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To be sick of everything being "his" way???

(76 Posts)
Ultimateflighter Fri 11-Nov-16 22:50:59

Been together 5 years. Been to 'his' favourite festival 4 years on the trot. Last year I suggested we have a change and go to a festival that is more 'my' taste next year. He said absolutely not, he can't possibly miss 'his' festival.

Every time we go out it has to be to see a band, gig, concert, festival. I'd like to go for a meal and a few quiet drinks where we can talk and connect. We never do - instead, if we go out it is always a gig or festival type thing. If I suggest my type if night he makes an excuse about money/being tired/crap venue etc etc.

There was a band I really wanted to see in November. He agreed to it months ago. Then all of a sudden there's a band on in November 'he' wants to see. Guess who lost out.

There was a problem with the hotel. We got a free night to use in the next 6 months as compensation. Not once did he say "is there anything you fancy doing?". Instead he told me there was a band on he wanted to see in November and we should use the free night on that.

He's been promising to take me to cinema for months. It's still to happen.

Well it all came to a head tonight when I saw photos on facebook of families out to dinner together. I said "we should do that more often". He replied that we can't possibly go out as my teens don't behave so he feels he can't leave the house. Funny then how that didn't stop him going to see the band at weekend, nor did it stop him seeing that other band a few weeks earlier. Nor did it stop him booking his festival for next year. He said that was all before our latest trip ended by us coming home and my boys falling out ON THE NIGHT we were home and fighting. Funny then how THIS MORNING he was telling to to arrange my annual leave for this next band in Feb and yesterday talking about us booking the festival for next year.

He's now saying "yes well now I've decided I never want to go out again". Yes, now that I'm trying to arrange something 'I' want to do. He wasn't saying that this morning.

I'm sick of it. Whenever I try and do something to my taste he throws his toys out of the pram and says he's never going out again. Until this particular argument blows over and he's booking his next band.

I don't mix well so don't have friends I can do these things with so I'm stuck doing everything he wants to do and I'm fed up.

Somanyvipers Fri 11-Nov-16 22:53:15

Sounds miserable, time to get rid. It won't improve. Hugs.

OurBlanche Fri 11-Nov-16 22:53:45


Whose house?

Does he do anything at all that makes you happy?

Why bother?

OliviaStabler Fri 11-Nov-16 22:53:53

Why don't you go on your own to the things you want to do?

HandbagCrazy Fri 11-Nov-16 22:55:58

Are you interested in anything similar to your teens? Go with them!

Stop saying yes to his demands. No you're not wasting your annual leave on doing what he wants - your saving it to go to the festival you're interested in / taking your kids away!
He's not going to change anything while you're giving him everything that he wants.

Or you could always LTB - I would be seriously considering this option tbh as he's so selfish that you're never going to be happy with him.

littlepeas Fri 11-Nov-16 23:02:06

My father was like this. It was always his way all the time. A favourite anecdote of mine is this:

My mum had always wanted to go to Rome, but my dad would always refuse to go and they would always, ALWAYS go on a holiday of his choosing. My sister cooked up a plan with my mum to go to Rome together - my mum went home and told my dad of their plans and his response was, 'oh, I'd love to go away with you and dd, but don't want to go to Rome - lets go somewhere else……'.

He's gone now. My mum doesn't know what to do with herself, as her life has been run for her for 40 years. I wish they had divorced tbh.

(ps - I do love and miss my dad, but I would never have married someone like him).

magoria Fri 11-Nov-16 23:03:11

Why would you stay in a relationship where you, your interests and your choices are dismissed as unimportant.

A relationship where it is all about him?

Mrswinkler Fri 11-Nov-16 23:03:26

Would he do all this stuff without you? If not then he's just using you to facilitate his social life.

Please make your own plans or at the least refuse accompany him. You're not joined at the hip, get your own social life.

Ultimateflighter Fri 11-Nov-16 23:08:56

We are married, joint house.

We get on most times but when I think about it it's always when we're doing something he wants to do or when we've managed to agree on something we both want to do (holidays mostly).

He's like it with sex too (sorry!). It's all on his terms. He has a low sex drive so very rarely wants to have sex yet when he does, I either have to be in the mood or if I'm not, he starts saying I don't fancy him/don't love him etc. Never mind the millions of times he reflects me but when it's the other way around, I'm being unreasonable. I spoke to him years ago saying I like oral sex and he never seems interested. He said he doesn't like it (giving or receiving) but said he'll 'try'. That was 4 years ago and we've not done it since. The last time I did it on him he just laid there with no reaction. I stopped and said "I take it you're not enjoying this?" So he said "maybe I just don't like the way you do it".

I was mortified and it really knocked my confidence. I've never had a problem with this before and he saw I was upset and said he didn't mean to offend me but "I don't have to like it".

Same with sex positions. It's missionary every time. Years ago I said I'd like to try new things. He agreed but in the past 4 years, it's never happened.

It's like he's just not bothered about me at all.

Ultimateflighter Fri 11-Nov-16 23:11:54

What fun is it going to sit on your own in a bar? And yeah I could go with a female friend but suggesting to a female friend that we go for a meal and a couple of drinks to chat and connect isn't exactly what I'm trying to achieve. I want to chat and connect with my husband.

user1471468700 Fri 11-Nov-16 23:13:49

He can only have everything his way if you agree to it.
What's stopping you from saying no?

magoria Fri 11-Nov-16 23:15:57

The more you post the more revolting and selfish your H sounds.

Why do you use the example of sitting in a bar on your own? Do stuff with your DC

Go to the cinema. Go to the festival you want. Go to the bands you want.

It really sounds like you are only useful to him when there is something in it for him.

Ultimateflighter Fri 11-Nov-16 23:17:06

Because I'd rather do 'something' than nothing.

Another thing - ever since we got together I've been saying I'd like to go and see phantom of the opera. It's never happened despite us having plenty of opportunity. When we were in America I wanted to see school of rock - but no, it was too expensive.
In the background I was trying to arrange to take him to see les miserables because he kept saying he'd love to see it but I gave up on the idea when I realised he'd never surprise me with something like that.

Ultimateflighter Fri 11-Nov-16 23:18:17

My DS's don't want to accompany me around 😁

CocktailQueen Fri 11-Nov-16 23:18:52

Stop agreeing to everything your h suggests! Either go by yourself or hook up with friends and go with them.

He sounds like a complete selfish twunt.

MorrisZapp Fri 11-Nov-16 23:19:25

Is this Glastonbury man and did we all beg you not to marry him?

WellIGuessThisIsGrowingUp Fri 11-Nov-16 23:20:44

He sounds very selfish. Are you happy with him generally? Does he make you happy?

mummymeister Fri 11-Nov-16 23:22:09

...and what do you think is ever going to make him change? He behaves like this - so badly, rude and uncaring because you allow him to. you are enabling him to behave like a total arse.

all the time you enable it, he will keep on doing it.

only you can put a stop to this. only you know if he is actually worth the effort.

sit down with him and tell him - don't suggest, cajole etc but tell him - that you are going to go to this festival and either he comes with you or he doesn't. nothing changes if nothing changes and either you make it change or you put up with it. sorry to be blunt but there it is, staring you in the face.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila Fri 11-Nov-16 23:23:00

Is this Glastonbury man and did we all beg you not to marry him?

Exactly what I was thinking!

Ultimateflighter Fri 11-Nov-16 23:25:22

Another thing upsetting me is ive just had blood tests come back telling me something is wrong with my kidneys. I'm really worried and can't get to see a doctor until a week on Monday. I told him and he didn't really say anything (and proceeded to start an unrelated argument tonight) despite me supporting him through 5 years of health anxiety, numerous gp/hospital appointments, tests etc and he can't do as much as offer a bit of support over a worrying blood test.

Ultimateflighter Fri 11-Nov-16 23:26:04

It's not Glastonbury, that I would like to go to 😆

Lynnm63 Fri 11-Nov-16 23:26:31

He's an arse, do you want this to be the rest of your life? Give and take is a marriage, you are effectively one of those companions grand ladies harridans used to have who were paid to be a plus one and do what they were told.
If it were me he'd be out on his arse.

BlueFolly Fri 11-Nov-16 23:27:45

Well he won't change, why would he?

YelloDraw Fri 11-Nov-16 23:28:54

Is this Glastonbury man and did we all beg you not to marry him?

Oh god is it Glasto boy?? I though Glasto. Oh and fiancé were younger without kids but maybe not.

JamButtyLand Fri 11-Nov-16 23:29:13

I have been on here a few years and I have never said this before. But seriously LTB
You are wasting your life away feeling 2nd rate. I did that for far too many years. I LTB nearly a year ago and every now and then I say wow I feel so free. (. Bout every 10 mins actually)
There is so much more to life!

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