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Messy divorce or still hung up over his ex?

(75 Posts)
GeordieBadgers Fri 11-Nov-16 14:48:54

My DP (of 9 months) is going through a divorce at the moment. They split up March 2015. He has one DD6. I have 2DC (6&4). Everyone gets on like a house. Really nice family atmosphere. My problem is that his ex is constantly a part of our lives (I'm talking, daily). If he's not mentioning her, he's texting her over dinner (while we're actually sitting in a restaurant) and her stuff is still all over his home. Her underwear is here. Her dresses are here. Her cosmetics are here. Sometimes he even encourages me to use them. Just this morning he was hunting through her dresses commenting about which ones would suit me and telling me to wear them. Even pulling out thongs and swimming suits.

Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel like an accessory to his life, like he would have her back in a heartbeat (but she doesn't want to be with him anymore). Now, please bare in mind, I have borderline personality disorder and am apt to easily feel abandoned so that might be one reason why I'm feeling scared. I also have issues with my weight (major problems with over-eating, starvation, body perception) so bare that in mind.

Here's the spiel:

I've met his ex once. She seems bland but skinny. Completely different body type to me: willowy, taller than me, small frame. Even if I starved myself for weeks I'd never be able to mimic it. So on this ground, I feel a disappointment/downgrade. Today he called her "beautiful and slim".

Next thing: He's in court quite often. AFAIK his ex has filed for a non-molestation order and an occupation order. He says this is because she's poor (she is) and wants his money/house. He has showed me witness statements written by her and I noticed in them she accuses him of harrassing her and states that he keeps asking for her to return to him ("Are you fed up with independent living and ready to come home?"). He denies saying this.

She has phoned the police on him a few times. Once because he bumped into her in town and she thought he was stalking her. Other times because he parks on her street (he claims this is because the location is handy and city centre parking is otherwise difficult). They are constantly bickering over numerous things: childcare arrangements, stealing their kid's clothes from each other.

Another thing that triggered me recently (TMI): He likes blowjobs (which man doesn't?) but I find it difficult to deliver them because he has A LOT of precum (I gag). When I explained this, he said his ex didn't have a problem with it. So now I feel as though I am letting him down there.

My own divorce is not messy. My ex and I are amicable, so all this bitterness is new to me.

My question is: AIBU to feel uneasy? Is all this normal proceedings for a divorce?

GeordieBadgers Fri 11-Nov-16 14:52:24

By the way, I could be pregnant. This is a mess.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 11-Nov-16 14:53:18

Run!

When I got a non-mol against ex it wasn't easy to do by any means I had evidence and a day in court where the judge went thro each allegation line by line to ascertain whether it was needed.

And constantly comparing you to his ex, wanting you to wear her clothes! Yuck No!

I bagged up all ex's clothes and handed them to him, why does he not return her things or her?

He sounds creepy. Get out whilst you can.

GeordieBadgers Fri 11-Nov-16 14:55:01

fuzzywuzzy thanks for replying. She's filed for one but it hasn't been processed yet.

And constantly comparing you to his ex, wanting you to wear her clothes! Yuck No!

I know right? What on earth could this be about?

toolonglurking Fri 11-Nov-16 14:56:42

Trying to get to to wear his Ex's clothes and underwear!?

RUN.

Gizlotsmum Fri 11-Nov-16 15:01:14

Honestly.. he is making you feel shit why stay? I would guess he isn't over his ex... but even if he was this is not a good relationship for you

GeordieBadgers Fri 11-Nov-16 15:02:48

I'm hearing run, but could anyone share some opinions on why he might be acting this way? My BPD makes me reluctant to trust my own instincts.

When he said she was beautiful and slim I instinctively poured a can of coke over him. Then he threw me out the house and said I need to see a doctor because I'm a psycho.

donajimena Fri 11-Nov-16 15:03:05

I'd have gone by now. He sounds unhinged. I think you mean very little to him and are being used to TRY to make his ex jealous

GeordieBadgers Fri 11-Nov-16 15:07:10

He's been actively trying to get me pregnant though, which suggests he sees a future with me.

He is lovely towards me sometimes.

Cherylene Fri 11-Nov-16 15:13:40

What is he doing giving you his ex's clothes and underwear and make-up - why the hell hasn't he bagged it up and given it back or chucked it???

Definitely run. Fast. If you might be pregnant, run faster whilst you can.

Cherylene Fri 11-Nov-16 15:14:36

He is lovely towards me sometimes. Sometimes is no where near enough.

stitchglitched Fri 11-Nov-16 15:15:16

What are you doing risking pregnancy with this man? You already have children to consider who could probably do without their Mum having a baby with some creep who is being taken to court for stalking his ex.

Sounds like she was desperate to get away from him if she left half her belongings behind and is going the court route to occupy the house without him.

He sounds obsessed with her and wanting you to wear her clothes is just creepy. Why are you with him?

lalalalyra Fri 11-Nov-16 15:20:22

He's obsessed with his ex. It sounds like he's trying to make you more like her by grinding you down and making you self conscious. If you are pregnant he may think that gives you less chance to leave.

Run. Seriously run. Before you are completely worn down and are the one needing a non mol order

Ouriana Fri 11-Nov-16 15:24:01

XDH is still a close friend and is a part of my life. We text daily.

What you are describing is not the same thing, this guy sounds so wrong. Its an attempt to put you down with comparisons to the ex and also to control you by getting you pregnant.

She left him, so he has found someone who is emotionally vunerable and will destroy her self esteem and confidence and trap her completely.

He also seems to have control issues with his ex, why is he keeping her stuff and parking on her street? That is not normal. She has filed a non-mol order so why is he texting her daily?

Do not doubt yourself. This is him, not you.

Run.

Neefs Fri 11-Nov-16 15:29:29

Agree with pp he doesn't want you, he wants his X. This isn't anything to do with you OP, not how you look or anything. He sounds all wrong and I agree that you should RUN

ratspeaker Fri 11-Nov-16 15:30:56

If he was such a nice guy why did she leave without her clothes, without her underwear?
Surely he could have bagged up and returned these before now , especially as he seems to be in her street so often, rather than asking his new girlfriend to wear them. Eww btw.

Goingtobeawesome Fri 11-Nov-16 15:36:06

Or not so much seeing a future with you as wanting to tie you to him.

Run. Get a pregnancy test.

Nanny0gg Fri 11-Nov-16 15:37:23

What on earth is wrong with you?

Why are you exposing your children to this creep and why are you trying to get pregnant by him?

Why do you need explanations?

And if he's texting her daily and she's trying to take out a non-molestation order who do you think is in the wrong here?

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 11-Nov-16 15:42:59

He is still obsessed with her and stalking her and she is attempting to get a court order against him.

He is using you to try to make her jealous. If she was to say "yes I'll come back" you know you'd be straight out.

Does he even know your pregnant? If not, I suspect he will want you to keep that quiet.

Just get out while you can.

JustSpeakSense Fri 11-Nov-16 15:43:27

Run for the hills! Now

QueenofallIsee Fri 11-Nov-16 15:47:33

For Gods sake woman, you know yourself what you need to do. It shouldn't matter a shiny shit if he is still into her or not, what matters is there is a very good chance he is a stalking, control freak bastard who makes YOU feel like crap.

Get out. Now.

acatcalledjohn Fri 11-Nov-16 15:47:51

He's been actively trying to get me pregnant though, which suggests he sees a future with me.

No!

Given the red flags from all the court action and his behaviour around her possessions, I'd say he's trying to trap you. He can't let her go, so chances are he's trying very hard to never let you go either.

You need to run. Fast & far!

flowers

ratspeaker Fri 11-Nov-16 15:49:09

Thats really worrying, you saying he's lovely to me sometimes
A good partner would be lovely all of the time, give or take a few niggles.

Trifleorbust Fri 11-Nov-16 15:49:52

Fairly consistent with the advice here, OP - run like the wind.

AyeAmarok Fri 11-Nov-16 15:50:02

Whaaaaaat.

He sounds unhinged.

Why has he kept her clothes, why has he not just returned her belongings to her.

Why are you letting him "try and get you pregnant"?

Come on OP. Give your head a wobble!

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