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AIBU - to want to just pay my respects and support my dc in there time of grief?

(14 Posts)
Pandamanda3 Tue 15-Nov-16 11:57:31

Hi MN just need a place to air my feelings today need a hand hold and some advise PLZ.
My FIL well EX-FIL just passed away last night & I just feel absolutely devastated and destroyed by his death and I just don't know what to do.
I was married for 18 years and only just completed our divorce, for half my life I loved and cared for this man he and my MIL they where like parents to me.
He had Alzhiemers for what seemed like years a lifetime of suffering from this bloody awful disease.
I have 2 ds's and as you can imagine they are heart broken, all 3 of us just can't seem to comprehend the loss.

My problem is since I separated from my ex I haven't been allowed to see my ex FIL, MIL, I had my ex arrested for dv and since all that he's not spoken to me but passes threats and all that to me through the kids and in all just torments me.

He gave his mum a bull shit story that she believes about how the police had guns to his head during his arrest which is just not true.
But Iv not been able to give my side of the story, or speak to MIL, if I did she would see a whole different light on what happened and had been happening to cause our marriage to end.

Over the years I developed such a bond with them both I cared for them and supported them everyday and ultimately Iv been the one to sort everything out for him with his care it was a full time job for me but they had come so close to me that Id have done anything I could for them.

They were my world 'my family', as my parents and family all live at the other end of the country.

I really feel sad I couldn't say goodbye or that I won't be able to pay my respects.
He would call me everyday, sometimes he'd honestly drive me in-Sane but in a loveable way.
He would always say to me with a tear in his eye, 'kid the day you gave me these boys' was the best day of my life, you really have given me a gift from God that makes my life complete.
And I just can't explain how much he adored the kids and how much they adored him.

My youngest ds has asd and when he was little my FIL was the only one who seemed to be able to conect with him it was so strange to see, if he wouldn't do something or didn't want to do something he would stamp his feet but if grandad intervened omg then no problem! Because grandad said, they would tinker round for hours chatting away together and he'd see them most days.

Now he's gone, and im desperate to say to him thank you so much for being such a wonderful part my life but it's all too late.
I am not allowed to go to the funeral and my ex dh has also disowned our eldest son so my youngest dc has to go to the funeral with out me or his brother.
Ex stopped speaking to eldest son as he was annoyed he felt he was more on my side helping me, which is just none sence and he knows it. He just constantly looks for things to hurt me and he knows by hurting the kids it will devastate me.

So I just don't know what to do I am going to send flowers and a card and plan to pay my respects after the funeral is over but I don't feel it's enough if you understand me.
I don't know how to support the dc's one being allowed to go to the funeral but then one not they need each other on that awful day and because of my ex it won't be that way.
Any advise please??

goddessofsmallthings Tue 15-Nov-16 12:28:00

How old are your dc and why do you feel that your youngest "has" to go to the funeral?

I would suggest that the three of you spend part of the day commemorating FIL's life, that you send a joint floral tribute to the undertakers, and that you each send heartfelt written condolences to MIL.

Now is not the time to enlighten her about her son's behaviour to you but I have no doubt that, given time, opportunity to do so will present itself.

Cuddlequeen Tue 15-Nov-16 12:28:38

Didn't want to read and run!!! Could you and your boys maybe have a rememberance afternoon for fil rather than one ds attending a funeral? Funerals are always emotionally charged and your ex-h sounds like he wouldn't be the supportive father figure your ds would need for that experience.

alwayshappy101 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:37:15

Could you do a sponsored bake sale/run etc with your dc and donate proceeds to alzhimers charity to honour your fil's memory?

I agree with goddess,that now is not the time to enlighten mil about ex.just send her a wreath and a condolence card,tell her you are always there if she wants to talk.

I hope you and your dc's are ok flowers

SoupDragon Tue 15-Nov-16 12:41:39

I couldn't go to my grandmother's funeral - my youngest was 18 months old and we had no one to look after her. Instead, whilst the rpothers were at the funeral, we went down to the sea (which she loved) and skimmed stones whilst remembering her. There are alternatives to attending the funeral that can be just as meaningful. I do not feel we missed anything and I am sure my grandmother would have approved.

MatildaTheCat Tue 15-Nov-16 12:48:50

My MIL's much loved sister dies recently and she was too frail to attend the funeral. So I stayed with her and at the time of the funeral we lit a candle and arranged some flowers, a crucifix ( v religious) and a lovely photo of her dsis and we sat very quietly and thought about her and her life.

It was actually very moving and nice.

Write to your mil and express your very sincere grief and condolences. Perhaps later you will be able to get some of your side across but now is not the time.

I'd be tempted to encourage your elder ds to stay with you for the funeral but I guess it depends how old he is and his own wishes.

flowers for you.

Pandamanda3 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:57:13

Thanks for replying I appreciate your advise, yes I agree for us to commemorate his life together would be a fitting tribute to him.
And I think we will send a tribute.

My dc's are older tbh 17 & 21 however the youngest isn't mentally 17 if you get me he has learning difficulties and my ex has a huge hold over him still 'not in a good way', so youngest won't say no to him he's sort of dad said type of thing so Iv got to.
He does take advantage of his autism I know he does and will often use his lack of understanding and immaturity to his advantage.

He's a horrible person but my sons are both very well mannered polite boys and so if dad says jump they feel they have too.

The youngest is determined he is going to the funeral he feels it's something he must do which is fine I understand and support him with that. It's just I hate that his brother can't be their with him too you know just to support him as funerals are never easy are they! Especially given the situation.

Your right my ex wouldn't be a supportive figure he's very selfish in that respect and has a lack of understanding about dc's difficulties so for me it's just all driving me crazy as I just want to be with them both and wish we could all be together for each other not one goes one doesnt.

and the worst thing is if his dad had of been aware of what was going on it simple wouldn't have been, because he would have deffinatly pulled my ex into line. The boys always say this wouldn't be like this if grandad was here.
He really was the boss head of the family so to speek he would have gone mad that the ex has ignored disowned my eldest son. It's so sad it really is.

Thanks again for your thoughts it really helps to just have a place to offload.

ZippyNeedsFeeding Tue 15-Nov-16 13:36:30

Is the funeral in a church? If it is, then a phone call to the priest/vicar/minister may be helpful. They might help you to sneak in at the back where you won't be seen, or have some helpful advice. This must be a pretty common situation. Most of the clergy that I know take a fairly dim view of preventing anyone from attending services. I once went to a funeral where the deceased had been shot dead and the person who did it was there- it was uncomfortable but the priest was very clear that everyone had the right to attend.

If it's at a crematorium, they must also be fairly used to this and may offer suggestions so that you can say your goodbyes. Do you know the name of the funeral director?

Even if you can't be part of the official funeral, you can still do something meaningful . Writing a letter seems like a good idea and perhaps making a donation to a charity in his name.

Pandamanda3 Tue 15-Nov-16 13:57:45

Hi zippy yes it will be in a church, they are Catholic and will have a burial, my son has said that they have made arrangements with the undertaker so I may see where that is & send my tribute there.

I understand it would be frowned upon for me to attend & I would never impose on them by going it's just so difficult when one child can say goodbye but the other can't so as other posters have said I'll make our own day for him.

And yes you've gave me an idea that I never though of like that maybe I could speak to the priest and can go and say goodbye before the service starts then I won't be imposing on anybody.

Thanks for your helpful thoughts much appreciated.

CheesyWeez Tue 15-Nov-16 13:59:11

Panda, you could write to your MIL. She will be receiving lots of cards and letters at the moment. You can just talk about your FiL, how you loved him, and will miss him, you're sad not to have been with him at the end, (all the things you said here) and that you hope she is doing okay. No need to mention anyone else. Get lots of pieces of paper and write and rewrite the letter until you're happy with it, and send it in a card.

Just to be clear, who is not allowing you to go to the funeral? Is there a legal reason you're not allowed to see the others? Otherwise Zippy is right, they can't stop you from going. You don't need an invitation to attend a funeral - some families wouldn't even know some of the people who would want to attend, if they're people who knew him from a long time go. That's why the date is published in the paper.
I understand though that you wouldn't want to go if it will cause a fuss. If you don't want to go, then that is very understandable. Funerals are about you paying your respects to the person who's died, and you can do that by remembering him in another way, as PP have suggested.

CheesyWeez Tue 15-Nov-16 14:03:38

Sorry X-posted, I type too slowly. Zippy had a good idea. You could also possibly see him at the funeral director's, to say goodbye. It will be very quiet and dignified there. You should be able to make an appointment to see your FiL (with your child(ren) at a time when your ex won't be there.
This is how it happens in my part of the country, anyway...

Pandamanda3 Tue 15-Nov-16 14:11:10

Hi cheezy
Yes im going to do that, like you said its dignified and I can assure im not imposing on them all.
It's my ex-dh who states I can't attend, he knows how close I was to his dad so to him it twists the knife of revenge that bit deeper. He knows full well I will be devastated at the loss of his df and the man Is truly that nasty it will make his day.

Id never stop anybody in that respect paying your respects is paying your respects and it should just be about that but he doesn't think like the rest of the world he thinks about himself and him only x

goddessofsmallthings Tue 15-Nov-16 15:28:41

the man Is truly that nasty it will make his day

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction, and more particularly because he will most probably present your own and your eldest ds's absence to your MIL and others in a way that suggests that you have no feelings for FIL.

While I appreciate that it may take some courage on your part, I suggest you go with your eldest dc, wait until the mourners have entered the church before taking seats at the back of the congregation, and leave as soon as the service is over - i.e. before the coffin is taken to the grave.

What would your ex do if you act on this advice? Make a scene at his father's funeral and show himself up? I think not. He's a bully and, ime, inside every bully is an abject coward.

flowers I am so very sorry for your loss but please find comfort in knowing that your FIL will always be in your heart and you will always be in his.

Pandamanda3 Tue 15-Nov-16 17:48:11

Hi goddessofsmallthings

Thank you for your kind words and advise, Iv sat here today thinking of nothing else. What to do when? how? it's truely driving me mad.

To be honest and I am being really honest although Id love to just go and pop myself in the back I wouldn't have the courage.
He's unpredictable 'well no predictable to be fair in that either him or his brother would think nothing of having me removed.

There extreamly threatening and nasty and so they wouldn't need to do much for me to see what would become of me if I stayed.
So it's something I think we will need to live with and I am comforted to think I can go to his grave when ever I like to pay my respects.

I guess this ontop of the divorce and all the things he's done have really set me back 'as you'de think you really do know someone after 18years but this has taught me that you never really do know anybody.

I would never have dreamed that he'd ignore one son but not the other and cause all the misery to our boys that he has, I would have laughed if somebody had said prior 'he's capable of that!
So Iv been living on a knifes edge just waiting to see what's next because he doesn't seem to stop.

How any man can do what he has to us, I just don't understand it I never will.

My concern now is to try and make sure my boys are able to process it all and deal with their grief then im going to do something the 3 of us together which is how it should be. My youngest DC has just gone with df now, dads been calling him all day to see how he was but hasn't even spoken to our other son, he really hasn't done a thing wrong. My eldest had to text dad the other day to ask permission to go say goodbye to his grandad and he was told u can go & see him between 9-12 and then some snotty comment below, as my eldest had also said in his text he loves them all and just wants to stop fighting and be their for his brother and u dad!
But the reply back as I say was your brother will be fine he's got support around him from his family!

How horrible, can one man be? He met with my mil who assumed he'd just not bothered to visit until he explained im not allowed she was discusted to say the least as df hadn't told her he just said he Prob can't be a...d visiting.

I think that gives you the picture of how shit he has been, his df God bless his sole was the complete opposite a true gent!

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