wasn't a wayward teen by any stretch!!

[JennyPocket]

What Claraschu said.

I would keep the two separate and concentrate more on the day to day than what happens on Christmas day. A lot of teenagers will do this, obviously you don't want it to escalate nor give the sense that you condone it (I firmly believe not being hard enough gives teenagers a "mum thinks it's ok really" sense) but don't mix it up with Christmas.

brasty I don't think OP is over reacting, what parent would say "lying/staying out all night refusing to say where/buying drugs directly from dealers" is OK?! Of course any decent parent is going to react negatively to finding that out. DD is lying because she knows it's wrong not because OP will over react.

[BlueFolly]

Cancelling Christmas? Total over reaction.

[Butteredpars1ps]

React with wisdom, not fury. Think about the sort of relationship you want with your Daughter as she becomes a young adult.

You are in a very tough place, but my advice would be to keep a good relationship with her if that's possible, treat her as an adult and hope that she comes through the other side.

I get that you are fuming, with good reason. But there is a risk is that you will push her away (and potentially further into drugs and alcohol). Good Luck.

[mummytofour]

Have a look at the teens section on here, a few of us going through this. I agree don't cancel Christmas but don't give cash!

[winterisnigh]

OP i hate to say but myself and most of my friends from school and from area smoked some weed and got drunk, id say its pretty normal average behavour and I agree the best thing from this is that she has told you, I wouldn't ruin that trust by forcing her underground by punishing her.

[littlepinkfizz]

I don't think I am overreacting or being silly. My daughter was lying and taking drugs. She is only 16 and we are all worried about her.

I do see though that Christmas gifts ARE gifts and not rewards...thanks!

I had an incredibly strict upbringing so never dabbled in anything,hence I am trying to get a balanced view of what is the best approach for her.

FRank is a good idea,thanks

[milliemolliemou]

And the weed some of us might have smoked occasionally is nothing like what's on offer now. BTW all cannabis is herbal unless it's spiked. Can you take her out for Christmas shopping and get her to talk? Can her older sisters? If she agrees to the counsellor great stuff. But I'd say no to cutting her down for presents while yes to no pocket money. And find out what's bothering her.

[winterisnigh]

well Id say you have a pretty balanced view here dont you op?

[winterisnigh]

why is she going to a counsellor?

[Monkeyface26]

I agree with clarashu.

Your daughter has damaged your trust in her. She needs to know that your love, however, is unconditional. This could be a difficult time for her to feel that she has little left to lose. She has dabbled in soft drugs and needs clear messages that you disapprove and are disappointed but she needs to know that the trust can rebuilt. This situation is redeemable. People earn trust and she needs to earn yours back. She doesn't need to earn your love though - perhaps it would help to reassure her of that by spelling out the distinction to her and her siblings?
Also, if she spends Christmas Day feeling sad, angry or hopeless, it is not likely that you or, maybe more importantly, will have a very happy day either, the atmosphere wouldn't be very festive.
It's a really difficult thing to be faced with and you must be very upset and worried but don't say anything in haste that you might want to take back later.

[SweetChickadee]

Yes, sorry, I'm with the others. I was a 'good girl' and yet I got sloshed and smoked fags at 16 without my parent's knowledge.

(not pot though - wouldn't have had the first idea where to get that)

[YuckYuckEwwww]

Christmas is about expressing love, if your daughter is lying to you it's time to build bridges and trust not push her away by witholding Christmas!

[PenguinsandPebbles]

I don't think your overacting either you know your child.

Certainly no dabbling here, my brother on the other hand, "dabbled" got himself into a right old mess and lucky my mum found out about his dabbling and came down on him quite hard. He has admitted if she hadn't he worries were it would have gone.

DP didn't dabble in weed, did dabble with alcohol some rather embarrassing moments :) but not too much harm, his sibling took "dabbling" to the extreme, eventually ended up in rehab and succeeding fair few years clean now but that was after she nearly killed herself, that was after years of hell. That started with harmless dabbling

Yes some kids dabble, some kids get fucked up big time - I have a very low tolerance to any dabbling.

[PenguinsandPebbles]

Sorry hit post too soon

I wouldn't be cancelling Christmas but I'd be thinking hard about the amount of gifts. It's a difficult call to make.

[Atenco]

Your daughter is lying because she thinks that there is no harm in what she is doing and that you are being unreasonable. That was exactly why I lied to my mother some fifty odd years ago.

I am no expert, but among four friends who have raised teenagers, two of us opted for listening to our teenagers, even to the point of hearing things we didn't want to hear and two others opted for disciplining their teenagers. The teenagers of the easy-going parents grew up fine but the other two had a really hard time of it. One lad is in drug-rehab right now and the one sorted herself out eventually but it was hell.