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To ask him to leave because of this?

(71 Posts)
NotSayingImBatman Sun 13-Nov-16 09:13:52

DH and I have been together for eight years and have two DCs.

Around six months into our relationship, he announced that he'd quit smoking. This was news to me as I hadn't even realised he smoked in the first place. My DM smokes heavily and I lived at home so the smell wasn't obvious to me however I've never smoked myself and made it clear then that if I'd known he smoked at the start I wouldn't have started dating him.

I was putting his work trousers in the wash this morning and found a lighter in his pocket. Yup, he's started smoking again. I asked him why and he retorted that he's a grown man and doesn't have to explain himself to me.

I've been walking around in trousers that don't fit (recently lost a lot of weight) because I don't feel new clothes is something I can justify spending money on at the moment as other bills etc are taking priority and he's fucking smoking.

I feel completely betrayed and lied to. This is the icing on a very big cake as he also refuses to do housework or generally pick up after himself - hence me doing his laundry in the first place.

I've told him to leave. He's told me I'm ridiculous and can't afford the mortgage without him. I'm pretty certain I could and even if I couldn't, the DCs and I would find somewhere else without many issues. Besides that's hardly a reason to stay with a lazy deceitful cockwomble is it?

AIBU?

NotSayingImBatman Sun 13-Nov-16 09:14:44

*new clothes are, obviously.

calliiee Sun 13-Nov-16 09:15:04

I think your overreacting tbh

calliiee Sun 13-Nov-16 09:15:11

you're

NotSayingImBatman Sun 13-Nov-16 09:16:50

I'm willing to take that on board but wouldn't mind a reason why? He's spending money we don't have on something he knows I hate.

PinkiePiesCupcakes Sun 13-Nov-16 09:17:38

You can leave someone for any reason whatso ever, or no reason at all.
You don't have to lkive with, or be involved with, anyone you choose not to be.

That in mind, thi k about it,
He's lied (everyday since he started)
He spends money you haven't got (smoking is very expensive)
He dismisses your concerns (and tells you so)
He belittles you (thinks of you as lesser to the mighty HIM)

I'd say they were good reasons to leave someone tbh.

treaclesoda Sun 13-Nov-16 09:17:49

I don't really think you are over reacting. It's not about having a sneaky fag on a night out, it's about blowing money that you don't feel you have, and being lied to. It's not the smoking, it is that the smoking is the icing on the cake of an otherwise problematic relationship.

AyeAmarok Sun 13-Nov-16 09:18:02

I think YANBU, I'd leave my DP if he started smoking. Because I just cannot abide it.

It also sounds like there are other issues as well as the smoking.

It doesn't sound like he respects you much, generally sad

calliiee Sun 13-Nov-16 09:18:10

Well you must have it if you could afford the mortgage yourself. But anyway I can understand you being annoyed but ending a marriage over it seems weird to me.

PinkiePiesCupcakes Sun 13-Nov-16 09:18:55

I do t think you're overreacting fwiw.

Cocklodger Sun 13-Nov-16 09:19:18

Smoking is expensive I'm wondering how you did not notice this money going missing??
YANBU to end a relationship for any reason

Rainbowqueeen Sun 13-Nov-16 09:19:44

It's more than just the smoking though isn't it, it's the attitude he's displaying.

If he refuses to do housework it sounds like his attitude is generally pretty shit generally and that he lacks respect for you. That's no way to live

YANBU? I wish you well

ParisGellar Sun 13-Nov-16 09:20:01

Quite honestly I don't think you're overreacting at all. It's a big deal for you and he's dismissed it, because that's how little he thinks of you. You wouldn't be U to ask him to leave, imo.

NavyandWhite Sun 13-Nov-16 09:20:11

I don't think you're overreacting either. This isn't just about him lying about smoking.

How's your relationship otherwise OP?

peachesandcreamdream Sun 13-Nov-16 09:21:11

Does he work? If so he is allowed to spend some of the money he earns on what he wants. If he wouldn't grudge you some new clothes then I can't see the problem.

Him being lazy around the house is a separate issue.

I tend to agree with your husband. He's an adult and can spend his money on what he wants.

I get you're annoyed but I think you're overreacting massively.

Sorry.

Madinche1sea Sun 13-Nov-16 09:23:02

How much do you think he is smoking? He's obviously not doing it at home and I doubt he can at work. Is he in pubs a lot?
Personally, I've never smoked, but I wouldn't chuck someone out for this alone, even though it would annoy me. I'd help them to quit. Maybe it's something he reverts to in times of stress, I've no idea. But it sounds like the smoking may be the last straw for you and there are wider problems here anyway.

JustSpeakSense Sun 13-Nov-16 09:23:25

I think you're overreacting.

If your marriage is over for other reasons, this might be the final straw for you.

But if it is the only reason you would leave your marriage then YABU

Timeforabiscuit Sun 13-Nov-16 09:23:32

I dont think youre over reacting, his hidden this from you for years, used family money to do it and doesnt pull his weight house wise.
The happiness of most people is not destroyed by cataclysmic events, but the repetition of slowly destructive little things.

Do you think you can both sit down and talk?

NotSayingImBatman Sun 13-Nov-16 09:24:47

Our relationship isn't great tbh. He never actually says he won't do the housework, he just doesn't fucking do it. The money he's currently spending on cigarettes was supposed to be getting saved to buy a cheap second car so that I didn't have to keep arriving at work late and leaving early - thus damaging my ability to progress my career - as then he'd be able to do school and nursery drop offs and pick ups. Guess that doesn't really matter though because I'm here to do all the shitwork whilst he cracks on at work.

TheCakes Sun 13-Nov-16 09:25:49

I can't decide. I'm fairly live and let live, and if my partner wants to smoke, he can smoke.
That said, I don't want to be lied to, and I guess it depends how you manage your finances as to whether that's an issue. We have joint money and personal money and as long as it didn't come from joint money, again no issue.
Sounds like there are other issues at play here though.
If you find someone's behaviour intolerable, you don't have to put up with it.
My advice is to not make any decisions in anger. Let that burn away and see what you are left with. If you still don't want him back, then you're done.

Sweets101 Sun 13-Nov-16 09:26:28

I'm surprised he managed to keep it from you.
As PP's have said, it only needs to be a 'good enough' reason for you. When you're done you're done.
It doesn't sound like a very fulfilling relationship.

For the smoking I thin you're over reacting (if he's working it and funding it himself) but I don't think your issue is really the smoking!

With the clothes it sounds more like you can't justify the money so won't spend it. If you can afford the mortgage by yourself without the 2nd income then you can afford to go get new clothes

HerOtherHalf Sun 13-Nov-16 09:28:29

Forgetting everything else, one simple question. Are you in love with him?

NotSayingImBatman Sun 13-Nov-16 09:29:05

When I say I can afford the mortgage I feel I should point out that we don't live in London/the south east and our mortgage is actually really reasonable. I'm not talking about £1000s per month, more like £475.

NavyandWhite Sun 13-Nov-16 09:29:39

So he lies about smoking and doesn't do housework. That's pretty shit.

TBH if my DH wouldn't help me out with the housework ( if he was supposed to because we are a team etc ) that would be telling. It's not something you can ignore and carry on your merry way.

Do you talk, laugh, do stuff together?

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