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To want my children to be happy

(20 Posts)
Mrsdarcyiwish10 Sun 13-Nov-16 10:11:55

1st time poster here, I have no one to talk to in rl about this (both parents deceased). My dd is very unhappy with her dsf as he shows her no affection and criticise's her all the time, ds is younger but is starting to notice the no affection and says dsf is grumpy all the time, to be clear dd is his dsd and ds is his ds if that makes sense, I have tried to talk to him numerous times over the previous years about his relationship with them but he just gets huffy, things pick up for a week or two then back to indifference, I hate to see them upset and try to compensate by doing lots with them, cuddling and telling them I love them, can't remember the last time he voluntarily hugged them, he provides for them but his hobbies come before everything else, they just want his love and attention, his dad was exactly the same. I have mh issues which can make things tense and make him annoyed with me a lot of the time. Realise I am waffling now but just need some advice and to get this off my chest.

Euphemia Sun 13-Nov-16 10:15:46

He sounds horrible. I can't see anything positive that he brings to your lives.

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Sun 13-Nov-16 10:23:51

I know, think I just needed to hear someone say it other then me just thinking it. He helps as I don't go out a lot due to mh issues but I can't let that be the reason my children are so unhappy.

Euphemia Sun 13-Nov-16 10:29:28

What are your options? Ask him to leave?

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Sun 13-Nov-16 10:36:01

I want to ask him for a break, move out to see if it helps to take the pressure off, don't mean to drip feed, have lost 4 close family in the last few years, my dad, uncle, grandparents, dd has separation issues with me out of her sight, I don't want him leaving to make her worse. Would it though or would she relax more with him gone?

Grilledaubergines Sun 13-Nov-16 10:59:28

Sounds like it'll be a happier family without him.

Too much emphasis (not you but in general) on having a two parent family as the 'right' thing. And it's often at the expense of someone or everyone's happiness.

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Sun 13-Nov-16 11:05:44

When he's away sometimes at the weekend its so peaceful, we cuddle up and watch movies and have fun, it's lovely, I sometimes don't want him to come home, suppose that speaks volumes, but the dc are please to see him, I know what you mean about 2 parents, this will be my 2nd failed marriage if he leaves, I managed single parenthood with my dd the first time but my dad helped a lot

Grilledaubergines Sun 13-Nov-16 13:07:44

Please don't see it as a failure. Sometimes things just don't work out.

Do what makes you and your children happy. I know that's easy to say when I'm not sitting in your spot. but it's what you deserve and not what you're getting.

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Sun 13-Nov-16 16:03:31

Thank you for your kind words

Rainydayspending Sun 13-Nov-16 16:11:15

My ex put his hobby before (his own) children, relationship and eventually his job. If you can get him to reprioritise, great. But as a caring adult he'd already do that. If things are better without him and your children feel loved without him - what is the point to him?

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Mon 14-Nov-16 12:02:29

We had a make or break talk, me mostly talking, he was really nice them yesterday, well have to see how long it lasts this time, but made it clear this is his last chance to change for them and for me, I'm scared he won't and it will be me and dc on our own

Mynestisfullofempty Mon 14-Nov-16 12:58:47

OP I see you have a son together as well as your DD. Did your husband/partner want to be a father or does he not actually like children and have no interest in being a father?

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Mon 14-Nov-16 14:53:49

He wanted to have our ds but I think the reality of life with dc is too much for him, he has spare money from his wages and will drop the dc if anything better comes up with his hobbies, also if I make him stay around with them he sulks the whole time. I know my mh issues can cause tension sometimes but I tell him he is free to take the dc out anytime I don't have to be with them. He also has a grown up daughter.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 14-Nov-16 15:33:56

OP, your MH issues will not be being helped by being with this man. I'm a bit shocked that he has a grown-up daughter as he sounds so immature. Well, he is immature, just his body's not.

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Mon 14-Nov-16 15:48:02

Immature is the right word I think, he wants to be a single man able to do as he likes and doesn't think about me or the dc if it interferes with his plans. Your right the extra stress does not help my mh just makes it worse sometimes.

pasanda Mon 14-Nov-16 18:43:58

I would worry that if your dd has separation anxiety issues, would he have contact with her away from you (like I presume your 'joint' son would) or would this not be an issue seeing as she is his dad?

Please don't worry about two failed marriages though. Happiness comes before anyone else's feelings about that afaic.

Grilledaubergines Mon 14-Nov-16 19:17:11

Mrs Darcy, when you talked to him did he acknowledge what you told him? Or dismiss you as being silly/unreasonable/exaggerating?

You've made a threat that this will be the last chance, and you really need to be positive about that and carry the threat through. Otherwise, fast forward 10 years and he'll still be there with the children having been miserable, you miserable and actually, though I'm sure some would say 'fuck his feelings', him miserable too. Which makes for an utterly awful existence.

From what you say, he's not got to grips with parenting in the main. Acceptable from any parent when you have a newborn but if he's not gotten to grips by now, he's unlikely to. Which means you and the children are suffering. In this situation you would without doubt be better off with him not living with you. I can say this as someone whose mother ruled the house with her moods, who quashed every bit of fun we had with our wonderful dad. It's grim.

MommaGee Mon 14-Nov-16 20:51:55

Sorry OP but unless he changes this tine, it doesn't sound like a great relationship. Happy momma means happy kids. If he can't make you guys happy then there's no shame on walking.
Our of interest, how is his relationship with older daughter?

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Tue 15-Nov-16 10:56:17

Pasanda, your right dd does have separation anxiety, due to bereavements she wants to be close to all the time or something bad will happen (to me) she doesn't want her dd to leave but just ants him to be nice, I told him this today and he says he is trying, momma gee, he sees his adopt daughter rarely, texts her and calls but she does not answer, only replies if I or do text her.

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Tue 15-Nov-16 10:57:15

sorry not do, ment if dc text her.

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