Not to want to give my sister a penny...?

[MargaretElsie]

I have a sister who is five years younger than me.
She is shocking with money. Despite earning around £40k is always in the red, has borrowed (and not paid back) money off our mum, grandparents and brother along with my dad - this comes to over £15000, over a long period of time. During the time I have been living near her, she has had over seven new cars, lots of holidays and mini breaks and frequently 'treats' herself (expensive to maintain hairstyles, new outfits, beauty treatments etc.) Despite the impression I am probably giving, she is actually great in most ways but awful with money. Nobody can discuss it with her without tears and shouting and inevitable door slamming so it's now pretty much ignored.

She lives in a small rented house with her DH and twins (her credit rating is such than she was turned down for a mortgage on a £100k house and her husband is bankrupt) after being evicted from a large one she could not afford and is very resentful of the fact that me and DH have managed to buy two houses with the money we made from selling up in London.

We also (we moved back to Yorkshire) have quite a lot in the bank which we plan to use for any work we may need to do on the places we buy or just simply to keep in an account as a backup. My sister knows what we sold our house for, and what we have bought the two subsequent one's with and so know's roughly what we have in the bank.

Now she is dropping more and more hints about deposits and how they 'will never own our own home.' She appears to think that the house buying system is stacked against her rather than she is in the position she is in due to her awful spending (she is now 40, but has been like this ever since she turned 18.)

I don't want to get into a proper discussion with her about it as it will end in high drama (otherwise talking about it would sound the most sensible approach) but I do not think that she deserves yet another helping hand, even if we do have plenty of money in the bank (for the first time ever, I might add!)

She has had plenty of help, and never learns from her previous mistakes. She also earns enough, even without including her DH who also works albeit for less money, to surely be able to live well but also save for the future. I also think that she needs to learn herself and take responsibility.

AIBU?

[RougeSeas]

Yanbu.. By a mile.

Don't lend or give her your money

[fuzzywuzzy]

I wouldn't do it no. She not asking you to lend her money she's asking you to give her your money.

Ignore hints. Change the subject.

If your sister is as bad with money as you say and so is her husband any new house will also be repossessed it's only a matter of time.

I totally wouldn't do it.

[MummyStep123]

Don't think you ABU, she's not homeless and not your responsibility.

[basketoffreshveg]

I don't really understand the part about being turned down for a mortgage, sorry.

[theclick]

Don't do it.

A - it clearly won't be a loan, you will never see that money again.

B - she will never learn if she is constantly bailed out.

[pinkyredrose]

Don't give her a penny. You made your choices and she made hers. Being helped out in the past didn't do her any favours. She needs to find some responsibility but it's not your job to do that. Don't throw good money after bad, it never ends well.

[YouTheCat]

YANBU

[MargaretElsie]

Thanks for the replies.

Basketoffreshveg the mortgage part was to illustrate that her credit rating was so bad that they cannot get a mortgage on a very cheap house. Sorry if I wasn't clear!

[honeysucklejasmine]

Nope. Definitely no.

[Lanaorana1]

Tell her you've put it away for your old age. But remember that if you don't help, you can't bitch about her - otherwise you'll just sound awful.

[MargaretElsie]

While it's always nice to hear I really am NBU, I am relieved that there isn't a 'well, she's your sister you should help' undertone.

[JaniceBattersby]

Absolutely 100 per cent no fucking way. You're just another mark.

Unless she's in the actual gutter I wouldn't be giving her any money (and it would be giving, not lending, let's face it) and even then it would only be enough for a deposit on a rental.

Someone has to stop the cycle.

[Lunde]

She sounds very entitled that she can have a house without any effort and keep all of her "treats"

She hasn't repaid the family £15K so wont repay you - so steer clear

[Guavaf1sh]

YANBU

[Nicketynac]

Could you tell her it is invested in bonds or something long term and you can't access it? Depends if you want to avoid confrontation rather than just saying no...

[MargaretElsie]

Janice stopping the cycle is a great way of putting it! I said as much to my mother when she ended up bailing her out the other month (her car had an issue with it and she didn't have the money to fix it, but needs it to get to work.)

The £15k has been over almost 20 years by the way, not all at once, but the amount that has never been paid back is that much

[basketoffreshveg]

Well, mortgages are partly credit and partly earnings so if you think of it in terms of a £100,000 loan it's not surprising is it?

I hate to sound contentious though OP but you do sound rather pleased with yourself.

Of course you aren't BU but then don't rub it in her face either.

[flipsahoy]

She has a bad credit rating and her husband's bankrupt? Even if you gave them the deposit I doubt any bank would lend them the rest.

[MargaretElsie]

I have so far ignored the hints but I am reluctant to invent reasons as to why I cannot help, although a bit too much of a wuss to just tell her too!

[JellyBelli]

YANBU. It would be like giving crack to a crack addict. Dont do it. You cant fix addicts and they will take you down with them.
If you do help or support them ,do so in such a way that they cant hurt you. Dont every feel bad about protecting yourself from that kind of harm.
Its sad but she is an adult and making her own choices.

[kath6144]

No you are not being unreasonable.

Her financial problems are not your problem, she is a grown up and can make her own decisions on what to spend her earnings on, as you do.

Just do not get into any conversations with her about money. Simple as that. Ignore her constant moaning about not getting on the housing ladder, its not your fault.

My DB has never worked, is as lazy as they come, his wife does but they couldnt afford to buy anything until my mum ended up giving them money (after a lot of emotional blackmail on his part). He was furious when I found out 3 yrs later as she then gave me similar, which reduced his eventual inheritence.

He has never asked me for money, he knows it would fall on deaf ears, but he does make snide remarks about everyone in the family having nice lives and more money than him. Well maybe because we all work, instead of sitting on our backsides for last 40yrs.

Everyone makes their own bed, your sister could have a house, she just chooses to spend her money on other priorities!

[MargaretElsie]

Flips she said they had to have at least 18 months of squeaky clean credit rating, once they had paid off debts, and then they could reapply. I don't know too much about mortgages to know whether they would then be successful

[MargaretElsie]

Kath that sounds infuriating! Thing is, my sister works her arse off - she leaves at 6ish and is rarely back by 7pm, she often does extra (NHS) shifts too. I think that's almost why she spends how she does, she works hard so she wants to spend it. However, this has meant that she has nothing permanent (she works agency so also has no pension.) I can't get my head around it at all!

[GiantHulkHands]

It's hard when it's family and money.

I think you should stick to facts and those are that the money is yours, she is not entitled to it and you don't have to discuss it further.

Let her bitch about it if she wants but remember to stay calm and perhaps ask If you can talk about something else?

[Lorelei76]

Yanbu
My ex had a sibling like this, he got to 45 taking loans from ex and parents and spent it on stuff. Then ex and parents cut the supply, he turned out to have shit loads of debt, along with his wife. Then there was a crisis conference but in the end ex and parents realised that they'd end up paying for those children if they loaned money again.

I used to work two jobs, spending is like giving away that hard work. Tell her to pay herself first, not shops!