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to tell BIL his new gf is awful?

(25 Posts)
harrietm87 Sat 12-Nov-16 16:18:47

Tbh think IABU.
BILs lovely long term GF (5 yrs) ended it with him in Jan. BIL immediately finds new GF (definitely nothing going on before the break up). Their relationship has moved really fast. Within months they were talking about buying a house together and he moved in with her and parents after 3 months. They're now renting together.

Problem is new gf is awful - immature, selfish, massive drama queen. She's ruined a couple of family events including our wedding by throwing tantrums. She has no interests and doesn't like BIL having any either. We used to be v close but have hardly seen him since they got together. He seems happy now but long term we don't see how he can be if she won't let him off the leash and seems to need to dictate everything in his life. She wants to get married soon (has said this openly) and we're terrified this will happen.

WWYD? Would you say something? Should DH be the one? (He is DH's bro but he and DH not always good at talking about this stuff whereas we had a v open relationship).

BeanAnTi Sat 12-Nov-16 16:20:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat Sat 12-Nov-16 16:21:39

Do Not Get Involved!

Left to his own devices, he may well decide she's not the one for him. On the off chance that he does go ahead, it'll make things very awkward if you've said you don't like her.

Andro Sat 12-Nov-16 16:22:40

Say nothing unless asked; if asked, your dh needs to be diplomatically honest.

ThatStewie Sat 12-Nov-16 16:23:03

Meddling will only result in you getting unnecessary grief. Strict boundaries in place so that no tantrums affect you. She throws a wobbly, it's her lookout.

rhuhbarb4 Sat 12-Nov-16 16:24:57

Don't get involved usually there is no need to. My brother has just broken up with his girlfriend that sounds exactly the same as the woman (devil in disguise) in your post. We all hated her but had to be nice and polite and tow the line for my brothers sake. So they were living together and then after 3 years she just upped and left. And now a month on he has a new girlfriend that we all love. Let it run its course if a wedding seems imminent and you really don't want it to happen maybe mention something then but not before.

Stitchintimesaves9 Sat 12-Nov-16 16:28:39

Really don't get involved. Maybe BIL is uncomfortable with her behaviour, but talking about it won't make a difference and probably just put him on the defensive and affect his relationship with you and DH.

harrietm87 Sat 12-Nov-16 16:31:06

Clear consensus! You're obviously all right. Just hard because we love him so much.

Arfarfanarf Sat 12-Nov-16 16:32:35

God no.
She sounds like a rebound.
They are often intense and dramatic.
It's about feeling wanted after rejection yadda yadda

They rarely last.

But if you stick your oar in it wont end well for you.

Sounds like if you let her get on with it she'll wreck it without your help.

Just dont pander to her.

harrietm87 Sat 12-Nov-16 16:35:50

Yes she clearly is rebound, but it's the fast steps towards permanence that are worrying. I fear he will get sucked in so far that by the time he realises it's not right it will be too late.

rhuhbarb4 Sat 12-Nov-16 16:37:07

If she is rebound then surely as soon as things like marriage get discussed then he will be like ohhhh let's take a step back. I know it's hard when you live someone and you can see it all at clearly when maybe they can't.

TaterTots Sat 12-Nov-16 16:37:27

Unfortunately if you say anything it will end up being your fault when they break up. I'd keep schtum.

CoraPirbright Sat 12-Nov-16 16:54:32

Yup don't say a word! Bil had a horrid gf & we all told him she was rude & snobby. He's a bit stubborn & doesn't like to be told. They have just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary (she's still a cow).

ChickenVindaloo Sat 12-Nov-16 17:02:52

How did she ruin your wedding, OP?

Mindtrope Sat 12-Nov-16 17:05:37

Stay out.
Maybe she cooks great pumpkin pie or indulges in your BILs farmyard fantasies.

You only see things as an observer.

Missrubyring Sat 12-Nov-16 17:11:25

I agree with PPs, stay out of it and just be support if/ when it goes tits up!!

How did she ruin your wedding, OP?
I'm also curious about this??
Does the rest of your BILs family know how she is??

Trifleorbust Sat 12-Nov-16 17:15:54

You have no basis for saying he will realise 'things aren't right'. You don't like her, fair enough. Maybe she is immature. But maybe he is head over heels in love with her anyway and they are, like you say, happy. Stay out of it, your interference won't be welcomed.

Damelo Sat 12-Nov-16 17:18:58

I'm sure she's not your cup of tea but she might have interests. Gel Nails, magazines, towie, going to the gym? who knows.

I honestly think some men quite like being told what to do. So long as it's not the big stuff. Some men like to have the minutiae of their day managed.

SwearyGodmother Sat 12-Nov-16 17:22:47

Don't get involved. As the messenger you generally get shot.

I told my sister her boyfriend was cheating on her (he was, and there was proof) as I didn't want her to have to be on the receiving end of that. He waged a campaign of hatred (think made up complaints to police) against me and she stood by him and they claimed I was wrong - and even if I was (I wasn't) I was acting from a place of concern. My sister and I no longer have a relationship and they marry next year.

TheNaze73 Sat 12-Nov-16 17:24:22

Sadly, doing nothing is your only option?

Being incredibly nosey, how did she ruin the wedding?

andintothefire Sat 12-Nov-16 17:25:47

While I agree that you can't tell him that you think she is awful, there may be some situations in which it would not be too bad to have a word. If she has a habit of ruining family events then your DH could have a quiet word about it if there is anything practical he could suggest (though I'm struggling to think what that might be!). Equally, if you are concerned about them rushing in to buy a house then there might be circumstances in which you could subtly make sure that he has properly considered the legal complications and risks of doing that.

But ultimately we all just have to put up with family members or their partners who we would not choose to be around!

ohtheholidays Sat 12-Nov-16 17:32:43

Don't say anything to him or anyone else who might pass on what you've both said to your BIL or his GF and just be there for him when he needs you.

That way he'll be far more likely to confide in you with any problems he's having with her/the relationship.

hoddtastic Sat 12-Nov-16 17:33:15

Is that you Kate Middleton?

harrietm87 Sat 12-Nov-16 20:55:53

Thanks everyone. I agree completely, just wish things were different!

Re the wedding...BIL was best man but was unable to help us in any way in the run up because she "wasn't well". On the day she threw a tantrum re seating plan (she wasn't at top table but we'd only met her 2 months before) which meant that BIL had to spend most of the day comforting her (lots of arguing outside). They left early and didn't attend the family lunch the next day as she wanted time with him "away from family". She didn't even speak to me on the day to say congrats or thanks for the invite and is scowling in all the pictures. I should say that we've all been very nice and welcoming towards her (so far...)

IWouldBeSuperb Sat 12-Nov-16 21:05:57

hodd grin

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