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To be heartbroken by dm's comments on abortion?

(120 Posts)
Bummymummy77 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:19:48

Huge long post I'm sorry I'm just in a state and nobody in real life except dh to talk to and he's working all day.

Dm rang this morning to gloat over the Trump victory. hmm

After telling her about all the awful things that stand to happen to us as a family I said "well what about women's rights?"

"What women's rights?"

"Women's right to chose what happens to her body."

"You mean abortion? Well if he makes that illegal that would be the best thing any leader has done in years."

Cue silence from me. My Mother knows I had an abortion 15 years ago. She knows very well because it led to me moving back home with her for a while after a suicide attempt.

I was happily engaged to a wonderful man (I thought) . I fell pregnant and he disappeared. Turns out he was already married with a house I knew nothing about. He never contacted me once after finding out I was pregnant.

So after a lot of soul searching and speaking to my family, all of whom were very upfront that I'd have to go it alone both financially and emotionally as they lived far away, I decided to terminate. Not for me. I wanted the baby deeply, I've never been happier when I found out I was pregnant. It was 100% a choice for my child.

The termination was botched. I was treated very cruelly by a couple of the nurses, wasn't sedated enough so felt and was fully aware of the whole process. They also didn't remove all of it so a while later I collapsed in a shop and had to be rushed in to hospital.

After this I went off the rails, lost my job and then attempted suicide. An amazing local mental health support team and my gp got me back together.

Not one visit from one family member. Although I understand it's complexed and hard when a relative does something like this. I don't blame them for that.

Anyway, this is just background to avoid drip feeding, sorry it's long.

So the conversation carries on with us not mentioning mine. I ask things like "well what about a child that's not wanted. Or if a parent decides the best thing for their child is to not be born for X reasons?"

My Mum answers many things which I don't have the energy or heart to repeat but the last thing she said was "abortion should be illegal except in extreme cases of rape and all these women doing it are disgusting, selfish women who deserve prison. It's too easy to get an abortion and loose women are using it as birth control and should be ashamed of themselves. I hope they do stop it."

Aibu to be beyond heartbroken? I have a very very rocky relationship with my Mum but at least have always looked up to her as a self proclaimed feminist and strong women who's overcome so much.

I now don't like her. I can't stand the thought of spending time with her this Christmas if this is how she thinks of me.

She must have said it to hurt me. She's more than aware of how I'd take this surely?

I don't know what to do, she's made me feel so ashamed and destroyed but then at the end of the conversation started talking about Xmas presents for ds.

If I go non contact with her the rest of my family will turn against me. They don't see any of this behaviour, she'll paint it as me. Ds has precious little family as it is, I don't want him to lose that whole side which I know we will.

Can I just shrug this off and ignore it? I feel like this was abusive. I feel like she's trying to hurt me. If I ignore this will it get worse?

You can't ignore that level of cruelty. There are ways she could have phrased a pro life stance without cutting so deeply.

stillnotjustamummy Wed 09-Nov-16 15:24:30

What do you gain by keeping her in your life? She sounds awful. You made a difficult choice in the hardest circumstances. I'm sorry you have to hear such vile things from someone who is supposed to love you. I'd go no contact. Well done for getting yourself together again and carrying in with your life. Unmumsetty hugs.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Wed 09-Nov-16 15:25:05

Yanbu to be hurt and to tell her so. I'm so sorry; I have relatives who hold similar views and they are extremely difficult to engage with in conversation.

I'm sorry you had to go through that sad

Goingtobeawesome Wed 09-Nov-16 15:27:03

Better no family than that

TheCatsMother99 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:28:33

That's nasty beyond belief. I'd have to cut ties I'm afraid as she knew full well what she was saying and doing.

kali110 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:30:26

I'd go nc. That's beyond vile. That's not someone who deservws to have you in their life.

LemonSqueezy0 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:30:43

She's entitled to her (wrong) opinion but to voice it do cruelly and pointedly to you is beyond what's reasonable. I'm genuinely horrified that you've gone through (and come through) all of that and she's being so evil. You really need to consider what she brings to your life, and how she enriches it. She doesn't sound like she's good for your mental health I'm afraid. Good luck with working out what you want to do Xx

OohhThatsMe Wed 09-Nov-16 15:31:47

I can't imagine talking to my daughter like that, no matter what she'd done that I disapproved of. It's cruel and unkind and completely unnecessary. Why couldn't she just change the subject?

Nocabbageinmyeye Wed 09-Nov-16 15:32:52

Wow what a bitch shock. I'm sorry to say that sounds like something she has been holding on to for years, that was really malicious. It sounds like you have been through a terrible time, to be honest if your mother wasn't there for you then when you needed her most I am sure, then between that and what she said to you today I would be reassessing my relationship with her. Normally I would say you should speak to her but she sounds like a cold nasty bitch so I am not sure what good it would do. Yanbu to be upset with her at all

babychamcherryb Wed 09-Nov-16 15:33:25

Yanbu

I'm
Sorry you went through that and not only did your mother not support you then but she's using it against you now. What a horrible woman.

Regardless of anyone's views for or against abortion their is never any reason to be so cruel to a person, let alone your own daughter. Unbelievable.

BadKnee Wed 09-Nov-16 15:34:06

Wow - that is cruel. So sorry to hear this OP.
You did the right thing. You had no real choice. You got through it.

No advice really - just emotionally withdraw if you cannot do it physically for other reasons and console yourself with the fact that you are a better mother to your own DC

ObsidianWinter Wed 09-Nov-16 15:34:33

YANBU. She sounds awful and I'm so sorry she said those horrible things after you've been through so much.

JinkxMonsoon Wed 09-Nov-16 15:35:02

You'd be perfectly entitled to go no contact.

In fact, I think it'd be healthier if you did.

ihatethecold Wed 09-Nov-16 15:35:51

How would you feel if she aired those views in front of your child?

What positive aspects does she bring?

I've been non contact with my parents for 10 years.
It's so much easier than to pander to there egos.

GoldenBlue Wed 09-Nov-16 15:36:24

How awful, you poor thing.

Personally I might consider calling her attention to just what she said with something like "I didn't realise you feel I should be imprisoned and punished for taking the most difficult decision in my life". Pause and wait for her response.

Hope very much it is a fumbling effort to pull foot firmly out of mouth.

If it is the alternative then at least it is clear and in the open that she has directed that comment at you.

It is perfectly understandable to be hurt and upset by someone saying something so hurtful to you. You are allowed to feel hurt and express that hurt and disappointment that they would choose to say that to you x

OracleofDelphi Wed 09-Nov-16 15:37:22

She did it to hurt you.... terrible and awful, but thats the crux of it. If she hadnt when you questioned her she would have remembered and realised she had got too heated.

She didnt, which means she knows exactly what she said. You poor thing, what you have been through sounds so horrible and to not receive compassion from your mum is terrible.

Cut your cloth accordingly OP. You are under no obligation to continue a relationship with her. Tell her Xmas plans have changed. Walk away - what happened to you was awful and for her to bring it up cruelly years later tells you everything you need to know about her. flowers for you

Cherylene Wed 09-Nov-16 15:38:48

Do you only keep in touch with the rest of the family through her?

If so, then maintain your own relationships with them independently of her. Then if you have to reduce contact, and she says anything, they are more likely to take it with a few pinches of salt wink

Jackiebrambles Wed 09-Nov-16 15:39:23

Goodness me. That's poisonous.
Agree with a PP, better no family and a small family full of love and tolerance than a family with such hatred in their hearts.

Garyfetacheese Wed 09-Nov-16 15:41:29

You don't owe her anything at all, do you want to go no contact? She was deliberately cruel in the worst way to you. There is no excusing that.

Be kind to yourself and stay away from her. I went NC with my awful parents 2 years ago and it has lifted a weight from my mind.

user1471525261 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:42:23

Your mother sounds incredibly cruel - I think it's better to have no contact. I'm so sorry for what you have gone through

Lorelei76 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:42:33

YANBU

I can't talk to my mum about abortion either. She's fine with it in what she thinks of as exceptional circumstances, but generally she doesn't realise how many of us would opt for suicide or knitting needles or whatever. She is anti Trump but she's not as worried as I am, partly because she sees the misogny as not that bad. She comes from a very awful country wrt to women so I think she thinks what we have already is great.

SarcasmMode Wed 09-Nov-16 15:42:49

How horrible.

You sound like you'll be a lot better off without someone like this in your headspace. I'd distance myself emotionally from her.

At a time you needed someone to be there she wasn't - some mother!

I'm pro choice but if I was completely against something (unless it was extreme like animal abuse) and someone did that thing and suffered bad from it, I'd be there. Maybe find it hard, but I'd be there (cheating on partner for example if they were being dignified/remorseful or has to put their child into care).

Would I have an abortion? I'm not sure. It's hard to know without being in that situation. But if I did I know my Mum would be gutted. She's support me though and would understand I had a reason.

Thinking of you OP. I hope you had/continue to have great friends.

lizzieoak Wed 09-Nov-16 15:42:53

On the face of it, that is awful, and were it my mum I wouldn't be bothered about speaking to her again. Sounds like she has form.

I don't suppose she is very elderly and losing the plot a bit? If not, just because she's family doesn't mean you have to keep interacting with someone who makes you miserable.

Jinglebellsandv0dka Wed 09-Nov-16 15:43:09

You have absolutly nothing to be ashamed off - she however does.

It's always going to be in your kind what she said - so I'd either ring her and talk about how hurt you are at what she said it go NC.

Your DC don't need nasty bitches in their lives anyway

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