How to deal with an incredibly negative dh(9 Posts)
Not really aibu but posting here for traffic because I'm at my wits end!
I don't know how to deal with him anymore. He never looks on the brightside, or thinks of positive or constructive ways to get out of a negative situation. He feels everything very acutely- for example, Brexit was the worst thing that could ever happen ect, Donald Trump in power basically means the end of the world. He's argumentative, snappy, isolates himself then complains he has no friends, wonders why people don't want to help him (he is the least charitable person you'll ever meet... I bought his mum a scratchcard, hers won £40, she offered to give me half and I said keep it for your holiday and dh kicked off and asked for it), he honestly can't figure out why people don't like him when he only talks about things that interest him.
He's admitted he's depressed. Now I can sympathise greatly as I also suffer with it. What I don't sympathise with is he won't go for help. He won't speak to a doctor at all, and expects me to be his in house shrink. I'm finding it utterly exhausting as I'm trying to keep my own head above water. I feel like kicking him out isn't the right answer because it'll just make his problems worse and I feel he may try something stupid, i could leave with the kids but then that's not fair on them. All I know is this anger and resentment we all have to live with is not a nice place to live right now!
I think he does need to go away for a while. I'm not saying LTB, but he needs a complete change of scene, and you need a rest. Can he go and stay with his mum for a few weeks?
He's stuck in a never-ending cycle and he won't change until something forces him to.
Until he seeks help it won't change. I think you need to make it clear to him that if he doesn't do this then you can't see how you will all be able to carry on as things are. Negative people are so draining
It's his responsibility to seek help, not yours. He needs to know that not going to the doctor, and therefore causing stress for you, is not an option.
It also sounds that some of this is related more to him being an arsehole that having MH problems.
Have some space or you will end up worse than him....
The scratch card would have angered me....awful.
My DH is a misery guts too but without any mh issues to excuse it. He started improving when I became uncompromising with exercise and socialising - ie walks every evening without fail rain or sunshine, gym, he has to go to meet his mates at the pub once or week (or do something else social). If he refused I caused a row. It was horrible for a month but I'm so glad I did it now, he has improved a lot. Still a misery guts sometimes but it's not constant anymore.
Why do you like him? He sounds completely unlikeable. Why would it be unfair on the kids to give them a life away from this joy sucking misery guts?
The scratchcard thing is horrible, a really troubling sign about his petty personality. Depression doesn't excuse acting like that and I say that as someone who suffers from it myself. Who begrudges their own mother £20?! Does he have any redeeming qualities or contribute anything to the relationship? I know depression is difficult but he does need to seek professional help rather than putting it all on you when you have your own issues to deal with. Also you don't mention this behaviour being a recent development, so has he had depression for the whole relationship (and refused to get help) or is this just his underlying personality? I can understand about having depression and feeling overwhelmed and anxious about recent political events but it sounds like he's also being very inconsiderate of people around him. He expects support, understanding and compassion from you but seems unable or unwilling to think of other peoples' feelings, for example not realising the emotional pressure it places on you to be expected to act as his "in-house shrink" because he won't get help or understanding how upset his mother might be that he doesn't even want her to have £20. Did you challenge him about his behaviour over the scratchcard and what was his response? Does he even realise his behaviour is unreasonable? If he doesn't want to change you need to consider if this is something you can live with. Maybe take some space to think about it and that might help him to realise what is at stake.
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