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Is there any future is this marriage?

(14 Posts)
fmpc Sun 13-Nov-16 21:26:42

Just wondering Aibu
Would have said that my relationship with my dh has been quite distant over the last few years so wondering if I'm expecting too much
Have had a few tests recently and doctors are seriously worried about me and am going thru various tests for cancer
Anyway get the impression off dh that he thinks it all a minimal risk and that I'm worrying about nothing and when I've confronted him about this, he's ignored/dismissed it
So asked him this evening what tests I'm due to get this week (ct, ultrasound, biopsy ) and he couldn't answer (has been told), so Aibu to think he really doesn't care ?

DangerousBeanz Sun 13-Nov-16 21:29:22

Maybe his coping mechanism is too play it down and caring on as if it's not happening. Maybe he's scared to take it all on board. Men are often shut off if things are too emotionally difficult.

Or he might just be a totally wanker.

TowerRavenSeven Sun 13-Nov-16 21:31:47

My dh minimizes these kinds of things because he can't fathom me being so sick (which is funny because I'm a cancer survivor). I think if he ignores it it will 'go away'. Could this be the same for your dh?

In all fairness test names can get confusing. Now if he disregards that you are having tests done at all, that may say something.

John4703 Sun 13-Nov-16 21:40:26

Don't be too hard on him yet. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in February 2013, I feel guilty as she found the lump not me and I do like feeling her breasts.
It did not hit me hard at first, I was very much feeling that modern medical treatment would cure it, it was found early, we will live for ever together.
Now things are different, there are many times when I need to tell her that she is as beautiful and sexy as she ever was, having one breast is not easy (she is 36c so not huge).
I am probably more worried than she is now, it just took longer to penetrate my thick male skull.
I love her so much and always have. We both agree that at times it is harder for me to cope than my wife as I am not as involved. I wanted to be with her through radiotherapy but it was too dangerous (who cares if she needed me)
I'm writing this after hugging her as she threw up for the second time today and feeling so guilty that it did not hit me straight away.
Give your husband time to grasp it, you may need his love and support.

ItsJustNotRight Sun 13-Nov-16 21:41:12

Is he going with you for the tests? If he isn't then you need to take someone with you. DH had cancer a few years back and 3 years ago I got recalled after a breast screening. When I arrived for the appointment the nurse said "I'm glad you've brought someone with you, some people don't". If DH hadn't had cancer I wonuldnt have even thought about taking someone with me. Fortunately I was clear. When DH came back from his first Dr appointment when he thought something was wrong he said "it might be x, y or cancer". I laughed, I thought he had piles, I didn't even entertain the idea that it could actually be cancer, apart from a minor niggle he seemed fine but it was cancer. We were both devastated. He's fine now, treatment has improved amazingly and it isn't the death sentence it once was. I really hope everything is OK for you but please take someone with you when you go for tests. I can't answer for your your DP, he might be like me and in complete denial but he may be indifferent. I hope that he just can't process the fact the you could actually be ill. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Underchipsandpeas Sun 13-Nov-16 21:42:15

Best wishes to you John and MrsJohnflowers

John4703 Sun 13-Nov-16 21:43:11

I totally agree with ItsJustNotRight he should be with you for every appointment. It is a help to both of you to be together.

fmpc Sun 13-Nov-16 21:49:56

Have the 3 tests scheduled for this week and no he's not going with me, doesn't work with is work rota
Results are due following week and hopefully my sister coming with me for that (if not, have friend as backup) again dh work rota doesn't work
But fact that pisses me off is that he obviously isn't even listening to me of what tests I'm having and when
And then obviously thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off

Showmeagain Sun 13-Nov-16 21:55:04

Am going through similar. Currently I have moved into the spare room and refuse to engage with oh due to being ignored for weeks. I am thinking that regardless of outcome this may be the final straw. If all is good then why the hell bother with a weak fool. If all is bad I don't have the energy for a fight on 2 fronts. Good luck with your tests xxxxx

Showmeagain Sun 13-Nov-16 21:56:42

P's mine moaned about moving a meeting the day I am having my op and booked in another one when he is meant to be picking me up. Needless to say I will book a cab both ways

ItsJustNotRight Sun 13-Nov-16 21:56:43

That's hard. Can you take your sister with you for the tests? Be prepared that sometimes test results are inconclusive and have to be repeated, the waiting can be horrendous. You need support, I really hope your sister will be there for you if your partner isn't. You should have a clearer view of where things stand with him once you know the results. flowers.

Dogsmom Sun 13-Nov-16 22:51:09

My initial thoughts after your first post were to give him the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps it's his way of coping which although very selfish of him it's quite common but after reading in your 2nd op that he's not going with you to any tests or results appointments because of work then yes he's a complete arsehole and I'm fuming on your behalf.

I hope you get the all clear flowers

e1y1 Sun 13-Nov-16 23:13:43

Can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but just wanted to say good luck and I hope you get the all clear flowers

John4703 Mon 14-Nov-16 20:30:04

I did jump in and say a lot but I will say that despite me being a total idiot at first I went with my wife for every appointment and was there for every test. I went to 86 appointment in the first year and loads more since.
I remember taking to the minister who married us and saying, as a joke, did you put any limit on how often I go to hospital with hr? He said their is no limit and I totally agree. I'll be at the hospital wit my wife next Monday and the following Monday, it is part of being married.
A husband's place is with his wife when she needs him.

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