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Is this a best friend?

(12 Posts)
babayjane67 Fri 11-Nov-16 10:52:32

I will try not to make this too long.
Some background I've known my best friend for over 40 yrs.we didon't really get on that we'll when we were kids.she would hide from me if I called for her especially if she had another friend there.that sort of thing.
Fast forward to when my 2 kids were growing up i got to know her again& we became close friends seeing each other with the kids every wkend when my marriage broke up.she got me into drinking& it became a prob for me.I was never very good in social situations& drinking helped at least to start with.anyway few yrs ago I met my now partner& since then we've had a child& I've stopped the drinking all together really.I don't spend half as much time with friend as I used to.she hardly bothers with my child never comes to visit us but then very rarely did. I always went to hers.
Anyway I'm now a nanny to 2 beautiful girls who I love dearly along with my daughter their mum.few days ago we had a disagreement as she let her eldest Dd age 6 have her ears pierced& I told her I didnt agree with it as I think she's too young yet.I'd never tell my granddaughter I didn't like it obviously.
My daughter got angry with me about it made an argument out of it. ( shes not afraid to tell me her opinion on anything she doesnt agree with!)anyway I said we will have to agree to disagree& left it like that.I never heand anything else from her then couple of hrs later she put a foto on social media of her youngest Dd who's a yr old fast sleep with a stick on earring on!! Now I know my best friend& friends sis were with them when my gd had this done& knowing what she's like I know it was probably her idea for my daughter to put the stick on earring on cuz she knew it would get to me&they were expecting a reaction.they didon't get it! I just liked the photo& left it like that but I was fuming at how childish& pathetic it was just to try getting a reaction!! I'm entitled to my opinions same as they or anyone else is! !
My partner thinks the same.I haven't said anything to either my dd or my friend& my dd& I are now ok again.in fact I'm buying my gd a jewellery box& couple of pairs ofor earrings for Christmas.
It's just that this best friend had a manipulative influence over me yrs ago& now it seems shes doing same with my dd.
Aibu?
Sorry fir long post but wanted to get it all out!!

MrsHathaway Fri 11-Nov-16 10:55:30

She's not a friend.

But goodness me you're putting two and two together and getting forty-six. The photo probably has nothing to do with "friend" or indeed you. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I told her I didnt agree with it as I think she's too young yet.I'd never tell my granddaughter I didn't like it obviously. My daughter got angry with me about it made an argument out of it. ( shes not afraid to tell me her opinion on anything she doesnt agree with!)

She gets it from you, clearly grin

Be careful that your remarks are constructive and loving. Your daughter may think you're constantly criticising her - you can avoid this by making sure you praise as often as you can and make sure when you disagree you do so lovingly.

babayjane67 Fri 11-Nov-16 11:23:13

I do praise her.she's a wonderful mum& I tell her that.her& my son in law are great parents.
It prob sounds paranoid or whatever but I know what this friend can& has been like.
Yea she prob doEs get it from me as I've got it from my mum.though it's perhaps not ALWAYS a good thing I don't see it as a bad one either.ppl should be allowed to express their views&opinions even in families.of always used to be very quiet wouldntime say boo to a goose bout anything or anyone. Wouldn't express myself either way&I'd get walked all over.Im not gonna be like that anymore&don't want any of my kids&grand kids to be either!
I am& have been distancing myself from my friend for a while now but she's still very intertwined with my dds life&her sis(I have another adult dd too)along with other members of her family.she likes to be included in every thing they do especially my eldest Dd as she has the kids.she hates being left out of anything.so it's very difficult.

Iwannabelikecommonpeople Fri 11-Nov-16 11:55:51

Find this post hard to understand. sorry.

babayjane67 Fri 11-Nov-16 12:27:50

Prob the predictive tx even tho I did check it first.sorry

Mollymoo78 Fri 11-Nov-16 15:10:09

I understand that someone who you had chosen to remove from your life is still having influence over your loved ones. That must be deeply frustrating and upsetting. You can't have a discussion with your daughters without this woman getting wind of it. I don't know if you were being deliberately provoked here or not but it is clear that you feel she is to blame for a lot of things and you have always mistrusted her.

However, your mental wellbeing and your relationship with your daughters are what really matters now. You realise now that in expressing your opinions to your daughter about her parenting you risk alienating her so hold back in future unless it's necessary.

As for this woman - don't give her too much importance in your life. Ignore her and don't respond to things like the Facebook post. It's not worth your energy and you will drive yourself mad. She may influence your daughters but she doesn't have to influence you anymore. It's good that you stand up for yourself nowadays but sometimes putting yourself first can also mean leaving the rubbish outside your door and not letting it bring you down. She is what she is and won't change but you can change how much of your headspace she occupies and it sounds like she's getting more of that right now than she deserves!

hmcAsWas Fri 11-Nov-16 15:14:28

Well then, you haven't tried very hard have you Iwannabelikecommonpeople

Tissunnyupnorth Fri 11-Nov-16 15:39:55

I don't understand why your friend (so similar age?) is hanging about with your daughter & grand daughter?

Bluntness100 Fri 11-Nov-16 15:45:33

I would not assume this is all about uou, they may have just been messing round following the fact the daughter had her ears pierced. Assuming it's all about uou I think is s bit much. I'm not saying it's not, but I am saying uou are making a huge leap here with nothing to back it up, especially in deciding uour friend is to blame.

Katinkka Fri 11-Nov-16 15:47:27

What?

babayjane67 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:00:59

That's why I just liked the photo Mollymoo & left it at that.I knew it was to try get me to bite.
Tiss she is a yr older than me at 51 in Jan.
It's just how she is.she loves being around the kids always has& gets bit jealous/feels left out if she's not included in stuff they're doing.won't ever admit that tho.there's lots of things she's done that'd take all nite to go into!

babayjane67 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:16:27

40 yrs of knowing her BluntNess what she's like is what I'm backing it up with.
I have been wondering lately if praps I'm too involved with my older kids lives.it's been good fortnight or more since weve seen them.I'm not round there all the time or anything.I do feel pangs of envy/jealousy when I see or hear that they're going out together some where& I& my youngest Dd who's 7 aren't invited.
My friend is also good at gloating to me bout time she's spent with them when I haven't too.which of course she doesn't admit or see as gloating but definitely is!!
My mum agrees that the friend is manipulative&always has been.I don't know!I prob am giving her too much head space.

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