To be suspicious of in laws motives(26 Posts)
And WWYD? Need quick responses. DH nipped out this afternoon to show his DB something at work (they work together) ready for Monday. DH has just text me to say he's in the pub now cos his parents showed up. Doesn't sound weird, but if I could tell you the stress and angst the in laws have caused us. I can't say everything here as it would fill a book, but they make their dislike of me and my family very clear. I like MIL but FIL is downright confrontational and aggressive towards me, and I find him quite scary. They would never come and see us, or invite us to their house, or arrange a meet up without us asking. We always make the effort (or me!) I ask DH when he last spoke to them, when are we going to see them etc. We have just had a baby so I'm trying to build bridges (even though it's me whose been wronged) for the sake of DH and DS. Last time we saw them I had invited them to our local pub.
Urg such a ramble sorry I'm really flustered. Anyway so they've just randomly turned up today knowing it was just DH. I'm freaked out they want to have a relationship with DH and DS and keeping me out of it (although DS is obviously with me ATM.) I was trying to build something stable that involved all of us as I believe the 3 of us come as a package and they should accept that. When I go back to work I've told DH he's not to take DS up there without me (although he hasn't agreed to this yet.) I'm worried of being shut out and not having control over the situation. FIL is very controlling of MIL and I'd rather DS didn't see too much of that growing up so he doesn't come to see this as normal, but I do want him to have a managed relationship with them.
So when my DH gets home what do I say? Am I overreacting and just being hormonal? Where they just being nice and wanting to see their son and I'm reading into it? Should I accept they don't want me in their lives and ask DH if he should just see them on his own in future? Or should I just keep quiet and say nothing about this out of the blue visit. So confused!
I'm confused. Is DH in the pub now or at home?
You're reading too much into it I think, and possibly being a little melodramatic. Your DS is his child too and if he wants to bring him to see the grandparents he should be able to. Interesting you are critical of FIL being controlling but are trying to control the family relationships yourself.
I sympathise as you have tried to make a relationship with them but you cant really tell your dh not to visit in parents without you. That would be considered controlling. Imagine if he told you not to visit your parents without him.
He's in the pub now, just don't know what to say when he gets home. Sorry taken me by surprise they haven't done anything like this before and it just seems strange but I'm thinking it's just hormones. There's just so much water under the bridge!
So their sons went to the pub for a drink and they decided to go along?
Or do your think the pil set this up so they could see you dh without you there?
I honestly thinks it's out of order to ban your dh from seeing his parents with you there.
Yes I can see it is controlling on my part, difficult being a new mum and wanting the best. But honestly I really want him to have a relationship with his grandparents so if they really can't stand me I think I'll have to just let it go
Sorry did just need some perspective thank you! I didn't have time to explain they have been very nasty to both of us, but family is family
All depends if it was a deliberate move to exclude you or an impromptu thing where they were randomly at bils and it moved to pub. If the first then you need to speak to DH and get him onside sharpish if the latter it could just be hormonal and here's some
Ah thanks! No I'm sure it was very much intentional to see him when I wasn't there, the pub is no where near them and they'd know I wasn't there. Sad more than anything they've missed seeing DGS. I would of happily gone along if I'd been invited. I won't say anything when DH gets home unless he says something
It's difficult to say really.
However, there's nothing wrong in principle with your DH's parents spending time with their son in his own. You don't always have to be there. When your DS grows up you'll sometimes want to see him without his partner.
An impromptu lunch with their two sons sounds lovely.
However I would expect that they spend time with the three of you as a family too. What are your Christmas plans?
Why not arrange to do some family meals and activities all together to try to show a united front.
It's not really reasonable for your DH to ask permission to take his child to see his parents to be honest. Do you ask permission to take him to see yours?
PILs can be difficult but you have to find ways to manage unless they are really, really dreadful and even then going NC is a very difficult choice.
Best in mind the biggest influence on your DS as he grows it the behaviour modelled by you and your DH. As your child gets older you can explain/discuss any things your PILs do that you don't like with the child.
My DC are 8yo. They are fully aware that both sets of their GPS have their own foibles and bad habits not to be emulated but we love and cherish them anyway.
You need to discuss your worries with your DH, but not in an accusatory manner.
If they have been nasty to you then I think you are well within your rights not to see them. But your difficulty here is that you don't want to cut them out of your life completely but want to manage all the interractions, which is impossible I think.
Do you feel that your dh hasn't supported you when his parents have been nasty? If so, that is something you need to address with him.
I'm not sure that you can encourage your dh into a continued relationship by asking when ge last saw them, inviting them over etc and then say he cannot take your ds to visit without you. You have to be one thing or another. If they treat you like shit, you csn say that no one who is disrespectful to you is allowed near your child but not in the next breath invite them over to your house.
They're never going to be welcoming towards me so I can't change that, and I certainly wouldn't go NC just cos they don't like me, that would be totally unfair as I guess it's not my business as I've 'married in.' Yes DH is very hurt by the way they've treated me, but they're his parents. I totally accept I can't stop him seeing them with DS without me so thank you DH will be his hero as daddy's are, and my DH luckily is very respectful of me and woman so DS has a good role model.
So when he gets home say nothing and just ask how they where etc? A glass of something will settle me in a min anyway!
I don't really understand why you want DS to have a relationship with FIL if he's such a nasty bastard?
WHy do you say "family is family" as if you think because someone is related to you they can treat you like shit and it is OK? It isn't.
I don't think you should say anything, and that includes not encouraging DH or DS to see ILS. I would keep as far away from them as I could and take my cues from DH.
Thanks for your reply- great name btw! We keep going because MIL is lovely just very easily influenced, and won't see us without FIL, so we do it for her. And in the right situations FIL is ok! Very Jeckle and Hyde. Also I'm not very good at knowing what to do with family politics, I grew up with a very straightforward loving family who accepted everyone, so this is all new to me. But good advice, follow DH lead and don't get too involved thanks!
What I would add though, is any sign of them disregarding you as ds's parent by undermining you or speaking inappropriately about you in front of your ds and you should stop them seeing ds. This is something where your dh has to have your back.
Also, if they know something bugs you, they will get a delight out of doing it, so show no sign of irritation but definitely challenge any rudeness or nastiness. They don't have to like you but they do have to be civil and remember you are their son's wife and grandson's mother!
I think it all comes down to your DH really, it is fine for him to see them alone or with ds but you need to be able to trust him to keep an eye on them and how they are in front of your ds. Also, he should put pressure on them to be polite and welcoming to you....not saying you should always be there or come as a package, but there are limits to what he should tolerate from them. If they think there will be a consequence from him perhaps they will be better to you. They do sound difficult.
I think you've hit the nail on the head, FIL knows which buttons to push (normally insulting my family.) I don't react in front of him but cry afterwards and I think he knows that. He normally saves his big tricks for difficult times in our lives then goes back to being normal again. When he's in his 'ok' state I think he could be a good grandad, but children pick up so much so I'll watch in the coming years he doesn't say things about me or my family is DS hearing. Thanks! You've all helped a lot
Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they've scored a hit/got under your skin. Also, even if your DH can see it all he's going to feel uncomfortable talking about how crap they are with you.
I would just wait. They will eventually be their own undoing. Your DH is aware that they don't treat you fairly, and will come to the conclusion to say/do something about that in his own time, if they carry on with their behaviour. It won't come any faster if you force the issue with him, but it will likely lead to him feeling he has to defend them, which can then lead to arguments between you and DH. Which is exactly what your FIL would probably love.
I would play it by the book, be pleasant, but not gushing. Don't go out of your way to do anything overly nice, just do the basics and smile. Avoid being with them away from DH if you can, because that's when they can be really rude/ignore you/confront you and you can't say anything without causing a stink and they know that.
It's tough, I know!
What Jenny said really. Play them a bit as I am a big believer in giving people enough rope to hang themselves. One day the old tosser will outdo even himself and say or do something so unreasonable that DH will see exactly what he is like. Christ it's all so tiring though isn't it?
Bit shocked at FIL insulting your family and your DH still being OK with that. Does he do it within DHs hearing OP?
If he's rude about your family, calmly, politely challenge him every single time.
Don't show anger, or hurt. Just raise your eyebrow (if you can!) and ask why he said such and such.
You also need to get your DH on side at challenging this.
It sounds like he's used to bullying women. Don't let him.
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