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AIBU?

destination wedding (another one!)

17 replies

longtimelooker · 07/11/2016 23:05

One of our good friends got married this weekend in south America .. My partner and I had been due to attend but due to our landlord giving us notice we literally couldn't go, we had already spent over 1k each on flights and accommodation but due to the nature of the trip some accommodation was to be paid when we arrived and all food/drinks/transport also had to paid for roughly a further £900 each.

We explained this to our friend who was initially sympathetic and understood our priority was finding a home and ensuring we had the money to cover all the costs, All fine.

Friend is the groom if that matters and is pretty much my partners closest friend, for the few days after we told him everything really was fine they went to the gym together etc and then he went very silent. Partner asked what was up and after a few messages he responded saying he was pissed and gutted we wouldn't be there. His family don't support the wedding so we had been his only guests so I get he's disappointed but to be pissed off?

Anyway wedding was on Saturday messaged him well wishes and he hasn't responded ..

This is a really good friend and I'm now second guessing should we have just gone? I mean we spent the money on flights and technically we have the money to have gone but that would have eaten into our house deposit fund and I just didn't think that was the best thing to do??

I guess really I'm asking am I (and my OH I suppose) terrible friends?!

OP posts:

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CockacidalManiac · 07/11/2016 23:07

I think that if you're daft enough to get married thousands of miles away, then you have to accept that this kind of things happen.

honeyroar · 07/11/2016 23:10

You couldn't go. It was too expensive. What were you supposed to do! Hopefully he will come round and understand that soon.

NewIdeasToday · 07/11/2016 23:12

He's on his honeymoon. And in a country somewhere in South America where it will cost a fortune to text. I think you're taking this too personally.

expatinscotland · 07/11/2016 23:16

You had to find a new place to live and he was pissed off that you didn't have thousands more to spunk on a wedding he chose to have thousands of miles away? And tried to make you feel shit about that? There's a terrible friend here, and it's not you or your partner.

BackforGood · 07/11/2016 23:16

I wouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. Seems a bit of an odd thing to do to spend over £2K and then not go, tbh. I realise there was unexpected issue with money, but unless £4k was always going to be 'spare money' for you, I think it's a ridiculously massive ask of your dh's friend to expect you to go to such an expensive place.
I can see though, that if you knew you were the only guests, they would then feel let down. Saying no in the first place is different from pulling out last minute.

longtimelooker · 07/11/2016 23:17

Newideas- I would honestly completely agree IF our other friend hadn't also texted after us and got a reply.

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longtimelooker · 07/11/2016 23:20

Thank you for the replies its making me feel a bit better. I was actually looking forward to it as well! It wasn't my idea of the perfect holiday but it would have been nicer than freezing England!

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MidniteScribbler · 07/11/2016 23:26

Did you pulling out mean that they will now have to cover the charges you would have paid when you got there?

longtimelooker · 07/11/2016 23:35

Midnite- no we paid for the accommodation for the actual wedding venue and then a further £500 total for four days in a resort type place, in actual fact friend asked if one of the brides guests could take our room at the resort we said fine and didn't expect them to pay us for that room.
I guess maybe for the wedding reception but the venue wasn't very expensive based on the website, they couldn't have lost more than £60 for both of us.

In regards to we shouldn't have agreed to go unless we had a spare 4k I do get that but he is a good friend and we sacrificed our normal holiday to go .. And without having deposit/moving costs it would have been fine but we do have those costs now so priority's changed

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misshelena · 08/11/2016 00:48

This is a tough one. I don't think you did the wrong thing but I can also see why he is upset.
I think he really tried to be understanding and that is why he said it was ok at first and went to the gym etc. Then after a few days he realized that he was having trouble letting it go. I mean, he is having the biggest day of his life, he had only two people and they didn't even make it. He must feel like crap and alone...
I hope things eventually work out for you all. Maybe you can send him a letter and explain how you are having second thoughts, that maybe you should have tried harder, and that you are really really sorry. Really hope he'll come around after a while.

summerainbow · 08/11/2016 06:42

At the end of day the groom could have given you money you needed to go . You had paid for a lot of it. You were his only friends he was going a long way to get married surely he knew he could have helped you out as you were his only guests.

longtimelooker · 08/11/2016 09:40

The thought of him being alone makes me sad :( his brother (only family member that does support it) was due to attend but pulled out about three weeks ago as he couldn't get the time of work for the wedding and also his own annual holiday ....

We have just found out we will get some money back for flights, do you think it would be a nice idea to take them out for posh meal and give them a nice wedding gift ?

I don't want our friendship to be over because of this :(

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expatinscotland · 08/11/2016 09:46

'The thought of him being alone makes me sad sad his brother (only family member that does support it) was due to attend but pulled out about three weeks ago as he couldn't get the time of work for the wedding and also his own annual holiday ....

We have just found out we will get some money back for flights, do you think it would be a nice idea to take them out for posh meal and give them a nice wedding gift ? '

You seriously need to grow a backbone. He chose to have his wedding thousands of miles away! It's entirely his doing no one was there. Then he had the nerve to guilt trip your partner when you didn't go because you had no fucking place to live!

You lost £2000, FFS! Did you really have to piss up a wall? He should be the one trying to mend things, not make you feel guilty that you couldn't spend a couple more thou on his wedding.

Just give them a £50 gift of so and leave the ball in his court. STOP trying to drive things here.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 08/11/2016 10:47

Don't reward tantrums or they get worse.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 08/11/2016 10:52

Anyone who decides to have a "destination wedding" needs to either

Pay the full cost for any guests

Or
Accept that many people will not be able to attend, and importantly, that non-attendance is no reflection on the value of the relationship.

LetsAllEatCakes · 08/11/2016 12:23

Did he say he was pissed off at you or at the situation? If he's annoyed with you then that's very not on, you've lost out here not him despite his disappointment. If it's the situation then that's fair enough, he's gutted and disappointed but not blaming you at all.

I would concentrate on you at the moment op and see him when he returns. He may not even have got your message. I could only get watsapps through hotel wifi on honeymoon, for some reason half my texts went astray.

Allthebestnamesareused · 08/11/2016 22:21

I suspect he hasn't got the message. May not even have turned his roaming data on.

I also think he is merely disappointed that one of his best friends won't now be there but he'll be over it by the time he gets back.

Make sure you ask to sit through all the holidays pics and make suitable ooh and ah noises.

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