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MIL not making an effort

(19 Posts)
Unicorn1981 Thu 10-Nov-16 14:38:19

Basically my mil had a meltdown at me about two years ago which resulted in us leaving her house late at night with dd and myself in tears. She was really not nice to me at all and all the we were staying at her house she was doing stuff to antagonise me such as giving my nearly two year old kebab meat and not using the bath stuff is supplied (she had eczema at time) then I went to a funeral and she had a go at me for talking about myself when DP asked me how it went. It was a silly row but after she told sil that is said some things I hadn't said etc c DP wasn't prepared to speak to her until she apologised. I'm quite willing to let it lie for the sake of dd but I understand DP isn't happy with her. I'm really worried about the lack of contact since as I only grew up with only one living grandma and she died when I was 19. When we try to contact her to see if she'd like us to bring dd to her she just complains she is at work or can't do it for some reason. Then she text DP out of the blue asking if she could take dd camping for a week without us 'as I've lost so much time'! We said no because dd is 3 and has seen her once in two years. I have just text her now to see if she'd like me to take her to see her in the next couple of weeks but if she doesn't respond to that I don't know what to do. She sends her gifts from Disneyland in Florida through the post but can't bring herself to visit or FaceTime.

ohfourfoxache Thu 10-Nov-16 14:46:14

I really think you need to stop putting so much effort in. I know it's hard, but it's really not worth the headspace. Trust me, I've been there thanks

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 10-Nov-16 14:46:57

Where on earth do people get off demanding small children go away with them? It's a ridiculous idea, I'd have nothing to do with it or her until she can be polite and reasonable.

Bluebolt Thu 10-Nov-16 14:54:59

When the adults are hostile it is always going to be difficult for any relationship. I can totally understand wanting the apology but if MIL believes she does not need to or that even is she does it will make no difference it will be an awful environment for both DD and the adults. It is difficult when your DCs do not get the relationship with GPS you hoped for but a strained one is no better. It may improve in the future.

ConvincingLiar Thu 10-Nov-16 15:08:15

It sounds like you just need to adjust your expectations. She's not going to be a fairy tale grandma however hard you try and however much you want it. The fact she thinks a week is viable with a child who doesn't know her is evidence of how little she's thinking of your daughter's welfare. Why not focus on friends/relatives who really care?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 10-Nov-16 16:00:57

If she is too toxic for your and her own DS then she is too toxic for your DC!
Stop trying.
You've tried, she doesn't give a shiny shite.
Let it go.

I grew up with my nan as my only grandparent until I was about 12.
That was the only grandparent I ever had.
I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

PeachBellini123 Thu 10-Nov-16 18:30:00

I'd leave your husband to deal with her. The idea you'd let a child, let alone a very young child, go away with an adult they barely know is utterly ridiculous. Mil sounds out of her mind.

Mumzypopz Thu 10-Nov-16 18:58:54

I'd leave her to it, she will soon realise she is the one missing out, then she may think about verifying her behaviour and see your ds on your terms....if not, just walk away.....my MIL suddenly announced one day (even though they didnt see my kids much) that her Son, (kids uncle) was going to take them out for the day!!!!He'd never bothered with them before....so answer was no.

happypoobum Thu 10-Nov-16 19:06:09

I don't understand why you want someone this toxic and disinterested in your DC life?

It's like you think a shit grandparent is better than no Grandparent.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 10-Nov-16 19:14:16

I agree, stop putting the effort in, she wants it her way or no way. Just leave it. Your dd is only 3, too young to go with somebody she does not know, and who you are not happy with. The contact should be on both you and your dh terms, not hers.

Penfold007 Thu 10-Nov-16 19:44:04

Your MIL is making it perfectly clear she wants no relationship with you or her DS and only wants your DD on her own. Your DD doesn't need this toxic woman in her life. Step away and stop trying.

SeaEagleFeather Thu 10-Nov-16 19:54:16

Your MIL sounds a bit unrealistic (no contact for 2 years then she wants to take your daughter for a week?) but if you think some relationship can come out of this between your DD and her grandmother, then you're doing it the right way.

Offering to meet her to reintroduce your DD is a good idea. Let them meet up every so often and get used to each other again. Keep it as supervised visits until/unless a stage arrives where you feel (genuinely) ok about her having her unsupervised. Could take a long time!

Funerals are times of high emotion and things get said that shouldn't, sometimes. Clearly you don't trust her completely about how she looks after your DD, but supervised visits should be fine.

But from what you've written here, there's no harm in offering to meet every so often. You're in control and you can't force a relationship between them, but you can give it an opportunity to grow.

Unicorn1981 Thu 10-Nov-16 20:12:07

Thanks everyone. I'm worried I've made her sound worse than she is but she just upsets me because she sees a lot of her grandson who is my other dsil's son and even sent dd a holiday postcard went they all went away together. It just concerns me she will grow up wondering why she makes more effort with him. I used to get on ok with her but she's always been stubborn. She went on about how she wanted a granddaughter to do baking and stuff with and now makes no effort. I think you're all right though she has to make some effort. She does love my dd and my DP but she's too stubborn to rise above it all.

Unicorn1981 Thu 10-Nov-16 20:12:40

She has seen her just not for long.

SeaEagleFeather Thu 10-Nov-16 20:23:24

unicorn , if she sent your DD a postcard when she went away with her grandson, then actually the invite to take DD for a week may have been her attempt to treat them fairly.

If there was a row and you distanced yourself (perhaps with good reason) then she may not have had the chance to build a close relationship.

Your DD can't go away with her until they actually know each other, 3 is too young to go away without her parents anyway, and you'd need to be comfortable with it. But I think your MIL is trying to some extent here. If she does respond to your idea of meeting up, maybe that's a start.

Unicorn1981 Thu 10-Nov-16 22:31:46

We took dd round to the house the next day to spend the day before we went back home. She needed advice on her naps, she called my dsil who was her part time childcare instead of me. She then let dd nap until early evening meaning she was asleep all through the return journey. That might sound petty but it's an example of how's she never had any thought for me as dd's mum. She used to ask dsil other stuff as well while I was there too. Anyway I've decided I need to stop trying so hard but my next question is what I say to dd because she does sometimes ask when she can see nanna and stuff.

SeaEagleFeather Fri 11-Nov-16 09:00:37

I'm sorry but I think you need to cut her some slack. Talk to her. It is really annoying if they sleep all afternoon but what about saying that to her? (you'd think she'd know, but maybe she's forgotten). Tell her, calmly, that instead of talking to your SIL (her own daughter?) about your child you'd rather she asked you. She should ask you in the first place, but maybe you need to politely but firmly point that out.

I'm really against genuinely toxic people being in a child's life, but your MIL doesn't sound that bad so far. More like she needs a bit of subtle supervision of her own.

The only thing that makes me really wonder is that her own son wasn't willing to speak to her until she apologised, so maybe therés more under the surface. You know her best.

Generally though she sounds like she's trying, in a slightly hamfisted way. From what you've said so far I think she needs a chance.

Unicorn1981 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:35:26

Thank you. I agree about cutting her slack which is why I never made a fuss about that stuff but the thing that tipped it over was when she was so vile to me. And DP is usually the calm one who says not to take things personally. And if he thought I was out of order he would have said so. He also keeps telling me I have done nothing wrong. When I last saw mil she went to see my sil in the area we all lived for the day. She saw dd in the morning until it was time for me to collect her. Dsil asked us if we could leave dd with them but DP said it had to come from mil not dsil plus I wouldn't have been there. I think I have to leave this for DP to resolve now but my dparents are about 20 years older and I probably don't have all the time on the world with them which makes me see things differently to him who probably thinks his mum will be around for ever. That's why I'm trying so hard.

SeaEagleFeather Fri 11-Nov-16 14:27:48

Hmm well if your DP has put his foot down and you are both deeply unhappy, then it sounds like it's the right decision for you both and your little one.

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