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Why can't he ask her??

(31 Posts)
RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 10-Nov-16 11:32:43

Seriously does anyone else get this? DD says something, DH doesn't hear and asks me what she's said. Why? Why would you not ask the person who said it in the first place? Especially when they are standing right there.

It drives me insane so I make a snippy comment about not being a translator so he gets grumpy.

And then he'll wonder why DD talks more to me than him. Because you don't fucking answer her half the time, that's why.

I know I'm not BU but just want to hear that someone, anyone, else has a DP like this?

ArmfulOfRoses Thu 10-Nov-16 11:38:12

Not my dh, but grandparents will often ask me if the dc would like a drink or similar (they are 9 and 13) when the dc are right there.
I have never, since they were toddlers, replied with anything other than "I don't know, why don't you ask them?"

Do you tell him or say similar to me?

staplehead Thu 10-Nov-16 11:41:03

How odd.

That would drive me absolutely potty. He is treating her like she is invisible, I wonder what effect this is having on her psyche?

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 10-Nov-16 11:45:09

Yep, I do tell him, endlessly. And had his hearing tested.

He will say something exactly like your GPs. I think it's disrespectful to her, although to be fair she laughs about it.

If I'm not around he must manage to communicate directly [sceptical]

NavyandWhite Thu 10-Nov-16 11:45:31

Have you told him not to ask you?

TBH I always understood the DC when they were little and what they meant as I was with them all day. I don't think your H is that out of order.

ArmfulOfRoses Thu 10-Nov-16 11:46:39

Is she easily understandable?

staplehead Thu 10-Nov-16 11:47:09

Next tim ehe asks you, simply reply with "what?" ad infinitum.

Should make him see that he is being nonsensical.

ArmfulOfRoses Thu 10-Nov-16 11:47:46

Or ask dd what daddy just said?

ArmfulOfRoses Thu 10-Nov-16 11:48:13

*what did daddy just say.
Ffs.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 10-Nov-16 11:49:36

She's 8 though and a perfectly clear speaker! I make fun of it to her so she doesn't think he's ignoring her and then tell him to speak directly to her.

They have a great relationship, it's just this one thing. It started in the car when she'd be in her seat behind him. So I can understand that he couldn't hear what she was saying then (and vice versa) but it's endemic. And I can't think of any examples at the moment, which is annoying but just goes to show how trivial the conversations are. If he can't hear her why wouldn't he just ask her to repeat it?

Is it some kind of weird power thing?

WorkAccount Thu 10-Nov-16 11:50:12

because often if you didn't hear them first time you are not going to understand second or third time either.

NavyandWhite Thu 10-Nov-16 11:52:57

Is it some kind of weird power thing?
How do you mean?

8 shock I thought she was going to be 2! That is weird. Are you sure he's not hard of hearing? Does he ask anyone else to repeat stuff?

Ahickiefromkinickie Thu 10-Nov-16 11:54:12

because often if you didn't hear them first time you are not going to understand second or third time either.

Workaccount, 'hearing' and 'understanding' are very different.

If he didn't hear her, he should say 'sorry, can you say that again?'

If he doesn't understand her, then he can ask OP to translate.

staplehead Thu 10-Nov-16 11:57:04

I would worry about your daughter picking up on something here. Not being listened to by daddy or that she isn't even worth asking.

I have had experience of this. Speaking to someone, and then that person turning to someone else to say "what did she just say?"

I am not sure how to explain the way it made me feel, but it was not a good feeling. Being ignored. Being made to feel I wasn't even worth the bother to say "pardon?". Being called "she". I was infuriated and hurt. At the time I laughed it off "who is she, the cat's mother?" but inside I was not laughing.

staplehead Thu 10-Nov-16 11:59:42

In other words I would say that he is being incredibly disrespectful to your daughter. She may grow up thinking she isn't worth much.

thingsthatgoflumpinthenight Thu 10-Nov-16 12:00:59

Ha ha. DM does a version of this. She will ask me if DH would like a cup of tea - right in front of him confused

TheOnlyColditz Thu 10-Nov-16 12:02:36

A quick answer to your question - he CAN ask her, he doesn't want to. If he wanted to, he would. She senses this and this is why she speaks more to you.

SarahLinden Thu 10-Nov-16 12:07:13

My grandmother did this to me. She would never speak to me directly if my mother was in the room.

I grew up knowing that she didn't see me as an actual person. It did me a lot of damage, to be honest.

HarryPottersMagicWand Thu 10-Nov-16 12:10:02

DH doesn't do this but the DCs will talk to him or ask him a question and he doesn't answer, so they repeat it and get slightly louder and annoyed because he has basically just ignored them then he snaps at them. It really pisses me off, if he answered in the first place they wouldn't shout at him or keep repeating themselves. Maybe he should put his fucking phone down. I often have to say "DS/DD is talking to you" before he answers them.

PlumsGalore Thu 10-Nov-16 12:11:55

Oh god yes! but worse. DH "can you tell DS when he gets home that we are going to football at 6" - errrr no, YOU tell him since you will also be home at that time.

DS - "Can you ask dad what time he is finishing working tonight" - errr no, YOU tell him since you have his mobile and both work for the same company.

Aggghhhhh

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 10-Nov-16 12:19:48

By weird power thing I wonder it's some unconscious man-thing that he wants both females paying him attention. But then I think that's a bit too subtle for him to work out.

I think with DD it'll just be one of those idiosyncrasies that you put up with with family members, rather than growing up psychologically damaged by it.

If the rest of the family were laughing at me though I'd try to sort it out.

NavyandWhite Thu 10-Nov-16 12:22:56

By weird power thing I wonder it's some unconscious man-thing that he wants both females paying him attention

Who knows? Only you could I guess as you're married to him. It is quite a thing to accuse your H of though.

Is he controlling in other ways?

Stormtreader Thu 10-Nov-16 12:33:24

Tell him something clearly wrong "she said that Whales are pretty cool and she'd like a pet one", "she asked if monkeys would be good at hang-gliding".

If he looks confused and says "no she didnt!" then you know he heard and hes just in the habit of asking, if he believes you then it might be time for DD to try and speak up a bit or get his hearing checked!

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 10-Nov-16 12:39:50

grin worth a try

Serialweightwatcher Thu 10-Nov-16 12:56:35

It sounds like he treats her like a piece of furniture and not a person in her own right, maybe because he sees himself as 'above' her as an adult - I don't know what his reasoning is but you need to tell him that it's very dismissive and rude to her and he should treat her with proper manners

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