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To have left (D)H?

(38 Posts)
hungryhippo90 Thu 10-Nov-16 09:22:17

Ive started a few AIBUs concerning my Husband, his general shittiness with money and everything else. Ive become worn down by dealing with the mess he creates as if he is a child.

This is going to be long because there is a huge backstory here, which makes me feel that I was right in having just left him, because Ive tried and tried, and tried, but now I feel awful. Im second guessing myself.

When we met, I believed that he was doing ok financially. I believed him to be responsible, our relationship had its bumps, but it was good. I was supportive of him. I lent him money to pay his workers, I lent him money for petrol, insurance on his van etc...It became clear that his business was a drain on resources. It became an expensive hobby instead of work. He wasnt paid by a client, and that left him with some quite substantial debts with the builders merchants. Then news of a £10000 tax bill from previous years crops up, and I realise he hasnt been filing returns for years. At which point I say, you need to give this up. You NEED to either operate properly, or not at all. So he accepts no more work, and winds down the business. He didnt look for a job for the following three months. During this time, I am working. I am paying everything.
He does get himself a job, but things start getting bad because he doesnt care that hes getting parking tickets from everywhere, every bill he had, he stopped paying, there are bailiffs at my door every few months. During this time im also getting blamed, because "his life all fell apart not long after he met me"
Threats of court action for the debts come, bailiffs come a few days before christmas, because he lives with me, they want access to the property to seize goods, they arent his. during this time, hes still crap with money.

This carried on for four years, then things seem a little bit better. i wasnt in work because my mental health really suffered through all of this. Our car breaks down. He sets about financing a new car. I have my reservations. I say not a good idea. we will get another little run about. itll do. get ourselves out of this mess first. A few months down the line, he gets serious about this new car. So on my day off, he takes me to see this new car. So we get there, and all of a sudden, the sales man is like, how about we check if you can get the car with a better finance offer. So i stupidly allow them to do it....honestly i didnt think i would get a much better rate, comes back with a decent offer, saving DH £6k.
I turn to him and say, if you make the payments. I cant afford to take that on. Yes, of course he says. So, the car is bought.
2 weeks later i find a letter saying hes going to be taken to court in the December with the intention of making him bankrupt...

Come December, he gets sacked, the following week he is made bankrupt. was late for the hearing because he didnt have any money to put petrol in the car.. that day seems to sum up our life together.

So as part of his bankruptcy he cant pay for anything on credit. So i then take on payments for the car.

BUT the positive is, its a fresh start. I can just about manage the car payment each month, its a year I think. I can make the payments. He can become financially responsible again. No more of this mess. Just the bills, none of the creditors popping up, him paying them for a few months, then stopping that payment to pay someone else. Ill be able to breathe again. I wont fear opening the door to people now.

January, he gets himself a new job. He is yet to tell the Official receiver his wages, so he hasnt paid anything.
Im at home, not working, going through a pretty bad time with my mental health issues. still have PIP which is £220, plus child benefit coming in, plus WTC for him and CTC for DD... so I was still paying about £500-£600 ish into the household... this was often to pick up things he forgot, like rent some months, it wasnt cool of him, but it was what it was.

come april- may time, Official Receiver still hasnt received any word from DH, no pay slips, and not a penny either. wtc, ctc has stopped. Income too high. Our budget allows for all of our bills, plus extra, but this should go to OR. Somehow bills are still not being paid.

I then start doing dog walking/ boarding, because I am now in so much debt, my credit cards were all maxed out paying bills he didnt. I pawned my phone so we could survive. Everything is behind because he doesnt pay the bills, and im trying to make them up. constantly picking up bills that he should be paying. One month he paid £250 rent.

So im now still suffering with my mental health being up the swanney, I work. I do all the parenting. I do all of the house work that gets done. I took on a permanent dog to ensure that I had a regular amount of money incoming. I have said dog from 6:30 am until 5:30 pm. i drop off and pick up. His owner asks me to complete favours for him, and until recently I was working as a cleaner for him too. which to be fair meant I often left the dog. went home, cooked dinner, left my dinner on the side, and went back to clean and didnt get back home till 10pm. Id go to bed and get back up to do it all again.
This coupled with my daughter having been quite ill over the past 8-9 weeks, so shes been at home a lot, and ive had to do various runs to the school, drs and hospital.
Then Ive been awake much of the night worrying, because again, hes not paying anything.
rent is due in 6 days, Ive been buying the food shopping. Ive been paying for car insurance on two cars, paying for two cars payments (2nd car is a 20 year old Honda which someone had given me, but takes the money each week, it was only £200 but with about 60k on the clock) the electric, the school dinners, clothes. everything that appears to have come up actually. He has paid nothing. He has also saved nothing towards the rent. NOTHING.

Id gotten quite serious about him saving money towards rent, especially as we are already in arrears with our rent, not helpful that he told LL who was calling every 3 days for money even if we had made payments to F off..but the £200 he had in his account seems to have mircalously turned into £30.

I asked him to leave. I feel like its absolutely the best thing I could have done. to try to regain some kind of normality. Everything feels so chaotic with him around. On monday having realised he had again squandered the money that was for rent I just lost it, and asked him to leave.

I can pick myself up out of this mess. I can figure it out. but I cant keep relying on him, because he puts me even further into this mess. I am so scared that my Landlord is going to chuck me out. I think if I explain to him whats been going on, he may understand. he may also think its just an excuse because I said I was going to take over the financial side of things a few months ago, and things havent got much better. mostly because when its pay day Husband is sure to remember his bank card and often pays for breakfast for himself and the lads.

TheProblemOfSusan Thu 10-Nov-16 09:27:58

Of course you should have kicked him out. The manchild is a total liability who's ruined your mental health.

Hindsight is always 20/20 of course but the earlier you could have chucked him the better - think of how much heartache you're saving yourself in the future by doing it now. I bet your MH issues get miraculously better as well, goodness knows how you've coped this long.

flowers and massive congratulations for freeing yourself.

TheProblemOfSusan Thu 10-Nov-16 09:28:21

Of course you should have kicked him out. The manchild is a total liability who's ruined your mental health.

Hindsight is always 20/20 of course but the earlier you could have chucked him the better - think of how much heartache you're saving yourself in the future by doing it now. I bet your MH issues get miraculously better as well, goodness knows how you've coped this long.

flowers and massive congratulations for freeing yourself.

hungryhippo90 Thu 10-Nov-16 09:43:11

thanks Susan.
I feel like its the best thing. I have had to ask him to leave before. it just makes me feel like an awful person having asked him to go. It feels selfish, but I just dont think I can do it anymore.

Ive got a daughter who loves him, and no other support, but it really hit home when I went through everything, figured out how we would pay the rent, and the arrears off (only about 300 as it stands) and he just squandered it, knowing that if we get evicted that weve no chance of obtaining anywhere new.

Tryingtostayyoung Thu 10-Nov-16 09:48:09

100% you were right to tell him to leave. You need a partner, someone to share the burden of bills and life with NOT an extra person to make your situation worse!! It would even be better if he did nothing apart from get an allowance from you after you deal with the money it he is actively worsening your situation.

You have done the right thing and now you can start planning flowers

WatchingFromTheWings Thu 10-Nov-16 09:53:59

My ExH was like this (but not that bad!). He never learnt. Ran up debts, failed to pay bills. By the time I realised how bad it was he was thousands and thousands in debt. Had to get a debt management agency in to help. I took over the bank account (online passwords etc and monitored his spending very very carefully). He still couldn't rein it in.

I did leave him in the end (other factors also involved such as EA). Got fed up of bailing him out and getting into big fights when I tried to explain he couldn't spend on x, y or z as there was no money!! He regularly would spend on fags and booze leaving no money for food or eff and blind at me for buying shoes for the 2DCs leaving him no money for fags and booze. Very very draining.

Don't forget though as you're married the debts should be split 50/50....don't let him leave you liable for it. Sounds like you did the right thing as you'll be repeating this pattern for forever and a day.

expatinscotland Thu 10-Nov-16 10:03:18


SuperFlyHigh Thu 10-Nov-16 10:11:55

sounds like the best thing for you.

don't look back. he hasn't changed.

Manumission Thu 10-Nov-16 10:21:14


You need to protect your MH so you can care for your DD.

Manumission Thu 10-Nov-16 10:21:21


You need to protect your MH so you can care for your DD.

StopMeProcrastinating Thu 10-Nov-16 10:26:09

Can you go to citizen's advice and show them your plan for paying off everything by yourself? If they agree it will work, then they may be able to support you approaching landlord about the arrears and how this won't happen again in future. As it is so important that you don't lose your home, I'd consider if paying staged payments with a nominal interest would be possible so that the landlord is not being left out of pocket and resentful either.
Remember that as a sole adult your benefits and things may change too (e.g. council tax reduction for being single parent) which might help you
Well done for doing what you had to do. It's sad that he couldn't prioritise the roof over your heads over breakfast for 'the lads' but it isn't your fault he chose to do that.

Iamthinking Thu 10-Nov-16 10:27:22

Oh my God, my armpits tingle with stress sweat just reading that. HOW did you cope for so long?! You are so tough. You'll feel so much better I am sure, once he isn't dragging you down over and over again. Him leaving has to be the 100% right thing to do, you really deserve a break now.
This is all of his doing so DO NOT feel guilty.

GrinchyMcGrincherson Thu 10-Nov-16 10:46:22

Get down to CAB and ask for a benefits check and debt help. CAP and stepchange can also help manage debt. If you are on PIP you can likely also get ESA or income support and if you can you also get free school meals and free council tax. This will help reduce the bill related stress.

You did the right thing.

pinkunicornsarefluffy Thu 10-Nov-16 11:00:37

YANBU. He will never change. I have lived with somebody like it. There is no way of helping somebody like it either. I took control of most of the finances, but as soon as we split up he was back to his credit card spending and accruing debt.

Your main priority has to be keeping a roof over your DD's head.

I would now contact the council and get your 25% reduction, and also contact Tax Credits and make a single claim. You will be financially better off on your own and you will start to regain your mental health.

He can look after himself.

ChasingAPinkBall Thu 10-Nov-16 11:51:24

You've totally done the right thing.
Just reading that made me stressed! He's dragging you down. How did you put up with that for so long?! What an irresponsible pick he is.

ChasingAPinkBall Thu 10-Nov-16 11:51:59

*prick obvs!

hungryhippo90 Thu 10-Nov-16 11:55:24

Thanks for the advice everyone!
I've gathered up all of my letters from Cc companies etc, and I've phoned a few, they are all seemingly quite happy to accept low repayments, some are about £5 a week, being as my debts are small time stuff mostly, it won't take long for it to all be paid off. Some have even held interest for me.

Will discuss with Landlord RE paying him an additional % to cover extra costs he may have incurred. I've been a really good tenant until this year, I've been here six years so I'm hoping that he will be reasonable.

Will contact the Council about council tax. That'll come in handy.

I've also sent off for WTC, CTC forms.

Gosh, this being alone stuff is quite scary, but also exciting because I'm going to know exactly where I stand financially!

hungryhippo90 Thu 10-Nov-16 11:59:00

Chasing a pink ball. I feel that he's a bit of a prick at the moment. I can't believe that he took the risk of again not putting the rent money aside. We're already on thin ice.

He knows I've nowhere to go if it ever got to the point where we would be evicted. That was the last straw!

harderandharder2breathe Thu 10-Nov-16 12:23:03

Well done, you have absolutely done the right thing for you and dd

I'm bad with money but have never not paid rent and essential bills and would never treat someone the way he's treated you for so long

wowwee123 Thu 10-Nov-16 12:31:20

how awful. you have done the right thing. i don't know how you coped with that as long as you did.

Truth is, if your dp has let you carry that weight for all those years whilst he could and should have been helping, he doesn't care very much about you or your dd.

You really have done the right thing and don't feel guilty, sounds like he never did!

flowers you sound strong, you will get through this.

throughgrittedteeth Thu 10-Nov-16 12:41:49

Well done for getting out of this mess OP. It might be a long haul now to sort it out but at least you know that if it is just you it can't get any worse. Your DD will still love her dad whether he's there or not. You can't take responsibility for him now though. Think about your own health and wellbeing flowers

pinkie1982 Thu 10-Nov-16 12:42:15

Congratulations on standing up for you and your DD. Good luck, although sounds as f you won't need it at all and be much stronger just the two of you xx

TheProblemOfSusan Thu 10-Nov-16 13:59:32

You are absolutely not the selfish one here. He's the one pissing money away and risking your daughter's home.

In fact, if it helps, I'm seeing you as pretty selfless in this: you've basically provided for him in organisational terms as well as money for years and he's just been shit to you. You're now sorting all of this not just for your own sake, but for his daughter's - and it's a stressful thing to do to fix this.

Well done, and please go to bed feeling really good about yourself tonight, you've done stellar work to protect your DD.

ConvincingLiar Thu 10-Nov-16 20:08:02

Not wanting to be married anymore is a good enough reason to get a divorce. You say he's being a prick at the moment, I'd say he's been a prick for years. Get some legal advice so you don't take on any more debt than you have to. If you're paying for the new car you should bloody well keep it.

MakingMyWayThroughTown Thu 10-Nov-16 21:02:32

Oh my goodness! Absolutely best think you could do was ask him to leave. You can't live like that and the fact that it was thanks to him just proves that you're better off without him! Things WILL get better. I left my ex due to his shocking handling of our financial affairs, his drinking etc. And I promise you, 2 years on I am happier than I have EVER been. Life is good when you only have yourself to answer to and you can control things better.
Bravo to you. It's scary but you've made a huge step forward. flowers

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