Posting here for traffic. I really don't know what else to do.
I posted on a mental health section on here a few days ago about my dp who's suffering from depression, he took an overdose on Wednesday and was admitted into a mental health unit because this is the second incident of this sort since dd was born 9 months ago, which he managed to talk himself out of the same night. Dd stayed with his parents for the night, dp came home and the next day when dd was due to arrive home he went out and hasn't come home since. He's been telling me on the phone he's scared to come home he doesn't feel comfortable around her (even though she's in bed in her own room from 7pm until 8am). Last night he locked himself In a hotel and told me he's made up his mind he's going to end his life there is no way out he's 100% sure this is what he wants to do. I phoned the police and his uncle to go to the hotel (I couldn't go as had to look after dd) anyway the police took him to the station and after no more than an hour they just let him go, he's at his cousin's house at the moment awaiting another mental health assessment, but is not replying to any of my calls or texts. My question is, who do I phone to tell them what he's been telling me? He always manages to talk himself out of going to hospital, he says he's fine and they just leave and then he's still telling me he's not fine and wants to end his life. I've looked online for a number to call but as it's the weekend nowhere is open. He never brings up his daughter when being assessed and they never seem to either, I think they need to focus more on the fact that this is because he's had a baby whereas they think he's not coming home because of 'relationship issues' when I spoke to a doctor yesterday she said they couldn't discuss it with me as they haven't got dp's permission. So what on earth do I do?? He's telling them he's fine and telling me he's going to end his life. Does it not even ring alarm bells for them that he hasn't been home in 3 days because he's scared and uncomfortable around his 9 month old? I'm so scared of what will happen and fear the worst, is there no one who can have a look at the messages he's been sending me? Surely that's proof he's lying about how he feels?
They can't talk to you but you can talk to them. Tell them that you don't expect them to give you any information but you want to tell them something. Listening to you will not breach confidentiality. Explain what you've just said here, quote his text messages if you can. Then tell them that if he ends his life, you will be holding them responsible for not taking action to keep him safe. If possible put that in writing to either his GP or the mental health team etc. Perhaps email something to his cousin to print out and give to them when he is assessed? It will put pressure on them to react appropriately. You can also call the police again if it reaches crisis point over the weekend.
Firstly, do not let him in to your home. He is a serious danger to your baby. Secondly, I don't think you can solve this. Unfortunately no-one can save him. But, ime (Police), the people who say they are going tokill themselves very rarely do. The ones who really want to, simply go somewhere remote and do it without any warning. I have sat in A&E with a suicidal person and watched the doctor assess him. He repeatedly said he would kill himself if let go, and they assessed him as ok to leave I guess there are simply not enough beds.
But DO NOT let him near the baby. EVER. Change the locks asap.
Sorry, this must be really hard, but you have to put your baby first here.
Sorry this must be totally rubbish for you. for you and babe, congratulations. Bear in mind that they can't give you information, but you can pass on information about him. I would try the following avenues (all of them) - ring your GP and say you think he needs a further mental health assessment or section assessment and give them the additional information you know. Ring NHS 111 out of hours. They can connect to the crisis teams. Look up mental health crisis team numbers yourself, if you have one in your area. Ring the Mind helpline for advice maybe? Maybe try adult social care duty desk - a referral to them might give mental health services a nudge. Let your midwife know so that you get the support you need. Keep a note of anything he says or writes to you and pass it on. But mostly, try to stay calm and pass on the info and responsibility to others - concentrate on you and your babe as much as you possibly can. Take care [hugs]
This sounds very difficult and lonely for you. Do you have family or friends who can come round and support you?
How awful for you to be going through this with such a young baby. I think you do need to tell the authorities what he has been saying to you about the baby. If they don't know the full picture then can't treat him. If he is staying with his Uncle then he is as safe as he can be under the circumstances. Stop phoning him for the time being. Try and get some rest. I don't suppose you have slept. Do you have family or friends that can support your?
Thankyou all for your support and advice, he's now gone back to the hotel as his cousin had to leave for work and awaiting a mental health assessment which I'm sure will amount to nothing again. I'll give his gp a ring but I'm not sure they'll do anything if he's already being assessed, I don't think he's safe alone but I'm constantly being told they can't do anything unless he's done something. I understand most people who say they want to end their life don't actually do it but it's just not a risk I can take, he's usually such a kind natured, sensitive man- he's my rock and now I'm left to deal with this all on my own. I called the crisis team yesterday to report the messages I've had from him and they basically just told me they have to take what he says on face value and believe what he's telling them. My door is chained, he wouldn't come back here anyway I genuinely think he's scared of our child or at least scared of the responsibility, I'm almost certain this is to do with having our baby like postnatal depression in a man if that's a thing? I just can't help but think that if this was a woman refusing to come home and was uncomfortable around her child there would be more people willing to help. It is an awful situation, before dd was born he had no history of mental health whatsoever he's actually a really positive man but this has hit me like a tonne of bricks and I know dd is picking up on my anxiety my mum is coming over later to help out around the house and keep dd occupied, this situation plus a teething bubba is really taking its toll, thanks again for all of your replies
I am glad your Mother is coming to help. It must be a terrible strain on you. I am glad you have secured to talk to his GP. In his current state, in can do no harm.
Was he like thus before your DD. Was itvan unexpected pregnancy? It does sound like a former of post natal depression which is why I think it's necessary to speak to his GP.
The pregnancy was unexpected yes a very big shock infact as we were using contraception, no he wasn't like this at all before dd infact he was the opposite, always had a positive outlook on everything- he was my rock during the pregnancy and very difficult labour, he's agreed today to speak with a professional and tell him how he really feels- weather he will or not is a different matter but it's one step away from him being 'determined he's going to end his life' though he's still saying his decision has been made. I just don't know what more I can do I feel helpless I have to be strong for dd she doesn't deserve any of this
Men can still get pnd, though it's much rarer.
Second the 'talk to them' advice.
When DM was developing horrific dementia we had to push and PUSH for people to help and eventually did get her the care she needed.
I really feel for you and hope you get sorted. I'm very glad your Mum is coming
Big hugs 🤗 op x
This sounds so difficult - fwiw I think you're on the right track thinking it's about your poor DD. Echoing what the others have said - you can tell the gp, etc. Even if they can't tell you anything.
I think putting this clearly in writing is a good idea too, so they can be really clear on what he's been telling you.
And I don't want to be alarmist but he's clearly very unwell - I would change the locks just in case. It does sound as if he will stay away but you can't guarantee that.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.