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To feel unappreciated, unwanted, unattractive and actually very lonely

(10 Posts)
Twalls Fri 11-Nov-16 15:33:17

I posted this in relationships but I need the traffic. Feel so down and depressed. Been married less than a year. Just posted on AIBU about our working hours and the fact that we have little time together and when we do - he'd rather play computer games.

Today is my one day off work. I'm working all over weekend. DH finished work at 11.30 so theoretically we could have had this afternoon (my one day off remember) to spend time together. Instead he's played grand theft auto.

Sex is a major issue at the moment as he's just not interested. If I don't initiate it, it doesn't happen. All through the week he says he's too tired from work and on a weekend he's either too drunk (drinks every Friday and Saturday night) or - if I attempt it in a morning (when I'm not working the weekend) he's too hung over.

Last weekend he'd not been interest in sex all week as he said he was too tired so I asked if we could make en effort Saturday morning as we both had the day off - he made out he was really keen on the idea. Saturday morning arrived and I tried to initiate and got no response at all. I assumed he needed a lie in - an hour or so later I tried again, still no response. He just kept saying he was "still waking up". It got to 11am and I just got up as half the day was gone. It makes me feel like crying.

So - again it's been a while. I tried to initiate a couple of nights ago and he said he was too tired so I cheerfully said "ok, Friday I'm off work and you finish at 11.30, maybe we could try and make time for each other in the afternoon?" He again seemed keen. Well, that afternoon is today and as I've said, he's spent it playing grand theft auto on his own.

I know it's not nice to be nagged for sex and I've backed off a lot these past few months but all that's done is more or less put a complete stop to our sex life.

I'm 10 years younger than him (although he's only 45) and I feel so unattractive and unwanted. It's making me paranoid. Wouldn't be so bad if he said "I'm not really in the mood for sex but lets go and see a movie together/go out for dinner) but he doesn't.

7 months into marriage and I'm lonely :-(

MadMadDonna Fri 11-Nov-16 15:35:33

Oh you poor thing. I don't know what to suggest other than you ask him about it and try to get to the bottom of it. you can't go on like it though, as you know. and you're both young, I hope you can sort something out.

Twalls Fri 11-Nov-16 15:46:08

I've tried talking to him, he just says "that's not true" or "well you've not been interest in sex either lately" - which is how he interprets me backing off with the initiating. See it got to the point that I knew full well he was only having sex because he knew he'd rejected me a lot and he felt like he had to do his 'chore' so it was a huge turn off anyway.

He doesn't seem able to discuss it, just constantly says he disagrees with what I'm saying so we get nowhere.

I've suggested stopping drinking on a weekend (he refused saying he needs to unwind after a week at work), going to bed earlier (he declines saying he likes to watch the news etc) - I just feel like I'm on my own with this. He isn't bothered.

Snowflakes1122 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:05:11

How are things other than the sex life?
Is he affectionate and attentive?

Is it possible there are other issues that could be causing this? Work stress for example. Perhaps it's even a physical issue of low testosterone and he's embarrassed.

I'm sorry op, this must be so upsetting for you.

Squeegle Fri 11-Nov-16 16:07:25

I'm sorry. He sounds rather selfish to me. Presumably he wasn't always like this? He sounds a bit depressed really.

easterholidays Fri 11-Nov-16 16:15:49

Oh OP you poor thing, I've been where you are and I know how hideous and isolating it is, especially if your friends and family all assume you're still in the first flush of marital bliss.

How long have things been like this? Did anything change to prompt him to start behaving differently, or does this go back a long time?

He does sound depressed. Do you think he is? Is there any chance he'd consider couples counselling? If not, you would still benefit from getting some by yourself, because at the moment you're fighting a solitary battle which is super stressful.

(Sorry, lots of questions.)

Bluntness100 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:16:35

Ok this isn't good,

First off can I ask, and no one flame me, you haven't let yourself go and are making an effort with uour appearance?

Second, when uou say it's been awhile, how long is that? I read it's only a week or two?

Thirdly, if it's been much longer and uou haven't suddenly gained 4 stone and stopped washing uour hair or something, then it's just something with him and uou need to let him work his way through it, without pressure. Maybe a few drinks with him, a good night out, a few laughs, might help?

WLF46 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:17:52

I think I posted on another thread of yours (about cleaning) that you should cut him some slack. Basically I was trying to look for the best in him, that it was a one-off and that he was just relaxing after work and might help out later. Apologies if I'm confusing you with someone else.

But anyway... he sounds very disinterested in general. Not just with you, but in life. Computer games are often a way to escape reality, but to the extent that one prefers that reality and forgets what they have in the real world.

Is it possible that he has some kind of erectile dysfunction? Or that he's scared that he can't please you, to the extent that he is too afraid to even try? And (I can't phrase this very delicately) does he, erm, "relieve himself" on his own? Pornography can become addictive to the extent that it becomes impossible to enjoy actual sex in the real world. The reason I mention that is that it would fit in with the escapism of playing Grand Theft Auto. In any case it is easier to rely on a fictional world of a videogame, and the fictional world of pornography, because the user is in control of their world and there is no danger of them disappointing someone or getting hurt (in their fictional world).

I can't offer you any proper advice I'm afraid other than to try not to lose your self confidence over this. It may be worth speaking to a doctor if you can face that - you don't need to tell your partner the real reason you are going there. If your partner's apparent disinterest is psychological (which I suspect it is, but I'm obviously not a doctor and what the hell do I know!), a doctor may be able to offer you some advice.

It's very easy for relationships to drift into a kind of stagnation. It becomes "normal" to not have sex, not to go out together, etc. etc. It's kind of like a bad habit which builds gradually over time, and like any bad habit it can be unlearnt. It takes time though.

I'm sorry if this post of mine is no help whatsoever. I've got theories as to what is happening but don't know what to say to actually help. That's why I think speaking to your doctor is the way forward. They won't be able to solve it in a ten minute appointment but they may be able to give you some suggestions or put you through to a specialist.

I hope it works out for you. But you need to remember the positives about you and not let your partner define you. That's not easy I know.

Twalls Fri 11-Nov-16 16:22:44

He doesn't have errectile disfunction, when I initiate he becomes 'hard' almost straight away but has no desire to actually do anything with it.

I've not let myself go either, in fact quite the opposite. I've stopped drinking, lost almost a stone in weight and have been taking much more pride in my clothes and appearance. Not that he notices however.

He won't entertain the idea of counselling or gp. Won't admit that he's depressed - he simply says there is nothing wrong and it's all in my head

Birdsgottafly Fri 11-Nov-16 16:36:11

I posted on your other thread that he needs to see himself as an equally responsible adult.

Now he needs to be told that there is something wrong. He doesn't get to say that everything's ok, he isn't the Master of all he surveys.

Your not happy, this will build up and it'll destroy you.

Would you ever end your marriage, or would you stay as things are?

If you would end it, then it's ultimatums and timescales.

It should be a discussion, but he doesn't think how you feel, is important, so that's ruled out.

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