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To not let my DF bring sick friend to visit?

(93 Posts)
hateadulting Thu 10-Nov-16 21:18:27

This is a really tricky one as I desperately don't want to hurt my DF. He has been through a lot but he's quiet an unaware person and subtle hints don't work with him. We live about an hour away from each other and in general get along with him.

Lately he's been calling every Sunday morning to ask if he can bring an old family friend up to see us. Let's call old family friend Roger. Roger is the most forward, eccentric person I think I know. In general he's friends but he has neveer seemed quiet right to me. I started noticing when I was a teenager that he's extremely touchy feely. He'll constantly hug or hold me and want to kiss me. I don't know if this is normal as anyone who knows me is well aware that I dislike people being in my personal bubble. I'm just not very uncomfortable with it.

One thing I know for sure is not normal is that often when he hugs/ holds me he touches smacks my bum. I honestly feel sick typing this out and I'm panicking thinking I'm inevitably going to have to see him some time soon. I remember being an uncomfortable 10 year old and going to my room when he'd arrive as he'd comment on my legs if I was wearing shorts or whatever.

So far I've used excuses such as christenings and illnesses to avoid this. I feel terribly guilty and as if I'm letting my dad down. Apparently roger can't wait to see me again and meet my 22 month old DD. Roger has cancer and is getting treatment so I really feel as if I can't deny him seeing me for that reason!

Sorry this is so long. I just want to know if I'm being an horrible bitch for not letting a sick man visit and lying to my DF.

TaterTots Thu 10-Nov-16 21:21:36

What a horrible situation.

This sounds like an awful question, but how sick is he? Is this 'see him now or never' sick? If so it might be worth putting your father off and hoping it doesn't become an issue.

Smartleatherbag Thu 10-Nov-16 21:23:17

OP, you do not owe this guy anything. He is a creep. Being ill and elderly doesn't change that.
You do not have to see him.
We're groomed as little girl's to be nice and polite and quietly accept boundaries being crossed. You can stop now. flowers

ChasedByBees Thu 10-Nov-16 21:24:40

I think you have a right to stand your ground and not see someone who makes you so uncomfortable. Have you ever told your dad he is inappropriate?

hateadulting Thu 10-Nov-16 21:27:20

TaterTots afaik he's responding quiet well and is in a positive mind set but it is a bit early to know. I would never want to upset either of them and tell them the truth as he is going through a lot but I really feel terrible lying! sad

Note3 Thu 10-Nov-16 21:29:28

This sounds a horrible situation. I would feel duty bound to protect both myself and my DD from someone like that. I would make excuses to put off meeting him or if you were collared with a visit then have an excuse ready such as needing to leave for a HV appointment you forgot about then making yourself scarce for the rest of the day.

If pushed I would disclose some of these issues to your dad but I appreciate thus wouldn't be easy

BarbarianMum Thu 10-Nov-16 21:30:20

Sorry I don't see much of a dilemma here. However sick he is, you are under no obligation to see this man. Some people are 'touchy feely' without realising they're upsetting others, but being gropey and pervy too? No, he knew it was wrong and that you didn't like it - that probably added to the thrill angry.

Either keep making excuses to your dad or, better yet, tell him no and explain why not (you can be quite matter-of-fact about the explanation if you are worried about giving your dad a big guilt trip). But for God's sake don't meet the creep.

sunshinemeg Thu 10-Nov-16 21:30:55

If you aren't prepared to voice valid reasons to explain not wanting a visit, how about a blocking tactic? Be holding things when they arrive, sit on different sofa to him, blame a cold and not wanting to pass on germs to somebody with compromised immunity to staying other side of room?

TaterTots Thu 10-Nov-16 21:35:23

It's a difficult one. I know the question I asked sounded harsh, but my thinking was that if he hasn't got long to go, it might be worth letting your dad have his memories. However, this man has clearly made you feel very uncomfortable. If you're actively avoiding events because of him, you may have to bite the bullet and tell your dad.

BarbarianMum Thu 10-Nov-16 21:44:49

Seriously, you owe this man nothing. NOTHING. Certainly not access to your body, your daughter or your peace of mind.

NovemberInDailyFailLand Thu 10-Nov-16 21:47:32

I wouldn't want him near me or my DD.

RetroImp Thu 10-Nov-16 21:50:12

Trust your instincts! He sounds a perv who overstepped your boundaries as a kid. It is not ok to make sleazy remarks or sexualise a ten year old. You do not owe someone anything regardless how ill they are if they make you feel so uncomfortable. He touched you very inappropriately. His or your father's feelings do not override your own.

Lorelei76 Thu 10-Nov-16 21:52:10

I don't see a dilemma eithet
He's a nasty piece of work, he still will be when he's on his last breath.
Tell your dad you never want to see this guy again.

GinAndSonic Thu 10-Nov-16 21:55:18

If you can't bring yourself to tell your dad what he's like, tell him.your child is sick and therefore it's not safe for his immunocompromised friend to come visit as catching a cold or tummy but could be very serious for a person with cancer.
Repeat every time he tries to visit with him "oh dear, DD has another cold" "not today, DD was sick in the night"

ToothPowder Thu 10-Nov-16 21:57:36

What Barbarian said. You don't have to expose yourself or your daughter to this just for the sake of politeness. His illness is irrelevant. Tell your father upfront that you do not want that man in your house and why.

Neaders Thu 10-Nov-16 21:58:26

lol Roger the perv!
I would just let him visit but dont be alone with him.... if he acts inappropriately call him on it, your dad will then be aware. Hes an old man and maybe doesnt have much time left. Give him one more chance and if he blows it, then at least your conscience is clear.
I would be protective of DD while he is around all the same!

RepentAtLeisure Thu 10-Nov-16 21:58:48

Is it possible that he's pressuring your DF for a visit with you? Maybe your DF isn't too bothered either way?

But I'm sorry, illness doesn't mean he gets to do what he wants - especially now you have a young child. Just tell your DF no. You don't like the man, he makes you very uncomfortable, you DO NOT have to have him in your home. It's quite possible that he will feel that sickness means he's entitled to do what he likes. I just can't see any way you'll feel positive about this happening, but several ways you could be left feeling worse.

Pickthatup Thu 10-Nov-16 22:04:21

He groped you as a child and you think you owe him, you really don't. I've been in a similar situation and told my father. He still saw his friend but knew why I refused to. He groomed you. Imagine someone did that to your dd, is there any fucking way you'd let him in your house. The only person who let your dad down was his gropey friend. You're not seeing this situation rationally m'dear. Even if Roger isn't a little bit paedo and just catastrophically socially inappropriate the way you felt about it is what matters.

Lorelei76 Thu 10-Nov-16 22:07:08

OP how would you advise your dd in this?

YuckYuckEwwww Thu 10-Nov-16 22:07:48

If a bad person gets cancer, they're still a bad person, cancer doesn't make you a saint.

Cancer also doesn't make someone safe to be around. People can still do harm when they have cancer.

So just take cancer out of the equation because it changes nothing, it doesn't change the past and it doesn't change any risk he may pose in the present or the future

YouHadMeAtCake Thu 10-Nov-16 22:12:12

Cancer or not, I would not have him anywhere near me or the DC. You owe him nothing.

hateadulting Thu 10-Nov-16 22:14:21

So far I've used the excuse method and it doesn't seem to be working and lying is tiring so I'm going to have to talk to my dad and hopefully he'll understand me. I'm presuming he'll be devastated. Since Roger got sick my dad has been very emotionally invested with the situation.

A few pp asked if I ever brought it up with my dad before and I did but during arguments in my early 20s. I also remember asking my Mum if Roger creeped her out (he acted very similar with her) and she said that people from older generations just tend to act this way and that he's just jolly?? hmm none of my grandparents acted this way.

I think the blocking tactic will definitely be put into use if he ever calls unannounced. And it's a really good point that's someone's not safe for sick people to be around someone who's immune system is so compromised. DD is just getting over a cough she's had!

ToothPowder Thu 10-Nov-16 22:18:40

I think Neaders post is minimising, dismissive and completely wrong-headed. The OP's conscience is already clear. It's a matter of complete indifference to her whether Roger is old or ill -- he's someone who's behaved inappropriately towards her for years, and she's never felt able to rock the boat by speaking up. Which is not her fault - women are still socialised to think politeness matters more than their desire to not to be groped by elderly family friends.

NothingIsOK Thu 10-Nov-16 22:19:26

I think you need to tell your dad why you don't want this visitor. I sympathise. I once had to tell my dad that's one of his good friends had just grabbed my boob. The fella was never invited to the house again after that, nor was I ever expected to forget or ignore the grope.

hateadulting Thu 10-Nov-16 22:21:22

Lorelei76 that's a good question. I would probably tell her that she never has to deal with people or a situation like that and to make sure she never feels guilty about setting boundaries and saying no!

I'm not sure if I'm viewing the situation properly. I'm the first to admit I really dislike being touched and only hug/ touch my DD and DH. So that makes me think, maybe I'm the strange one and I need to be more affectionate with people. I don't know if that makes sense but am I just being really particular and closed?

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