AIBU.. Friend issues.(19 Posts)
I have name changed but been here a long time.
I have a 'friend' , we met through the kids school and very quickly became very close friends. We just seemed to click together and it was amazing
I am a very loyal person, when I'm your friend there's nothing that comes in between it and if i am giving 100% i expect it back.
My DD has been bullied for a long time, we had an issue where we had made plans for us to distract her from something she had been left out of and i was so grateful she was going to go against the grain and be there for us.
However, she lied to me and my dd ended up missing out, it was very hurtful, and made me see her in a different light.
She had been through a rought time with fertility issues and i was always knocking at the door whenever she needed me, i would have her dd for her and go cook her dinner whenever she couldn't cope with daily life.
Unfortunately for me, she started to be with another crowd of people and i ended up shoved to the side. Was always the last option or whenever she didn't have anyone else i would hear from her.
So i backed off... About 8 months later she got back in touch, was super apologetic about how things went and wanted our friendship back so we started seeing each other more and she was keen to be together as we were before...
( sorry this is long!) a few months in she needs a favour.. Involving me (probably the only person she knew could help) storing her good in my garage so she didn't have to pay storage for a year whilst they saved for a place. So i agreed, then I would say things like lets go to a class together, lets go out, lets do this or that and it was always met with a no or a sorry i can't then yet again i see that she's doing these things with others and leaving me out.
Recently i have been going through a very very traumatic time, things this week are pretty horrific and me and my husband are really really struggling with recent events (a bereavement marred with a deep rooted rift)
Friend.. Did the usual oh so sorry, here if u need anything... Followed by what a horrific time she is having after asking what's wrong i got no where.
So I've now asked for her things to go as we need the space due to current events, but i feel now this is the end of the road for the pathetic friendship which was pretty much me being a mug / go to / available when required.
Aibu? I don't know... Things are really shite and I think I'm finding it worse as I know what i did when she was at rock bottom.
I'm sorry if you're bored to tears... I needed to write something out.
I think it sounds like it's time to call it quits.
I'd do the same as you.
It all sounds very intense, really full on. I think friendships like that are unlikely to work long term as the expectations are just too high. She hasn't acted as you would want her to, but tbh it sounds like you are wanting more than most people would give. Just because you were there for her every step of the way, doesn't mean that she is able to do the same.
You do sound very possessive of her and the friendship and that is never going to work.
Yanbu. It certainly sounds like a very one sided friendship with you giving and her taking the piss, frankly.
Sorry to hear that you're having a shitty time, unfortunately it is often in the worst times that people you thought you should be able to rely on, really let you down and show their true colours. It would appear that this person is only interested in what you can do for her. While that's rather sad, at the very least, now you know. No one needs that kind of person in their lives, especially when going through a tough time.
Do you have any other support around you? People whom you can rely on?
BTW I don't think she is acting in a good way now. I just wonder if it has reached that point because you were too intense.
I know what you mean storm,
And it does read that way, but i never put my feelings / expectations out there for her to get that impression.
I keep things very close to my chest
Cut your losses and get away from her, she doesn't sound very nice at all x
Not U at all. She's a user. Let her store her shit somewhere else!
I dont think you are possesive at all, you acted on assumption that you are close friends. Which you're not it seems. It is the end of the road though, she is not worth it.
YANBU, I get what you mean by loyalty. Its not he same as possessiveness. Its time to move on.
"but tbh it sounds like you are wanting more than most people would give."
that doesn't wash if the "friend" has been doing lots of "taking" and the OP just seems to want the friend to give a little back
Been there OP, recently actually.. last time said friend invited me out for a drink (after ages of similar to what you describe - asking me for favours but never considering me an A list friend when it comes to anything social).. anyway, I was getting really fed up of getting calls for babysitting and lifts but if I asked a favour she wouldn't go out of her way, and despite how we always "must go out for drinks soon" I was never invited when drinks happen..
.. anyway, she invited me, and it was nice, and I was telling myself off for being "needy" when actually she'ld just been busy.. then she dropped into conversation that she'd fallen out with her main drinks buddy…
.. that was it my heart sank, and I was done! I'm done! I just knew that as soon as they made up or someone else fun came along I wouldn't be invited on any more drinks and would just get calls for favours.
I'm like you. I will be loyal to the end of the earth, but fuck me over, and it is over. Once she betrayed you over your daughter's bullying , then friendship over.
It sounds to me that while the friendship was useful to her,she took what she needed.
Then, when she got her needs met elsewhere, or they changed, she moved on.
In the same light, you need to move on and leave her behind. Ask her to move her stuff. Be polite, don't engage, just tell her.
Fucking hell yuck sorry you've had the same issue..
1St class friend, that's a good way to think of it actually. Something I'm obviously not to her.
Yes I'm sensitive, i love with my last breath but actually I'm a really nice person... <vom> have really had enough
Now i feel shit because where is she gonna put it.. Maybe my problem is that i think shr is my problem.
Wish i could come across people with the same feelings of loyalty.
My grandma is always baffled now how my generation is always at an argument with each other, in her day friends were friends no matter what.
I should have left things before. I guess i hoped there was something i could salvage
Hugs OP, I've recently been in a similar ish situation. I get asked and asked for favours. I get ignored, then get asked favours.
The turning point was when this woman who's children is taken care of multiple times, id lent her money. Done so much for this woman, even took her child in after having an accident, out with her friends- hadn't bothered to check whether my DD would want to go out, but anyway. This woman saw my daughter alone, crying in th school playground.
DD should have been at after school club, she thought I was collecting her.
She didn't even check that my daughter was ok.. she saw me. Told me DD was there.
I felt that was the last straw. I've since seen her and "didn't see her!" Which is what she's done to me several times until she needs a favour.
Which was fine, until we started to get rainy/cold weather. Now who's asking me to look after one of the kids so she doesn't need to take them to the school with her? Or who is just so ill they can't walk the kids to school? I could give them all a lift, couldn't I?!
I've until now just ignored the calls and texts, but soon enough I will say, why do you feel you can ask me for favours all the time? I've never asked anything of you.
Yanbu. As to where she can put her stuff, she can rent a storage unit.
Yanbu. I was already believing she was a user half way through your op. By the end it was a certainty. Sorry you gave so much and got shafted in return, it's unfair and frustrating.
Best to be rid of her.
I agree with Stormwhale. It does read as you being very intense in this friendship, in fact, to me, it read more like a romantic relationship than a friendship.
That's not to say that you are unreasonable to end the friendship if you're not happy with it, but maybe rather than ending it completely you could just be less available for this friend? Stop doing her favours until you're certain she's your friend because she likes you rather than to use you?
"I am a very loyal person, when I'm your friend there's nothing that comes in between it and if i am giving 100% i expect it back. "
Perhaps you have given too much too soon, and equally had too high expectations? If the friendship formed as quickly as you suggest, your level of involvement and expectations sound a bit unrealistic.
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