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To refuse to take the blame?

(4 Posts)
StrongerThanIThought76 Tue 15-Nov-16 00:12:21

Long story short - mum diagnosed with serious illness which has required life-changing surgery. She is very stubborn and refuses to enlist help of various medical professionals who could have supported/sped up her recovery.

I am not an only child but live closest to her, attended appointments, visited hospital at all hours post-op, juggled my life to accommodate (single parent, brand new ft job, zero support from exh), listened to fears, worries and ongoing medical difficulties, had her stay post-op but that's not good enough.

Fast forward to now, I've had enough of complaints about Nhs, medical professionals but im also made to feel guilty for pushing her towards getting proper support. Has refused counselling as it's 'for nut jobs', stopped taking anti-depressants.

Now she told me she wishes she'd died during surgery as our relationship has become so difficult. I'm not a doctor / oncologist /urologist /counsellor so I don't have all the answers but I'm failing her as I don't know how to help her and all I'm doing is pushing her away - when what I want her to do more than anything is to get the right support.

We were very close before this, and its breaking me to hear this. But I cannot continue to be made to feel that because I personally can't fix her medical problems that it's all my fault. I'm seeing a counsellor myself for this and other long-standing issues.

How can we fix this relationship?

kerryob Tue 15-Nov-16 00:18:08

Take a step back you are not her carer, she was offered professional help & she refused. She is an adult and she needs to take some responsibility for her own health. You are not failing her you not one of the professionals you listed, you are her child. Take a step back from the medical side as she needs to decide she wants help.

It sounds like you need support too as it must have been a difficult time for you, have you got any support? flowers

StrongerThanIThought76 Tue 15-Nov-16 07:01:15

Thanks kerryob, I've had some counselling a while ago but just as we start making progress she'll bring something else up - last week I discovered she has been stewing over the fact I missed one relatively routine hospital appointment but I was able to go to my boyfriends grans funeral. My sibling visited the hospital once then almost no contact - but my mum has supported them at various times since which compounds my frustration.

It's like she's saving everything up to use against me.

Penfold007 Tue 15-Nov-16 07:28:16

She's frightened and angry and unfortunately taking out on you. That doesn't make it right or mean you have to tolerate it. When she was diagnosed she probably got a pack and/or was introduced to a specialist support nurse, that support is as much for you as it is for her. Make contact,, they will have experience of what you and M are facing. Ultimately she is an adult with capacity to make her own decisions and you may need to have a frank conversation with her and your siblings about what you are prepared to do and what your not. Her talk around wishing she hadn't survived surgery may suggest she is depressed and struggling with her diagnosis and would benefit from professional help but sadly you can't make her take it. You need to look after yourself, I'm glad you are talking to someone.

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