11year old lying

[SarahJane333]

Up until two months ago dd was great, excellent at school, lovely all round. Hormones seem to have kicked in and her attitude is going down hill. The biggest issue if that she seems to be constantly lying! Stupid things like saying she didn't have some make up on when she clearly did and not admitting it for ages (no big deal it was a weekend and she wasnt going anywhere, she had just been experiementing) lying about going to bed at a certain time, lying about something her and a friend did. This morning I've just found out she has lied about sending a text. I can deal with the mood swings, etc but I desperately want to nip this lying in the bud. Aibu to go ballistic, cancel her friend coming over at the weekend, take all electronics off her and cancel a guides camping trip she's due to go on. This is the fourth incident of lying in the last week. Is this normal?

[luckylucky24]

Sounds normal to me. I think your punishments sound too severe. Maybe cancel the friend or remove electronics. I think too much will just make her behaviour worse.

[jayisforjessica]

If you go the nuclear route now, where will you go if the behavior worsens?

Just pick one punishment to start with, now. Make it clear it's about the lying. If she continues the behavior then you do another, and make it clear what that's about too. All three things at once is overkill.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I would pick your battles.
Make up, going to bed I would not be so bothered about.
Focus on the important stuff do you know where she is and who she is with.

[Nataleejah]

You seem overreacting over such petty things

[Scooby20]

Lying about wearing make up, bedtime and what yiu did with your friends sounds fairly normal I know I did that.

The text one depends on the context. Tbh at this point I would be having a serious discussion about why lying is a bad idea. namely because it doesn't take long to get labelled as a liar and then people don't trust anything you say.

I wouldn't be going ballistic or handing out severe punishments at this point but I would make clear punishments will start if the lying continues.

[SarahJane333]

Thanks for your thoughts. I don't mind her wearing make up at weekends or staying uk late, etc. It's the lying I have issues with. I'm very chilled out as a parent so I'm really surprised that the consensus is that I'm overreacting. So what would you do? Just pretend you didn't know she was lying? I'm worried this wall escalate as she gets older to a point where she thinks she can just say/do anything. I gave her a small punishment on each of the other three occasions she was lying and it clearly hasn't worked.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

I don't think you're that unreasonable. If you can lie about little things (without good reason), then inevitably that will build over time. It's the act of lying itself that's the issue.

I'd not punish this weekend. I would sit down with her, ask why she feels the need to tell silly lies. I'd say that from now on, there will be punishments for caught-out lies - starting with losing electronics, then sleepovers, then being grounded etc. Obviously not all at once, just depends on the severity of the lie and how long it goes on for.

I agree with picking battles, don't sweat the small stuff, but there's a line (and lying is very irritating at the least).

[SarahJane333]

I've already has several long chats with her and explained that the problem is with the actual lying. The first few times she lied we just had a chat about why it's an issue, it's stops us being able to trust her and so on. It's clearly not getting through this is literally the 4th time in a week, the first time we just had a chat, she had her phone taken away the second time, early bedtimes the third time....... This has been going on for a few weeks now and is getting worse rather than better.

[Nataleejah]

Overreacting in a way that you set her up to lie. If you have no issue with x,y,z, why bring it up, ask stupid questions when you know answers, etc.

[Meadows76]

I wouldnt punish her for it, I would be concerned with making her feel comfortable that she didn't think she had to lie in the first place. Giving out punishment will only encourage more lies, she will be reluctant to be honest with you and you will end up In mass battle over essentially nothing.

[SarahJane333]

Nataleejah - I'm not going to go through every example of how her lying came about 🙄 The make up one was me saying 'oh dd your eyebrows look nice did you do something to them?' and her swearing blind she hadn't when she had actually put eyebrow pencil on. Don't really get your comment about asking stupid questions? Surely it's just normal parenting? Being interested and asking what time she went to bed, if she's done such and such and so on? And then later I've been finding out she's not telling the truth and telling multiple lies for no real reason.

[titchy]

Sounds pretty normal tbh. Developmentally she's reaching an age where she needs to separate from her parents and begin to function as an independent person. That means making her own decisions. As soon as she admits wearing make up, texting, staying up late, she's operating from within your rule set not her own. Lying and pretending she's operating within her own rule set is an easy way of beginning to see herself as independent.

So ignore. Obviously if she's lied about big stuff - and by that I mean something that poses a clear risk to her safety (staying out all night in the park, sex at age 12 etc) then come down on her like a ton of bricks.

But this is s major overreaction from you.

[Nataleejah]

But you KNOW that she went to bed late, you SEE that she wears make up -- therefore asking a question at this point is... pointless

[newdaddie]

Yanbu to want to take a firm hand with dd. Nateelah is right though... if you stop debating with her she'll lose the opportunities to lie to you. Instead of asking her if she has makeup on point out the bits she does have on explain how to put on makeup properly... have a little mum-dd bonding time and then help her to remove it properly with cleanser. I'm sure that you're a great mum and a great person that you would be happy for your daughter to emulate. So, instead of battling her try to shift the balance and mould her little character to be more like mummy (who values honesty)

[newdaddie]

Nataleejah*

[5to2]

She is probably lying because she fears the consequences from your micro-managing parenting. Be kinder and trust her more.

[5to2]

Obviously if she's lied about big stuff - and by that I mean something that poses a clear risk to her safety (staying out all night in the park, sex at age 12 etc) then come down on her like a ton of bricks.

If a girl is doing that at 12 it's a safeguarding not a discipline issue.

[SarahJane333]

I'm sure some people post without reading the full op

I have clearly said there have been countless occasions in the last month or so. The first 5 or so times I had chats with her about the importance of honesty, etc and she was not punished at all.

Not sure where you get the idea I micro parent or battle over daft things

I genuinely don't mind her staying up late or wearing make up. She knows this. She's pushing the boundaries for sure and she needs to learn that lying is not an acceptable thing to do. I find it hard to believe that her friends are allowed to lie to there parents without several consequences and am surprised that so many of you would turn a blind eye to continually lies.

[5to2]

Don't go on AIBU and be unprepared to hear that yes, YABU.

Yes, if you continue down this route of lack of trust, suspicion and continual aggro over small matters it may well escalate into something more as she may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Probably something is bothering her at school, or it's hormones or there is some other change in circumstance to account for her change in behaviour. But no, don't bother to find out or be a confidante and continue to distance her by punishing severely for minor misdemeanours. I'm sure it will all work out well for you.

[Nataleejah]

Its not "truth vs. lies", its a silly competition "who's smarter". You're an adult, you shouldn't be escalating it.
I'm saying this because already been through "dog did it" stage

[titchy]

Wow.

You are trying to catch her out. You're setting her up to fail. But hey as long as you prove you're right that's all that matters...

Were any of the numerous occasions she lied important? The examples you've cited are petty and normal developmentally. Your reaction however is hugely disproportionate - is it any wonder you're being accused of micromanaging her?

[0hCrepe]

My dd (10) lied about makeup too- really baffling! I said you need to take that make up off before bed and she kept saying she didn't have any on. I just laughed and was a bit because it was such a daft thing to lie about- I didn't even mind! Later though she said she meant she'd taken it off already so didn't have any on anymore so I let her have that. I don't understand lying either. I never did, nor my brother, though my mum rarely asked things she didn't want to know the answer to! but I know it is part of what children do and it doesn't have to mean harm but It really unsettles me when I've found out something's a lie even a little one.

[SarahJane333]

Where have I set her up to lie? I've just had to reread my posts to try and understand where this is coming from?

Quite happy to be told aibu by punishing her so much, which was my question. It never occurred to me that she shouldn't be punished at all after telling lies so much over the last few weeks. Of course she needs to be taught right from wrong. Chatting and heart to hearts haven't worked.

[5to2]

Haven't you taught her right from wrong during the past 11 years though? What has changed, you should be asking yourself.

[SarahJane333]

Oh crepe - I'm the same, the first few times I was just baffled, it's just been silly stuff mostly and now it's got to a point where it's daft little lies almost every day.