Christmas Presents, Savings AIBU??(49 Posts)
Sorry this is going to be a bit long...
DH and I had some work done on our house and a conservatory done. We had quotes etc went through the numbers over and over but as these things do we went over budget by around £1800, now we literally used most of our savings to have the work done as long term it will add value to our home and we needed the extra room. The extra £1800 we took from all sorts of places including our own personal savings, both of us around £450 each.
Now I have saved long and hard to build up a little bit of savings for myself, just for rainy days, birthdays, Christmas, treating myself etc and I had £850.
Because of how much we spent on all the work I decided to get myself a little part time job to try and pay back some of the extra money we'd spent (our personal savings, credit card, joint savings etc) so had 3 paycheques before I was unfortunately let go because they decided they didn't need the extra person anymore. The position we are now in as that my personal savings are paid back, the credit card is paid back, our personal savings have had some paid back but my DH has not had anything. I continuously encouraged him every month to also take some of the money as I didn't think it was fair he was leaving himself till last but he kept insisting. The position we are now in as that it's Xmas next month, we have so far bought 0 presents and after talking about it this morning he announces that i should just pay for everyone's presents (roughly £300 this covers all of our family apart from DD) and then when I find a new job (hopefully won't take to long) the first thing that I do is take £150 of that back as his contribution to the presents (he will then only be owed £300) am I being really selfish that I really don't want to. What if I don't find something else?? I've worked so hard building up this money and I don't want to just spend £300 with no sight to get it back anytime soon. AIBU?
How do you propose buying presents if it's not in the way he suggests?
Yes I think you are. Your dh clearly isn't right with money as he insisted you/debt were paid before him, someone has to buy the presents, where else would you suggest the money comes from? It's not all your savings plus that's what they are there for surely?
I'm wondering when you got your little part time job did all the money go off debt/into savings or did it go into the house too?
ThroughThickAndThin01 My suggestion was that we just scale it back abit i.e. Just the kids, everyone knows the work we've had done and that we went over budget but he said that he doesn't to because all of our siblings will still buy us (they probably would because they are just generous people) and also maybe don't put into our savings this month and then I will pick up the rest.
Nocabbageinmyeye Yes you are right my DH is definitely not tight with money but for me I think the reason I'm like this is because when we first moved out and had DD we literally had nothing, every bit of money literally went on surviving and I had to take money from my parents every month which I felt awful about. We are now in such a better position and have come along way (minus having to tighten our belts abit because of the work we've just had done) and I just have this fear in me which prevents me from spending this money. It's odd. I literally never spend it on anything unless I have to.
I think yabu. If you have the money and your DH doesn't then you paying seems sensible.
Dh idea sounds sensible so yabu. Hope you find a job soon so you can build your savings back up but honestly, as long as youre not in debt dont deny yourself the pleasure of spending some money on loved ones.
Or look at it this way -that £300 belongs to your dh anyway as you made up your personal savings but he didn't.
I think it entirely depends on how money, spending and saving are split in your family.
Often on MN people are aghast that money isn't just pooled as family money, only understanding when one spouse has a poor history with money or is abusive. However, if you manage your money, as a family unit, that you both are allowed your own pot of spending money that is entirely your own after all bills are paid off then perhaps this isn't that unreasonable.
I think I'd need more info about the family setup to gauge. For example how do you have savings of your own? Did you already have a job and took on a second part time job? Or was DH sole earner and you take a small amount from the family pot into your savings each month?
Also, when you've been encouraging DH to rebuild his pot of savings has he ignore you and spent any remaining cash on frivolous things, or has there been no leftover cash that he could have saved?
Yabu it's irrelevant which account the money is in , you are married so it's shared money.
I think yabu. I'm in the all money is family money camp.
In most marriages money is at least partly pooled, so DH's suggestion would just be a matter of cash flow / what account the money comes from.
I think that "cutting your cloth" this year would be a very good idea anyway.
What are you saving the money for? I'm getting a feeling that you're saving independently of DH, but your investment in the house would suggest you're not planning to split from him any time soon. Your financial history is probably making you more anxious about keeping a buffer than you need to be.
Have you and your dh had equal "spare" money during this time and you've saved yours while he's spent his, or have you benefited from all of it?
On the face of it it seems quite an unfair arrangement for your dh and his suggestion seems reasonable - if you prefer to think of it in those terms, why not "pay back" half of tor savings to him now and use both your savings to pay for Christmas? After all, you said you'd wanted him to take some for his savings, so you're just doing what you wanted to anyway, a little later?
I just can't get my head around adult siblings exchanging gifts at Christmas. We stopped years ago, not for financial reasons, more that it's such a monumental pita and mainly people are given things they don't need or want much.
How about suggesting a new way of doing things? Secret Santa? Price limit or charity shop gifts for £5? I'm planning on doing a secret Santa with a price limit of £10 and from a charity shop.
Scale back and yes, do whatever works but never ever underestimate the security of having some savings in the bank.
'I just can't get my head around adult siblings exchanging gifts at Christmas.'
This comment comea up time and time again.
Fair enough that that's how you do it. But tbh it's pretty narrow minded to not be able to understand the concept that other people live different lives to yours.
In regards to the various questions regarding how we split money...
I'm a sahm and we do not receive any benefits only the standard CB which goes into DDs account. All bills and petrol is deducted from DHs pay and put into joint account, we then discuss an amount to put into the joint savings as DH gets commission so pay varies. We then split the remaining 50/50. What we then do with that money is upto us, we both chose to save some separately just because it's nice to have abit of money that is saved that's just mine. It works really well for us and we have done it like this for about 4ish years. I had more money than him saved up just because I chose to save more money up rather than spend some months.
I would be more than happy to lay it all out if I already had another job lined up but I don't yet and that's why I feel nervous about doing it.
Did he get 50% of your extra earnings from the part time job?
We decided together what we did with the money so in that respect yes.
No judgement here at all, as you should do things however suits you as a couple/individual, but I find this so bizarre, as DH and I have always just had a shared pot of money, it just makes issues like this irrelevant. Sorry, but I just cant wrap my head around what the issue is here.
I think money is family money, yes, but I also think that you should be cutting back after an expensive year and you draw the lines at buying presents for adults outside of your immediate family. There is no reason to be buying adult siblings birthday presents; buy for their children and have them only buy for your children. Just tell them that's what you're doing.
You decided, jointly, to spend various pots of your (plural) savings to fund renovations.
There is no reason why you cannot decide, jointly, to spend some if your (plural) savings to fund Christmas. Though obviously you can only spend from the accounts which have money in them.
Have you looked in the Christmas topic, as there are oodles of threads there about present suggestions, including best bang for buck when on a shoestring
Yes you will need to budget carefully, but you may find that you do not need to cut back the numbers you buy pressies for if you plan well.
So his money is shared money? And your money is your money? Is that right?
I think your DH is absolutely right! The money currently sits in your account so that's where it needs to come from.
And I think saying you shouldn't get people presents because you've renovated your house is ridiculous. People often have large expenses, it doesn't mean they get to opt out of all the others.
You are a SAHM so you completely share your husband's salary but when you got a small part time job for a few weeks you maintain that money earned is totally yours? I am having trouble understanding your logic here.
I think YABU. If I'm understanding correctly re the savings, you have had £450 back but DH none? So, if you had paid the savings back equally as the money came in, you would have both had £225 each.
So if you don't want to go with your DH's suggestion (which seems fine to me) I think the most fair thing would be to give DH £225 from your savings, so you have both had the same back, and then split presents equally like you would normally do. I think your idea of having a more frugal Christmas is a good one in these circumstances.
Then, when you start earning again, both you and DH are owed a further £225 each, which you should pay back equally at the same rate as one another to avoid this happening in the future.
It sounds like you have a very fair financial set up and that your DH is reasonable with money. I think you would be unreasonable to not share with him equally in this situation.
YABU. Clearly, it's family income and family savings so it doesn't actually matter where the money comes from in this instance to fund Christmas.
What matters is that you need a financial buffer emotionally more than your DH.
I suggest a conversation along the lines of cutting back the Christmas budget would be an appropriate compromise. You just need to be more imaginative with the 'token' presents for adults. Another vote for perusing the Christmas bargain thread as a really good source for ideas and good deals.
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