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To stop my son hanging around with this boy

(84 Posts)
jaffacakesaremyfave Tue 08-Nov-16 13:46:19

My eldest DS (12) started this year at the local comprehensive secondary school.

At first he was walking to school with a group of children (one of which he went to primary with) but now they all seem to take the bus and he's started to walk with our next door neighbours DS who is the year above. My DS has a bus pass and I give him money for the bus each day but he walks and spends it on junk food. I work FT so leave before him in the morning.

Since he started walking with just him, he's been late several times and 'lost' £15 dinner money. The school have made several comments about this child that they think he is a bad influence on my DS. The school must have reasons for saying this but obviously won't tell me why.

My DS has had a troubled past with his father who he no longer has contact with and I'm worried that he's looking up to this older boy and getting up to things he shouldn't. He's no angel (bullies his younger brothers) but up until Now he's always been extremely well behaved at school and wouldn't have done anything to get into trouble.

WIBU to stop my DS from 'hanging around' with this boy and how do I handle the situation? Obviously I don't want to upset our neighbours or this child as he's clearly been labelled as a bad egg and I don't know the background story. I don't trust my DS enough to make the right judgement as he's very easily influenced by older males

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 08-Nov-16 14:21:31

If they want to hang about together. There's no really much you can do.
You can't stop 2 children being friends

RiverTam Tue 08-Nov-16 14:26:31

Surely you should if one is stealing from the other?

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 08-Nov-16 14:27:09

The school have made several comments about this child that they think he is a bad influence on my DS Not only does this sound like the school are labeling a child, it also sounds like your DS has no responsibility for his actions (but the other child does?).

Deal with the behaviours, without scapegoating the other child. The money, you need to be sure he isn't either having it taken, or spending it on things he shouldn't. Does the school not have another system for dinner money?

LizzieMacQueen Tue 08-Nov-16 14:29:56

You say he has a bus pass but you also give him money for bus fare. Why is that?

NotHardUpNow Tue 08-Nov-16 14:37:23

It's tricky, he's at the age where he'll be open to new experiences and trying out stuff that challenges himself perhaps not always in a good way. You can't choose their friends for them. Can you take practical steps to limit the others lads influence and reduce opportunities for mischief?. Can you try and strength your relationship with DS? Spend more one to one time with him, sign him up for after school activities? Can you cut back on the cash he has access to? If he's walking don't give him bus fares, pay dinner money direct to school or do packed lunch? Really I think all any parent can do is to try and instill a basic level of decency, compassion and humanity in children and then keep your fingers crossed that if they deviate from it for a short while while the find their feet as they move towards adulthood, they will eventually return to those values and grow into lovely people.

MyGiddyUncle Tue 08-Nov-16 14:43:02

So tell him he must take the bus, and that you will collect his ticket from him every day after school and/or be calling school to check he was on time.

And that if you find out that he's been late or he hasn't taken the bus, you will take a week off work to take him by the hand and personally deliver him to his class and pick him up from his class every morning.

eatdrinkandbemarysfairy Tue 08-Nov-16 14:43:24

i was in a simalar situation with my ds
i drummed it into him that he knew right from wrong , just cos the other lad does something doesnt mean he as to do it, hes got a brain use it, hes responsible for his own actions
(this is what i told my son btw)
op your son will come across other kids that you might think are a bad influence throught out his school life , you wont be able to keep him away from everyone, just get him to think for himself

BabyJakeHatersClub Tue 08-Nov-16 14:44:33


The harsh reality of life is that you need to look out for you and yours. I have compassion for others but it decreases extremely quickly as I move beyond close friends and family.

Whilst you don't want to label the other boy as a bad egg, it seems to be the best thing for you to do and to remove your son from the situation.

How do you guess your son would react to you being absolutely honest with him? Children (boys especially) at this age have huge variance in their maturity. Some would understand.

Gottagetmoving Tue 08-Nov-16 15:20:17

The problem is your son, not his friend.
Stopping him walking to school with this boy won't change him. Most kids have friends who are a bad influence but you have to teach your child not to follow their behaviour.
Your neighbour could just as well blame your son for being an influence on her son. This is what parents do instead of tackling their own child's behaviour.
You say your child has had problems so deal with those.

sadie9 Tue 08-Nov-16 15:49:45

So if he's late for school, or loses his money then take away some privileges like time on the computer/has his phone taken away for a certain time or whatever.
There is no doubt that older kids can be an influence on younger kids. The younger kid is not in a position to stand up for themselves in some cases. Being late for school can be seen to be 'cool' by some kids who don't value school that much.
Can he bring a packed lunch instead of money?

summerainbow Tue 08-Nov-16 16:22:05

Well If you think it ok to leave for work before you kid go to school . You don't have a clue what he up to . Your choice.
Parent or let him get on with it .
Your child is getting drugs or something worst listen to school and parent your child .

Maltropp Tue 08-Nov-16 16:28:35

Summer... Not helpful if OP has to get to work on time and may have no choice but to leave before DS.

LovelyBath77 Tue 08-Nov-16 16:32:33

Most schools use parent pay or accept payments from parents for school meals, it should be an option to sort that out. Don't understand why they need bus fare as well as bus pass. Might be best not to let them access the money if they are 'losing' it.

LovelyBath77 Tue 08-Nov-16 16:34:17

At first he was walking to school with a group of children (one of which he went to primary with) but now they all seem to take the bus -

Well of gets the bus again he'll be with his other friends? Might be the solution.

JenLindleyShitMom Tue 08-Nov-16 16:34:50

*Well If you think it ok to leave for work before you kid go to school . You don't have a clue what he up to . Your choice.
Parent or let him get on with it .
Your child is getting drugs or something worst listen to school and parent your child*

Do you have kids summer?

summerainbow Tue 08-Nov-16 16:46:40

Oh course I have kids . Have seen this happen too many times .
If you are not there you cannot sort out the problem.
Op your son is getting in trouble take time off work and sort it out .

JenLindleyShitMom Tue 08-Nov-16 16:48:06

So how do you feed your kids if you don't go to work? confused

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 08-Nov-16 16:58:26

Homeless kids do so much better. How do people pay for housing not working? Baffled.

I was a latch key kid. Perfectly well adjusted, thanks.

smellyboot Tue 08-Nov-16 17:04:10

I think it's unfair of you to blame another child

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 08-Nov-16 17:06:11

I would get your DS to take the bus, and tell him to be wary about this boy. But keep the conversation open, ask him what he thinks. He is at an age where he's having to learn so much about social relationships and how you view the world.

Use this as a way to get him to think about who he wants to be, the person who is always late? No, tell him he can do better setting his own standards. If he wasn't late before then he is responsible for getting back on track, with your support.

BratFarrarsPony Tue 08-Nov-16 17:06:29

Summer that is not necessary. Obviously she 'parents'.

OP, does the school have a system where you can pay them directly for the school dinners , so he doesnt have to carry that amount of cash on him?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 08-Nov-16 17:10:58

The first step would surely be to stop giving him money?

Give him a packed lunch and bus pass. If this boy has flopped on your son because he has money, he'll soon grow bored if there is none.

It's not clear from your op whether your son is actually in trouble at school? It's likely that he doesn't mix with him in school, just to and from?

The late marks need to be punished by you. I don't mean to be harsh but I've heard a million times parents of children in trouble at school say "they're in with bad company" which sort of removes all blame from their own child.

GeorgiePeachie Tue 08-Nov-16 17:13:43

All the suggestions of ways to stop Op's son are pointless (fun story to follow). I concur with eatdrinkandbemarysfairy

When I was about 11 or 12 my father had to leave for work before me and I had to make an hour's trip to school. It was decided that this was not okay for me to do on my own. My parents hired a live in opere. I HATED that I had to be baby sat on the train. I refused to walk with her. Ran ahead, got earlier trains or later trains or changed somewhere else and got the bus. Ran down side streets so she would lose me. I even changed the clocks one morning and left two hours early and sat outside school in the park for hours before casually walking in to school on time.

She always made the journey anyway, often a few seats away, keeping an eye. But that was totally pointless. ANYWAY. it doesnt matter what system you put in place if he wants to walk to school he will.

I feel terrible for that poor girl now. What a brat I was.

Revealall Tue 08-Nov-16 17:17:14

Summer has a point. If the op thinks it's bad now wait until he hits 13/14 . See how much grief she will get from school and the other parents. She'll cop all the blame for her " poor parenting" then.
Op says her son bullies his siblings and looks up to other males. He'a prime candidate for getting into trouble.
The other posters are right that her DS needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour and make better choices. However it probably needs some more proactive parenting at this early stage even if work has to take a hit.

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