to be fed up at another visit from the in-laws?(198 Posts)
My in laws live in Ireland and they left yesterday after a four night visit. Just before they left they booked more flights for 8th Dec to come for another five nights. I know they want to see their son (my DH) and their grandchildren (my DSCs) but its wearing me out. We only have three bedrooms so when they come, they have to be given our room. There is seven of us in the house when they are here as, understandably they want to come when the DSCs are also visiting. They are lovely people and I like them very much but I don't sleep well on the lilo in the lounge and I'm finding the planning, shopping and cooking for 7 people really hard. I'm a teacher so need to also try to work at home but with only a kitchen diner, lounge and three beds, its impossible when they're here and anyway I feel like all I do is prepare food with brief breaks. I can't ask them to sleep on the lilo as my mum in law has bad back and father in law is 6 foot 4 and about 25 stone and anyway they sleep so long every morning (11.30 ish) that they would be in the way in the lounge. They go to bed correspondingly late too. I did think of maybe putting the kids all in one room but my son is 13, DSS 9 and DSD 11 and its not really appropriate for them all to be in the same room. My DH is worried in particular that his DD shouldn't share with my DS. Just feeling really fed up. Have also posted on the meals page to get food ideas!
Why is all the planning, shopping and cooking down to you, when it's your husband's parents who are visiting?
The solution is to have them stay in accommodation nearby. How easy will it be to divert them there now you've had them to stay? I think your points could be put to your husband who will have to tell his parents that your family home and family life cannot sustain guests overnight.
I would step back from being the leader of the group. Make sure that the cupboards are stocked enough for meals to be made by others but there's nothing stopping them from going out for dinner or ordering a takeaway. Is there somewhere else you can work? Perhaps stay later at work or go to a nice cafe & get some work done. Set a side an evening or two for you to do what you normally do. If they are coming quite refuting think you need to lose the guest title & allow/ask them to muck in. You also need to look at perhaps getting something better to sleep on. A sofa bed for the lounge?
I was going to say the same thing: Why isn't your DH doing more?
However, that doesn't help with the basic logisitics of too many people in the house, which sounds like 80% of the problem.
The only answer is less visits or staying in a hotel. Would DH break the news?
No no no ! That's really selfish! My mil would be doing some cooking at least if they were here for that long, and surely the next visit they can stay in a b&b ?
Presumably if they stay up late and you're kipping in the lounge, you don't even get to retire to your lilo until quite late! That's a bit shit when you're a teacher and need your wits about you. Is there a spare bed in DSD's room you could commander? Also, definitely get DH and in-laws mucking in a bit more.
I feel your pain. I live in Ireland with English dh. His parents come every few months to visit their son and dgc. In fact they are arriving this Thursday for a 5 night visit. We have similar set up 3 kids 3 bedrooms so when they come they take our bed and me and dh are on the sofa bed. Neither of us sleep that well on it but it is what it is. Yes it means more work, more people, more dinners, more chaos but my kids love having them here. My dh misses them and his friends back in blighty while I have all mine around me. So imo it is a small price to pay. I know if it is was me living in England I'd want my parents and friends over all the time.
We tried having them stay at my parents before but tbh it was more hassle they'd no car so me dh or my parents had to bring them down bring them back etc. Defo speak to your dh about sharing the load with cooking etc but you knew where they lived and that they'd want visit when you married your dh so I think you just have to suck it up.
They sound like massive pains the arse - your DH might well be uncomfortable with his DD sharing, but he should be bloody well sorting something out for EVERYONEs comfort.
This is the classic 'wife work' scenario with 2 selfish house guests, and I would be telling you DH to pull his finger out
Why is all the planning, shopping and cooking down to you, when it's your husband's parents who are visiting?
Exactly what I was going to ask.
make sure you go out some evenings so you don't get dragged in. Shops will be open late for Christmas shopping with you DD and I would organised dinner out with my friends too.
Why is your husband being so weird about your son and his daughter sharing a room for a few days? What on earth does he think will happen? My kids have shared with opposite sex cousins and family friends when we visit someone or have visitors; if they are comfortable with it then I don't see the issue for a couple of nights.
I think the visits are too close together. 8th Dec is only a couple of weekends away. You need to tell dh that it is hard work for you but you do like having them, and also to plan together when would be a convenient time for them to come back. Particularly in school holidays I would say, half terms, Easter etc. I think your dh needs to do a wee bit more as it seems like it's not inconvenient enough that he's saying, "It's a bit soon to come back in a couple of weekends." I would say he can cook at least a couple of the main meals at the weekends.
DH hates cooking (and anything connected with it) but yes its a bone of contention that he doesn't do more. If I ask him to do something specific, he will do it but won't take any initiative and does so with pretty bad grace. My MIL will do all the cleaning up etc and would, for eg peel the potatoes if I ask but I can't see her cooking for 7... she dislikes cooking as well. I would love to do the hotel option only they wouldn't be able to afford it...they are in a lot of debt so we would have to pay and coming up to Christmas its just not an option. We are meant to be getting an extension next year so will have a spare room then which will help a bit. Yes we don't get to go to bed until late and its cold and uncomfortable on the lilo anyway. I think you are right I need to step back a bit and not accept all the responsibility but its hard, DH works late and has a stressful job and gets tired too. I've said to DH, we're going to need to get takeaway one night but he doesn't want to pay for takeaway for 7. He did pay for a meal out this time which was expensive (they paid a bit too) but it just doesn't enter his head that he could plan and shop and cook. The more I type this, the more of a mug I feel. FIL has just texted though to thank me again and tell me I'm one in a million. To be fair, I only work 4 days a week atm but that's still pretty full on as a teacher.
OP you have my sympathy. As others have said to resolve
1. Suggest they stay in a hotel or Air B&B. Perhaps you could contribute something towards the cost if they can't afford it?
2. If your DH or they won't agree to the above then the kids need to share so you two get a room. Giving you somewhere to sleep/work reasonable. I don't understand the issue your DH has with the DCs sharing a room for a few nights! Surely they can get dressed/undressed in the bathroom or bedroom when the others are not in the room and they will sleep in pyjamas?
3. Your DH needs to step up! I don't agree that as it's his parents it all comes to him, you are a partnership. However he should be supporting you in your concerns and he should be the one to communicate to them the the previous visit can't be the norm. He also needs to help with cooking/cleaning/hosting etc. Even if your job didn't involve work at home it's still unfair.
You've mentioned they're back soon after a previous visit. Was this agreed with you and if so could you not have declined the visit until early next year or was it agreed between the three of them? What about Christmas, are they likely to want to return then for another visit? You need to create a "new norm" for everyone involved
Short term. I'd stick kids into one room. 5 nights won't kill them. Have the other room yourself. Or get a sofa bed, let dh sleep on sofabed and you sleep with dsd in her room.
Could your inlaws or DH not cook dinner etc? Like Worra said, why is it all down to you. They must see how busy you are.
Couldn't the boys share a room with your husband and you share a room with your step daughter?
Sorry x-posted with you OP. Are there any cheap Group on etc deals you could take advantage of to reduce going out for dinner costs? Lots of take sways near me so offers on certain days i.e. 2 for 1 main courses this would reduce the cost of eating in if eating out one nigh is too expensive
Have you looked into Air BNB as a cheaper cost to a hotel? Could they even stay there for part of the visit so it's not as many days?
I think maybe the problem with DSD in same room as my DS is more that DH is worried she will mention it to her mum who will have a go at him but partly he doesn't want to inconvenience his daughter too and I do feel that its me he feels most able to inconvenience in all this. I know he feels bad about the strain on me. Yes I do think I need to plan stuff to get me out of the house. They would feel shocked I think if they were discouraged from coming...I have been trying my best to appear to be taking it all in my stride and make sure they have lovely time. MIL knows its tiring for me and does try to help but FIL is oblivious and is always the one to book the flights. Its an odd marriage in some ways, he does pretty much what he likes and she doesn't really stand up to him. I am sucking it up Dulra... I was happy to have them every few months and never put them off. I knew the situation but its just getting a bit too often these days!
I think you need to raise with ILs the issues.
Maybe an emails starting 'we really love having you'
But then with 'we are trying to work out how we can arrange the visits better so we all stay well rested and able to work and go to school etc. As we'd love them to carry on as frequently as they are.
At the moment it is a bit of a struggle with my working basically full time and then the lack of sleep. We are trying to work out of the kids could share and you can go into one of their rooms or we can find a lovely B and B for you.
If you've got any suggestions it would be really fab. '
Wait a minute, have I got this right?
People should only plan and cook meals for the family, if they actually like cooking?
In that case you need to develop and overnight dislike of cooking and join the lazy fuckers.
I don't particularly like hoovering the carpet/cleaning the cooker/scrubbing the loo/changing the beds/doing the laundry.
But shit happens. It's part of adult life and one that your DH needs to jump on board with, if he wants his parents to visit.
Also, I'd stick all the kids in together too.
Stop cooking and running around after them - tell them you've some end of term marking to do and disappear upstairs or to a cafe or the library (if you still have one) or something.
Your DH and the inlaws may not like to cook but that's not the same as not being able to cook. And if your DH holds down a responsible job I'm sure if he puts his mind to it he could get the hang of cleaning and meal preparation - just hand the baton to him and don't rescue him.
Its an odd marriage in some ways, he does pretty much what he likes and she doesn't really stand up to him.
Does it sound anything like your own marriage perchance?
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