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To cut my dad out of my life?

(6 Posts)
welltakeitaway Fri 11-Nov-16 13:56:26

My dad and I have a bad relationship. Since having my DC things have improved a little. There has always been little comments over the years either about me or my kids which have upset me but I've tried to ignore him and move on. He doesn't care about anyone's feelings, is rude to everyone but try's to justify this by saying " he tells it how it is" but most of the stuff he says is just toxic and vile!
Last night he was speaking to my DS on the phone he is 7 but doesn't like talking on the phone but still said he would say hello how are you etc basically keeping it short. My dad decided to hang up the phone and when I tried calling back ignored my calls. Today I go to his house as I do most days he comes home and starts shouting at me saying he will not speak to my son anymore on the phone because he can't be bothered to talk to him and is wasting his time! He then goes on to call him brain dead and a wimp! DS IS an emotional child but not a wimp nor is he Braindead! I called him toxic and walked out off his house. I am angry and upset and right now I do not want to see this man any more especially not to have my DC's around him! The problem is my mum I feel so bad for her I will tell her everything before she goes home tonight and she won't say anything to him or take any sides she doesn't have a good relationship with him either. My kids adore their grandparents especially their grandmother who is the most loveliest woman ever. she loves them so much I would never stop them from seeing her but I feel she would get the stick so to speak if I stopped my dad seeing them. I don't want to make her life difficult or cause her anymore stress then she is under already but surely I have to protect my DC's from this toxic man who they love? This is not the first time he has said stuff about my DC's he always comments on them and me. He works but has never had friends hates anyone having a life and spends his spare time watching discovery channel smoking cigarettes eating sweets and doing absolutely nothing else, he has no relationship with any family members apart from his own mother that's it. Has offended so many off my friends for no reason over the years and I have always apologised for his shitty behaviour and rudeness, he has no respect for me as a mother either and always ignores my requests to not give the children X y and z.
AIBU to just never return to his house? And cut him out off our lives completely?

Nanny0gg Fri 11-Nov-16 13:58:30

No. You would not be U in the slightest.

MatildaTheCat Fri 11-Nov-16 14:24:41

Tricky but only because this could mean that you can't see your lovely mum. He will almost certainly want her to take his side and if she's still with him after what you've said here, she probably won't leave or defy him now.

Can you have a quiet word with your mum and try to arrange to see her alone without actually telling him you don't want to see him? And obviously keep your DC away from him as much as possible and never, ever let them see him alone.

What a nasty man.

krustykittens Fri 11-Nov-16 14:36:26

Both my parents are toxic and abusive and I cut off contact with them three months ago. It's really hard, I cried a lot, I felt so guilty and I have been having therapy. But it's wonderful to be free of their poison, I can't quite believe that we never have to listen to their abuse and their spite ever again. I do wonder what other people would think of me though, it seems to be one of the last taboos to not speak to your parents, I wonder if people would think I was an awful person? But I would do it. My kids are older and I am sorry I ever subjected them to my parents.

welltakeitaway Fri 11-Nov-16 14:52:52

I think that may be a good solution Matilda. I shall try to talk to her alone once I've calmed down. Few hours have gone by and I'm still shaking I'm so angry and upset. Kids adore him but I feel my DS has started to realise what he is like. He hasn't had them alone for a long time now as he was talking bitching about me to them. Fortunately my DS told me everything he said as soon as they got home. It's going to be hard on the DC not seeing him but it looks like it's the only way.

MadJeffBarn Fri 11-Nov-16 15:39:39

I haven't spoken to my dad for nearly two years and it's probably the best thing I've ever done. He was also toxic. He left my mum for another woman when I was 18, my sisters were 15 and 12. He couldn't understand why we were upset, tried to force us to have a relationship with his girlfriend, and when that didn't work threw strops and huffs. He would make us think his affair was our fault, even though he (and my mum in fairness) both were having affairs during my teenage years. When I was 15 I self harmed and my teacher referred me to a councillor who told me to keep a diary. In it i spoke about suspicions I had about an affair my dad was having with his boss amongst other things (like my depression and the fact I was harming myself and feeling suicidal, and a rape when I was 11) and the only part my dad was worried about was the fact I knew about the affair and told me not to tell my mum. And I know damn well he read it all, he was far too nosy not too (I found software on my pc that was saving all my online conversations!) He was toxic with my mum and middle sister, who was the first to cut her off. Me and my youngest sister tried really hard to keep a relationship going, especially when my daughter came along, but he just acted like spending time with us was a chore. I stopped texting to arrange meet ups and, as I suspected, I haven't heard from him since.
My life is now much less stressful. Sure I love him and feel sad I don't have him in my life but I know it wouldn't be good for my children to have a grandad come in and out of their lives as he pleases.

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